Friday, December 14, 2007

borrowed from Marian....

Could it be holiday tradition??

B.Good is having their eggnog shake special again this year!!!!!!!!! The ENTIRE price of the eggnog shake is being donated to Starlight, the outreach team I support by cooking every Wednesday. If you're in the Boston area today (sadly it's only one day) Please, Please go out and get one -- there are lots of locations around the city. If you can't make it, pass the information around to other people in Boston you know who love eggnog and helping those less fortunate (and really, shouldn't that be everyone?).

I feel like I should put random tag lines here so even the people searching for porn happen upon this site and hear about the eggnog benefit (because really, wouldn't that be a better use of their time and money?).

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Snow storm updates

at 1pm

at 1:30 pm

at 2 pm

at 3pm

at 10 pm

at 10 am


we've got about 12 inches of snow. We also couldn't find out real snow shovel, so i used the type of shovel that you would dig a hole with. It was quite wonderful.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

so yeah....

So in reality, i have a gram negative, very strong pneumonia. I have been out of work for the past week and will be out again for this while week. BUMMER for me. I have been on three different antibiotics, and hopefully this last one will actually work. I have been exhausted, it's frightening how actually exhausted I am.

Bonus for me however. I thought I was well enough to go to work on Monday. I went in at 10. I was hot packing a patient (putting hot, wet towels on their arm to get the veins out). I heard a PR rep having the other patients sign release forms because the RED SOX WERE COMING IN!!!!!!
Yes! I got to meet Snyder and Tavares and Larry (the owner)... and touch the World Series Trophy!!!!! Sadly, i came down with a fever of 101, so i went home.

I'm also taking incompletes in all my classes. It's a big bummer. I feel as though any path that i pretended to have has been completely wiped away. I think I am being taught a lesson. I need to rely more on God's plans then my plans. I haven't listened to His will in a really long time.. and I think that's important. So, that's another thing i am working on right now. Good thing i have some quality me time to do that.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

just another to add to the list...

Streptococcus pneumoniae


Hello, I'm S. pneumoniae.
I'm a Gram Positive coccus.
Sometimes I'm known as the 'pneumococcus'.
I'm found in some people's airways.

I have a capsule coating that means I can be grouped into 80 'serotypes'.

I am the most common cause of pneumonia in healthy people, although I also get into smokers and the elderly.
I'm also cause lots of bacterial meningitis.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Snow, Snow, Snow!

Although I am feeling not so great right now, the snow that fell yesterday put me in a slightly better mood. I feel the need to share, as i do every year, my favorite snow song!


Here comes Suzy Snowflake,
Dressed in a snow-white gown,
Tap, tap, tappin' at your windowpane
To tell you she's in town.

Here comes Suzy Snowflake;
Soon you will hear her say,
"Come out ev'ryone and play with me;
I haven't long to stay. If you want to make a snowman,
I'll help you make one, two, three.
If you wanna take a sleigh ride,
The ride's on me."

Here comes Suzy Snowflake;
Look at her tumblin' down,
Bringing joy to ev'ry girl and boy;
Suzy's come to town.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

darker...

its beginning to get darker. not just on earth... but me too. i need some sun before i sink into a hole.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

i need an outlet...

so i started working for a health care facility that has a lot patients who don't make it. it's hard for family, friends, doctors, nurses, and yes, even us clinical assistants.

recently, a lot of our beloved patients have passed away. i am a people person. i am a get to know you and your family and love you person. i hug. i cry and i hurt. and right now, i am hurting. i am hurting because i do not know how to deal with the pain. i don't know how to handle another soul leaving this earth, never to light up their families lives, never to play with grandchildren, teach anyone any more, all the things we take for granted.

at first, i took to crying and eating chicken nuggets at McDonald's. then i took to pretending that i had a thick skin. i wasn't upset, nope, not me. then, i took my pain to j.p. licks. i cried while ordering my oreo cake batter. the poor ice cream dude took pity on me, and the ice cream was on the house. today however, i don't want ice cream, i don't want McDonald's, i don't want to pretend it doesn't exist - i want closure and to move on.

i don't know how though. and it sucks... looks like j.p. licks or McDonald's will comfort me tonight.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

yes, i am alive...

it is true that i have sadly neglected you blog... but it is not because i don't love you blog... it's because my life has become a whirlwind and have had no time to really sit and write.

i hate today off due to the emergence of an awful migraine and decided to atleast update.

I have started a new job at a local health care facility. I am a clinical assistant and love every minute of it. I work with amazing people... the nurses and patients alike are some of the most amazing and smart people i have ever met. It's great.

I am also taking three classes which i thought i could handle, but it turns out that i can't. Microbiology, Anatomy & Physiology and Statistics - oy! I am doing alright, but not the best... i could definitely do better... so we'll see.

so yeah. busy me. i'll get back into the blogging when my life slows down a bit.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

halloween


I also won most appropriate costume... seeing that it was game 3 of the World Series...

Sunday, September 2, 2007

it's not funny...

Supposedly God has a sense of humor.
Right now, I don't think He's very funny.
At all.



Wednesday, August 29, 2007

remember....


It's been 2 years since Hurricane Katrina hit the United States and devastated the gulf coast. It was horrible 2 years ago, a horrible a year ago, and still is today. I ask you not to forget and continue to help down in NOLA.

Join programs like Habitat for Humanity, Common Ground relief, Acorn... Check out CNN's Impact Your World (http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2007/impact/).

Just do something.


Thursday, August 23, 2007

Make new friends....

but keep the old, one is silver and the others' green??

Friday, August 17, 2007

Can you be a christian feminist?

I have recently been reading this wonderful book titled Full Frontal Feminism. Its a delightful read on the modern age feminist, what she's like, what's she's into, and what makes a feminist. There is large discussion over the idea that a majority of people think feminism is dead and that we've done all we can do.

Once I got into the book I realized that with topics such as sex, reproductive rights, equal rights in the work place, violence etc... i realized that yes, I am most certainly a feminist. However, there are issues that are in complete contradiction with being a Faithful Christian.

Most of these issues center on the topics of sex and reproductive rights, yet a little spills in to the equality in the work place (there are some people out there still believing the place for a woman is barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen). I am appalled that there are states out there creating laws that allow pharmacists and hospitals to refuse care based on personal and religious beliefs.

I believe in birth control, emergency contraception and medically necessary abortions. I believe in being confident in yourself and if you are sexually active, not being called a slut because you are not married. I think women should be able to choose what they want to do with themselves, job, life, etc... And I don't think that because I am a woman, my choices should be looked down upon and severely examined. I don't think in an instance of rape, a woman should be asked to go to another hospital if she wants EC, or told that because she was wearing a short skirt she deserved it. I also believe in Jesus Christ. I believe in prayer and I believe in purity. I believe in repentance which is key and i believe in salvation.

S0 how do these two worlds mix? For a long time I have been caught between two worlds unable to decide which I'd rather submit fully to. There are times that I want to put my liberal side first and say this is what I believe, but then I pray, witness a miracle, or something along the Faithful side of me, and i fall back to wanting my Christian side to take the helm. But I know that I can't really do both to be a good Christian.

or can i?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

HA!

I was getting off the train today at North Station when I was abruptly pushed by a large girl (at least, she was larger than me, probably by 70lbs). She said to me, "Get your skinny ass out of my way bitch!" The large girl most likely meant it to be rude, mean and condescending.


I took it as a compliment, ha!

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Giardians Unite!


a woman in my office, talking quite loudly, stated that she had giardia while in Peru. She is now going on for about 20 minutes discussing what things to take or not take. All of which could've been helpful while in NOLA.

i guess we giardians are everywhere.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Self Realization & Discovery

Regret is an intelligent (and/or emotional) dislike for personal past acts and behaviors. Regret is often felt when someone feels sadness, shame, or guilt after committing an action or actions that the person later wishes that he or she had not done. Regret is distinct from guilt, which is a deeply emotional form of regret — one which may be difficult to comprehend in an objective or conceptual way. In this regard, the concept of regret is subordinate to guilt in terms of its "emotional power." By comparison, shame typically refers to the social (rather than personal) aspect of guilt or (in minor context) regret as imposed by the society or culture (enforcement of ethics, morality), which has substantial bearing in matters of (personal and social) honor.

Regret can describe not only the dislike for an action that has been committed, but also, importantly, regret of inaction. Many people find themselves wishing that they had done something in a past situation.

- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regret_(emotion)


I heart wikipedia. This was one of the greatest definitions i have been able to find.

I have been recently been digging through my mind and its cozy little nooks, and pulling things out that I have given second guesses to. A majority of things have slipped under the radar as merely "mistakes of my youth". I haven't deemed them bad enough to actually attach an emotion to them.

However, one such action/event/occurrence (and yes, the offense repeats as well) struck me, as it has never before. I can't disclose all the gory details, partly, because I am still working through this, and partly because it can affect others. I am not sure if its my new found sense of self, that I look at myself differently, or if its due to merely a mix of hormones, but I have begun to regret my past.

I am not completely sure what sparked this new notion. I recognize this new found feeling as dealing with some thing on a direct violation of my initial true desires in life. Perhaps that is why I was thinking about it. I believe I was thinking about my life's hopes and dreams, and how a large part of them have crashed before me, starting with this one particular falling.

When I was younger I was convinced of this:

That I would have met my loved one in college. We would've gotten married by the time I was 24 and he would've been my only one. By the time I was 26 I would've landed a phenomenal anchor position or at least a producer, while my husband was either a teacher or a youth minister and we had a fabulous church life. If i chose to go back to grad school, that would've been fine, but not necessarily the top priority in my life, which would've been starting a family. By the time I was 30 I'd have at least 2 children, and one of them out of diapers.

HA! That is completely wrong! I am not any of those things or in any position to have any of those things. And honestly, that makes me slightly sad. It does make me wonder where things fell.

I am starting to recognize my actions as more than just things that I do. They have consequences, results. They affect other people at times as well. Sure if I eat my bag of carrots for lunch or choose to get chocolate from the vending machine that might not necessarily have an affect on someone, however, what I do behind closed doors does (yes, I'm getting a little risque here). Perhaps my new self is recognizing my spirit a little more and I am worried about how my actions will affect my future (here on earth and above - hopefully above, i would not want to be below).

I am learning that although regret is a valid emotion, it is empty. There is not much you can actually do about the regret you face. It's over and done, and really you can't go back. But what I can do, is go forward. I can change things as I continue my journey in life. I can stick to my guns and not let someone sweet talk me in to mischief. You know who you are, no more mischief!!

Friday, July 27, 2007

Mean Girl...

blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

Apparently, i am on the track of blogging about what we discussed in bible study the night before. I think this is a good thing, because it's helping me see parts of myself that i am not sure i have really looked at before.

At the beginning of group, we talked about the differences of Mercy and Grace. I have still not yet grasped the concept, but i thought these interpretations were good:

Mercy is when you aren't given what you do deserve and
grace is what you are given when you don't deserve it.


I feel like the definitions of these words are hard. I said last night for me, when I hear mercy, all i can think of is being kids, and having someone twist your arm until you call for "mercy" or uncle. But in these definitions, I can begin to see some separation.


After a few examples of mercy and grace, our pastor talked about the necessity of the combination of mercy and forgiveness. He brought up that when someone has wronged you, you then hold a type of power over them. Most of us choose to turn that power into a search for justice for rights to be wronged. But until we offer mercy, we can not truly forgive the other. It is easy for us to point out the flaws in others. We can sit back and say, I'm better because i didn't do such and such. However, it isn't until we realize that that type of self-righteousness is just as damaging as the original transgression that we can offer true mercy.

As we discussed this, i realized that for myself, this was very true in the case of Patterson. Four years, he said I'm sorry to me. Over and over, apologizing for his wrongs against me. All i ever said back to him, was you don't get it, you hurt me, you did me wrong, you hurt me... All i wanted was justice, for him to see and feel the pain he caused me all these years. I wanted to see that he "got" how hurt i was, that he could feel his heart ripped out and torn in to pieces. I wanted justice, i wanted the situation to be "righted".

blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

My fight for justice began to crack in November when I visited him for the first time in four years. I was able to ask him questions, and see on his face how much it pained him to tell me the truth. I was able to see how truly sorry he was for the pain he caused. I could see it on his heart. But i still wasn't over anything, i still held it, in this quiet power, that no one but me knew about.

I don't really know what is was in June. I can't pin point it quite exactly, other then i remember many conversations surrounding forgiveness. The most influential followed along the lines of saying the one who does not forgive is just as sinful as the one who originally sinned. For a bit I laughed that off, but then i realized that it is true. My heart was turning colder and colder, and spiritually, i wasn't going to grow, until I let it go. I also realized, that not forgiving someone, especially after they had apologized is causing damage on that person. They need to hear that they have been forgiven, or else they will wander about with this weight of sin, and that is not fair either.


My Aha moment came, and I wrote Patterson a note. In that note, I apologized for being the mean girl I am, and told him that finally, after years, I have truly forgiven him. Me having this "power" was not doing anyone good, and was certainly not making our relationship any healthier. I knew it could only grow if we pruned the bad parts off and that meant me starting with a completely clean slate.

blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

Our pastor said that I showed great mercy. I am not quite sure how i feel about that. I guess i could make up this picture in my head of Patterson stomping on my toe, and then saying sorry, but i can muster up is to twist his arm until he screams mercy. I think in our instance, God screamed Mercy. He said it needed to be given, and I finally came to understand what it meant.

All I hope and pray for now is God's Grace to be cast upon Patterson and I. Perhaps we can be granted Godly things that we may not deserve and be spared the things we do. I pray that I am shown mercy, that I am spared being ridiculed for having been so mean and selfish. But that all comes in God's time I guess...

blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Badges of Honor.

Badges of honor

Part historic preservation, part act of defiance, the spray-painted markings of Katrina rescue workers remain prominently displayed on many reoccupied New Orleans homes.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Chris Rose

X marks the spot. And the spot is everywhere.

Two years later, the hieroglyphs of catastrophe still deface the city's surviving housing stock like some demented 90-square-mile contest of post-diluvian tic-tac-toe. X, zero, X, zero, ad infinitum.

Hurricane Katrina seemed to unloose the closeted spray paint taggers among the ranks of our military and animal rescue communities. Some used restraint in their duties, making small, tight Xs with only necessary coded information therein -- date, division, dead, moving counter-clockwise from the top.

Others, particularly some animal folks, wandered off course and a handwriting analyst might find delusions of grandeur in some of the oversized lettering and urgency of their painted scrawlings.

Imagine coming back to New Orleans from exile -- to a home that suffered neither wind nor water damage -- only to be faced with a $6,000 exterior paint job because some well-meaning but overzealous grad student on leave from Swarthmore branded CAT UNDER HOUSE in red 2,000-point type across the front of your house.

In retrospect, there was something almost biblical about those markings on all the front doors around here, posting notice of who was spared and who was not.

And that is why, perhaps, many in the region who have moved back into their homes and gotten on with their lives have purposely preserved the markings left behind by those who patrolled our streets while we cowered elsewhere in front of televisions wondering what fate would be ours.

The sun has bleached out many of the markings with a Southern exposure all this time later. But many remain brightly resplendent in the full array of Crayola color selections employed by the National Guard.

All of this came to mind recently as I began to notice the contrast in glyph preservation among area neighborhoods.

Bywater seems to be the largest preserve of the crisis markings, more than, say, Lakeview or Broadmoor or anywhere else where most occupied homes have received full makeovers.

Perhaps it's due to the somewhat bohemian tilt of the Bywater neighborhood, with its cultivated affection for the offbeat, the unusual and the just plain weird.

I randomly knocked on David Peltier's door on Montegut Street to inquire of the status of his remaining glyph, inscribed "9/6" (that it was 2005 goes without saying) and "Tx," the signature of the Texas Guard.

"You don't like our mark of distinction?" he asked sarcastically. Then, on a more serious note, he said: "It's part of our history now. It would be hard to just wipe it away. It's unique to this city."

As an afterthought he also noted: "And besides, it's orange," a comment which left me puzzled until he held open his front door to reveal an interior design dominated by . . . everything orange.

Peltier's neighbor down the block, Robert LaGrange, said complacency and budget play a role in the neighborhood glyph preservation.

"I noticed that a lot of homes around here were painted just before the storm," he said. "I guess like a lot of folks around here, I'll just let mine fade away on its own."

Farther down the block, at the corner of Montegut and Chartres, the glass sculptor Mitchell Gaudet's home is adorned with an iron replica of the existing glyph, superimposed over the original painted marking, a bold statement of intent to never let the memory fade away.

Memory is why Ellen Murdock kept her yellow-orange signature of the California Guard on her house on Vincennes Place in Fontainebleau.

"When people come to my house, especially friends from out of town, they say: 'Oh, you've got to get rid of that,' " she said. "I tell them: Katrina changed my life. I'm in no hurry to get rid of it. It's a reminder of what happened, and when I look at it every time I walk in my door, I definitely think about what it all means.

"Then my friends see the same marks on all the other houses and it really brings home the message of what happened here. I'm just glad there are zeros on it and not a 1," she added, a reference to the ominous number reserved for the bottom space of the X marking, the space that denotes how many bodies were found inside the house.

It stands in good reason that few such markings will be preserved for posterity's sake.

Edward Rogers, over on Delachaise Street in Broadmoor, will have none of this talk of nostalgia. He whitewashed his two glyphs, content to leave white blobs on his house rather than all those cryptic messages.

"It was sickening looking at it," he said. "Disgusting. Those Xs and Ys and whatever; they did a whole lot of unnecessary writing. I don't want that on my house. I don't want to remember that. I don't need a souvenir."

He paused to consider the preservation rationales offered by those living in Bywater. And then he spit contemptuously.

"History!?" he said. "The man that told you that -- they need to send him to a psychiatrist."

. . . . . . .

Columnist Chris Rose can be reached at chris.rose@timespicayune.com; or at (504) 352-2535 or (504) 826-3309.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Potterpalloza!

Marian and I had our books reserved, well ahead of time. We had discussed going to Upstairs on the Square for their special “Harry Potter” feast, but unfortunately, when I went to make reservations, we realized, that we had missed the opportunity as they were booked from 5pm – 1am!
Friday, we began our endeavor. We met up surprisingly at Downtown Crossing around 4:45pm. We walked out the doors and on to the side walk of Hogwart's Square (aka Harvard Square) at 5:05pm and the line for our reserved wrist band had already formed from the Coop’s Alley entry, towards Border Café, around to the Body Shop and down in front of the Main Entrance of the Coop. We, of course, were quite towards the end. The rules clearly stated no line could form before 4:30, but I highly doubt that is what happened. While in line, we tried to befriend those in front and behind us. It was going to be a long wait, why not be friendly. However, the guys in front of us smelled something awful and the kids behind us had no interest in talking to us.

The line moved in spurts due to the tyrannical nature of the Movie Theatre which “needed” 15 feet of space clear so that patrons could get in to the theatre. Sorry folks – no one is going to see your movies today!

At this same time, we kept calling Crimson to see if we should pick up her wrist band. She never responded. We called a lot of times. And then we started to text message.

FINALLY, we made it to the wrist bands. We had to pass men with too much power that kept yelling stay to the left (which I whole-heartedly ignored) and the very l-a-r-g-e man who told us which line to go in (which I whole-heartedly listened too, he could’ve killed me with his fist). Marian got her wrist band and Crimsons, I got mine, and we were off to find food. It was now about 7:40pm. Crimson finally got back to us, letting us know she was in NH and would hopefully make it by 12

We ate at Flat Patty’s which I must say, I don’t hate, but I don’t love. They had a nifty cheesecake burrito thingy that was scrumptious. We then had our complimentary hand treatment at LUSH and then decided to get some dessert before we needed to get on line again at 10 to actually get our books at 12:01. Finale was having special Harry Potter products such as “Dark Lord Decadence” and “Magical Molten something”. Unfortunately the waitress wasn’t so in to this theme and called them by their regular names. They were wonderful and rich and fantastic, and yummy…. At 9:40pm we figured we should head over to prepare to get on line.

By the time we went from Finale to the Coop, the line was already from the Coop’s main entrance down to the Body Shop. I kept saying, “at least we haven’t turned around too many corners. It’s almost a straight shot!” We did make friends with those behind us, Joanna and Emily. Very nice girls and we had fun doing the HP puzzles and what not. Crimson had arrived around 11:30ish – maybe a little later – with her beau. He’s not a huge HP fan so he wanted out as soon as possible. He wandered around by Curious George and other book stores and then called Crimson and said “I think the news stand is selling them”. We all laughed it off.

12:01 struck and there were 4 count-downs because no one has the correct time! The line moved a little bit as fans rushed in to buy their books. At 12:10 (maybe) the Beau appeared with 2 tote bags containing 2 books each! He had gotten them from the new stand!!!!!!

Marian and I, although excited, were also quite frustrated. We had stood on line for 5 hours!! And they had been at the news stand! What?! But we had our books, so we were happy as well. It was quite a confusing time. We left our new friends and Beau drove us home where we both promptly began reading.

I feel asleep about 30 or so pages in. At 8:00 am I felt awake enough to continue the 759 page book. I finished at 1pm. Marian finished at about 8pm. Both of us having been drained from reading so much headed to IHOP for some grub and then hit the sack as soon we got home.

I know you are asking was it worth it? I have to say, I might never do it again, but the experience was 100% worth it. There is nothing else like it. Seeing people so dedicated to something they love so much. Yes. It was worth it.

And the book was great!

Friday, July 20, 2007

hungry, so hungry.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.

We have been re-studying the Sermon on the Mount in bible study. Every week, we get in to heated, intellectual discussions revolving around how we interpret different verses. Usually, they are hard to interpret. We have all these discussions about what does poor in spirit mean? or does meek mean weak or quite, docile? Do you have to be all these things? or are they some type of check list in life... something we hope to achieve before we enter through the gates.

For me, some of these verses, seem almost too simple to question or interpret. I have a hard time speaking up in group because I don't always feel comfortable, or confident in my response. However, when it comes to this specific verse, I am 100% confident in how I feel.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.

In my head and heart, I define righteousness as a synonym for justice. Other definitions include bring in accordance with virtue or morality, adhering to moral principles, the quality or state of being just or rightful, morally upright; without guilt or sin, etc....

This verse to me is almost the backbone of who I am. I believe that those of us, who seek for righteousness, who seek justice in a world that seems upside, in heaven, will be satisfied, will be fulfilled because the wrongs will be righted. Everyone will be on one playing field.

What is strange to me, is that this idea of being hungry, starving even for righteousness or justice is foreign to most people. Daily, I hunger for food, but never do I hunger for food as much I hunger for "the right thing" to be done today. I seek the good every day and am defeated by the bad, by the unjust, the immoral.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.


We were asked at the end of study, what areas in our character do we long to be more righteous and what areas of society to we long to see righteousness - and how do we achieve those? For me, I wanted to answer that in my character, I lack the faith side of righteousness. I seek social justice always. I want to fix the worlds injustices, I want to right the wrongs.

And I have always wanted to do that. It's just who I am. And to my knowledge, its how most people I know are. Or so I thought. I was shocked to hear one member of the group say that his initial reaction to most things, is to think of himself, how it affects him (will it benefit him? what would he get out of it). I was blown away that a group dedicated to working on the Common, forming relationships with those who are most poor in the city, we had members who thought this way. I could not, and still can not wrap my head around it.

I think that's when I realized how different I was. I realized that I see things completely different from most people out there. My initial response to almost anything is how can I fix it? What can I give to make it better for this person, cause, problem, etc...? How there are people who don't feel that on a constant basis is so foreign to me, so "out there". Why is compassion not their first response? Why do they not feel always compelled to do things for other, and place themselves second? What makes me do that?

Despite my lacking in faithful righteousness, I feel as though my works filled with selflessness, love and compassion perhaps make up for that. At times I feel less of a Christian because when I do things for others, I am not doing it because I am a Christian. Instead, I am one who does, and happens to be faithful. My faith does not bring me to do this - or does it?

Our pastor commented on being faithfully righteous. Because we are Christians, because we believe, we are already "right" with God. I am assured, through Christ, that in Heaven, I will be satisfied from the emptiness, defeat and hunger I feel now. And until then, I will continue to hunger and thirst for the earthly righteousness deserved by all, because in my heart of hearts, that is what we are called to do.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

I've been down and out...

I've been having a lot of trouble lately staying afloat. Job searches, Chem tests, boys and life have been dragging me down like a cement block. As much as i try to put a positive spin on most things, i still have this creeping darkness that over comes whatever silver lining i seem to find. In the end it will be ok, and I know that to some degree. Everyone keeps saying, just think when you find that job, it will be one of the most perfect jobs for you (the same thing applies for those silly boys).

I guess what i need is patience. I can't seem to be satisfied with the things infront of me. I should be happy that i have a wonderful temp job at Oxfam - its an organization i highly respect and love (and the people here are wonderful).

I should be content with my singleness. It means not figuring out who will pay for dinner and what thing we're going to on Saturday and whose house we'll stay at. It's the ultimate freedom. And yet, i am still seeking. I made the decision to stay single after a date, and really, i am good with that decision. It's just hard to see people out and about with their loved ones. Just because i choose to be single right now doesn't mean i don't desire relationships. If that makes any sense.

My classes are going well, but is that going to be enough to actually get me in to grad school? Will i succeed and do the thing i really want, become a nurse, or are the struggles to get there going to wear me down to the point where i can not go on?



Its sounds so lame when i write it here, but i don't care, because this is me, and where I'm at. So what if I'm a little lame (or a lot lame). You'll all still be my friends? Right?

Monday, July 2, 2007

Jesus loves bikers too....

Saturday, i went to Ali's family's house to help out with a party. Ali's dad last year had gotten in to a motorcycle accident, and was in bad shape. Thanks to the medical team and friends and family, he pulled though, and is back on the bike. The party was to thank everyone for all the support given over the past year. A lot of people from their church and his christian biker group came over to partake in the festivities.

Ali and I also had wedding cupcakes to drop off. So we piled in the car, with 100 cupcakes, and a large flaming sheet cake in tow. Our neighbor commented on how we always go to parties, and that we must be cool. Ali and I laughed at that, if he only knew we thought.

We headed out on 93 to Hanson. On our way, we saw a Jeep get in to an accident. His tire blew, and he was only about 100 feet behind us. Thankfully we were far enough away and he controlled his vehicle as best as possible, no other cars were involved.

We arrived in Hanson about 10:30. Ali's mom said she had been waiting since 8am for us to get there. We expected there to be a TON of work to do, but in reality, a few veggies needed to be cut, and a few of the snacks needed to be put out on the tables, along with tablecloths and cutlery. Once we were done with that, Ali and I played on the trampolined for a good 30 minutes. It's really fun and not something i ever had growing up. I feared falling off like so many of those "funny home videos" i've seen.

Water balloons were our next task. We filled up about 70. It was hard work surprisingly. Guests began to arrive shortly there after. Ali and i were eventually assigned to food duty, her on the bbq, and me making sure everything was stocked. The food was fantastic and plentiful. Ali can make me a hot dog any old day. We eventually brought out the first batch of water balloons which went fairly quickly and Ali and i were back to making more. The second fight was quite excellent, barely anyone left dry!

We cleaned up, did a little more trampoline and wiffle ball and then i was taken out on the bike with Ali's dad. I LOVED IT. I was nervous at first, but once we got on the road, i thought it was so much fun. The faster he went the more i smiled! It was fantastic.

The ride sadly ended, Ali and i dropped off the cupcakes at Stinch's and we headed home where we slept forever. It was a great Saturday.

PS - please pray for Stinch's little sister who is at Children's hospital for an inflamed liver and gallbladder including gallstones. She is young and scared. Guide the medical staff to do their job thoroughly and swiftly.

cup-cake-mania amoung other things...

Sometimes at "work", I have time to do unnecessary on-line research about random things, like cupcakes. I have found them to be my new hobby and want to make many, many cupcakes, all different styles and decors.

My dear Marian was having a rough week, so i decided to try to calm her down with a relaxing Friday at home. This included her all time favorite chicken parmigiana calzone and special snack of scallops as well as freshly made cupcakes by moi. And then a movie, Best of Show.

The calzone and scallops were easy, all i had to do was call a number and they would come! I got to work on the cupcakes right away. I was making s'more cupcakes. This included a graham cracker bottom, a hershey kiss in the middle of the vanilla/graham cracker cake topped with marshmallow frosting with sprinkled graham crackers. There were a few issues. The graham cracker bottom didn't stick very well, sadly. It makes a mess every time you eat it. I feel as though there is not enough chocolate (i am thinking of substituting the vanilla cake for chocolate next time). And lastly, the marshmallow frosting is a bit too much sugar. I think i could've gotten away with less sugar added. Otherwise, they are delightful!

Marian, John and I ate our food and watched Best of Show to which John kept falling asleep and finally left and went to bed. Marian and i tried to watch a second movie, but both fell asleep. When i woke up, i had believed it was unbelievably late, when in actuality, it was only 10:30. I went to bed anyway. 'Cause I'm cool like that.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

it's not you, it's me - for real.

It's me. It's seriously all me.

Most of you know that this hippie has been whining all to much about being lonely, and single, and sad, and blah blah blah. So I put an ad on Craigslist. For those of you who don't know much about Craigslist, it is a meca of all things needed - apartments, furniture, jobs, pets, erotic excitement, auditions for a cappella groups, and of course, relationships.

Part of me thought hesitantly about position for fear that despite my desire to move on, maybe my heart really wasn't ready. I figured though the best thing was to move on to someone else, and forget about the past. Forget about what I used to have, and go out there and get something new.

I put an ad up and got some delightful responses (some i must admit were r-a-u-n-c-h-y). So i responded to the polite ads. A guy "named" Opie responded. Opie was so very friendly via e-mail, quick witted on im, and beyond belief pleasant during text messages. I thought, great! This will be good. We set up a time and place to meet, and I got cold feet. I didn't want to go through with it. Wasn't sure why, i just felt uncomfortable. I attributed it to nerves and continued with the plan. As yesterday evening approached, i felt more awful and uncomfortable about the whole situation, but i attempted to put on a great face.

I planted myself at Starbucks, and arrived early enough to begin working on my lab. Opie arrived and was SO nice. We had an hour of awkward, first time conversation spanning from how terrible chemistry class is to Ann Margaret rolling around in baked beans in the movie version of Tommy. There were pleasentries exchanged, and all in all it went ok, minus the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew something was wrong, something was off, and it wans't him at all. It was me.

Opie left with optimism in his eyes. As soon as he walked out the door, i knew that i had done wrong. I had pushed it too far. Feelings were invovled and i needed to stop now. On my way home I cried, and sobbed. I was filled with frustration, sadness, and anger. And not at anyone but myself. I realized I can't be with someone else, i can't give my heart to someone, i can't even pretend to give my heart when i know deep down I am not ready for that.

I received the sweetest email from Opie this morning.

I had a great time tonight meeting with you. You didn't come off as nervous at all, in fact I thought you were really cute. I was wondering if you wanted to goto the movie at the Boston Harbor Hotel this Friday?
I responded explaining first that i had to help Ali with cupcakes on Friday night. Then i went into my saga of life hoping he might thing i was being honest and not just an asshole.

So I stand alone (like the cheese in the song). And for the first time, ever. I'm ok with that decision. I am honest with myself. I am not able to move on, and i know that. If I am honest with myself, things can change. I am admitting an issue, I will be taking steps to change. And it looks like, for now, it's just me, and that's just fine.



update: i got another email from Opie. Could the guy be any nicer? (the email is edited of course)
First off, you are not an ass, not by a long shot...It’s still a little tough to think about it but I feel I’m ready to move on and meet some new people. I know you are not ready right now to go out with other people now, but if and when you are ready let me know. So what do we do now? I do like talking with you and like I said it was good meeting you last night, but I don’t want to make this any harder on you.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

To-do list of sorts...

I've got some free time, now that I'm temping here at MIT. Today, I was on boston.com looking at their summer suggestions for under $25. That for me is perfect. I was thinking of a few things i wanted to do, and thought i would share them with you. This is also an open invitation to do these with me. We can set up a time and go forth!!

1. Made by Me Pottery in Harvard Square. Rumor has it you choose the piece you want to work on ($3.00 - $40.00) and than paint ($4.00 per half hour). They with throw it and when it's done it is dishwasher and microwave safe!

2. Boston Nature Conservatory. I've heard good things about this place, escpecially for picture taking. A $2.00 donation is asked.

3. South Street Diner. I've been before with Marian and John, but would like to go back. You know, for an actual midnight meal. It could be fun, especially since they have carafes of sangria.

4. Kayaking on the Charles. Seems quite exciting. They also have canoeing. A single kayak for one hour is $14, and for the whole day is $56. I think next year a season pass might be worth the $265.

5. Coolidge Theatre. I love this theatre. I feel as though i should invest more in local business. No more AMC, but more Coolidge and Somerville Theatres.

6. Shopping in the South End. Perhaps i don't need to shop, but I would like to spend more time in the South End. It's such a pretty area, and i hear there are good markets.

7. Boston Harbor Islands. Let's go camping! Or for a picnic, frisbee, hiking, etc... The boat ride (round trip) is only $10.

8. B-side lounge. They have fondue. Let's go. Now.

9. ICA has free Thursday night entry. Who says i can't skip bible study for a little culture right?

10. Free Friday Night Flicks at the Hatch Shell. Here's what is playing:

June 22 : Night at the Museum
July 6: Shrek (2) i believe.
July 13 : Over the Hedge (one of my personal favorite movies thanks to Patterson)
July 20: Harry Potter - no clue which one. Hopefully NOT the one with the spiders
July 27: Ice Age 2 (another one of Patterson & my favorites!)
August 3 : Back to the Future!
August 10: “The King of Rock and Roll” falls in love in the entertainment
capitol of the world (no clue what movie that is)

August 17: The Wizard of Oz
August 24: Happy Feet (REALLY want to see this!)
August 31: Charlotte's Web

11. Movies by Moonlight at the Boston Harbor Hotel. Here's what's playing:
June 22:Roman Holiday
June 29: Goodbye Mr. Chips
July 6:Vertigo
July 13: To Kill A Mockingbird
July20: The Philadelphia Story
July 27: Inherit The Wind
August 3rd: A Man For All Seasons
August 10: Invasion Of The Body Snatchers
August 17: The Best Years Of Our Lives
August 24: Citizen Kane
August 31:The Thin Man

12. Free Concert's in Copley Square. Really, i'm interested in just one. Matt Nathanson, whom i love is coming on August 16th. The only issue is that it's a Thursday. Boo!

13. Sam Adams Tour. Tours and tastings occur on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays from noon to 3 p.m., Fridays from noon to 5:30 p.m., and Saturdays between 11 a.m. and 3 p.m., starting every half hour. Similarly, Harpoon Brewery hosts tastings Tuesday through Thursday at 4 p.m., Friday from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., and on Saturdays at noon, 2 p.m., and 4 p.m.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Umm... what?


So, I started a temp job at MIT. It's with the Nobel Prize winning man, Dr. Phillip Sharp.


Dr. Phillip A. Sharp, currently Institute Professor, joined the Center for Cancer Research at MIT in 1974 and served as its Director for six years, from 1985 to 1991, before taking over as Head of the Department of Biology, a position he held for the next eight years. More recently, he was Founding Director of the McGovern Institute, a position he held from 2000 to 2004. Dr. Sharp’s research interests have centered on the molecular biology of gene expression relevant to cancer and the mechanisms of RNA splicing. His landmark work (1977) provided one of the first indications of the startling phenomenon of “discontinuous genes” in mammalian cells. This discovery, which fundamentally changed scientists' understanding of the structure of genes, earned Dr. Sharp the 1993 Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine. His lab has now turned its attention to understanding how RNA molecules act as switches to turn genes on and off (RNA interference). These newly discovered processes have revolutionized cell biology and could potentially generate a new class of therapeutics. Dr. Sharp has authored over 350 scientific papers. His work has earned him numerous cancer research awards and presidential and national scientific board appointments. He is elected member of the National Academy of Sciences, the Institute of Medicine, the American Philosophical Society, and the American Academy of Arts and Sciences. He is also the recipient of the National Medal of Science and the Inaugural Double Helix Medal for Scientific Research from Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory. Dr. Sharp earned a B.A. degree from Union College, KY, and a PhD in chemistry from the University of Illinois. In 1978 he co-founded Biogen (now Biogen Idec), in 2002, he co-founded Alnylam Pharmaceuticals, an early-stage therapeutics company, and in 2006, he co-founded Magen Biosciences Inc., a biotechnology company developing agents to promote the health of human skin. He serves on the boards of all three companies.


All around me, in the hall are different labs. I see students running around with dry ice, and different chemicals... occasionally wearing full gear (robe, gloves, and mask). It's all quite entertaining and interesting to me.

The best however, occurred moments ago. Everyone is off at their lab luncheon. A man in a white lab coat, wearing goggles, and gloves came in to my office and said "i am supposed to pick up the radioactive material, could you tell me where it is in here?"

I looked quite stunned apparently because he then said, "this is an office, not a lab, huh?" He called down to his supervisor and indeed there was a typo on his pick-up sheet. It was supposed to be e-17-528, not e-17-529.

duh.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Howzyamomma'an'dem?

You Might be from New Orleans If ...


- You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"


- Every so often, you have waterfront property.


- When giving directions you use words like "uptown," "downtown," "backatown," "riverside," "lakeside," "other side of the bayou" or "other side of the levee."


- When you refer to a geographical location "way up North," you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold."


- You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it. (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya)


- You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.


- You know the definition of "dressed."


- The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab, and King Cake.


- You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.


- You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.


- Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.


- You describe a color as "K&B Purple."


- You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.

Friday, June 15, 2007

S&M and Cuddling?

So, after only 4 weeks of training, I took my final, and aced it. Yes, folks, I am now a Certified Nursing Assistant. Next week i have to take the state licensing test which rumor has it can be difficult - but i am confident in myself and friends that we will practice and pass. Speaking of which, any one free on Wednesday and wants to be my actor? Maybe i'll get you lunch (doubtfully though since i have no money!).

We went out after bible study, as usually, but with a little celebration. Crimson was telling us a story about a student she tutors. The girl is taking human sexuality and the article that was being discussed was about S & M and explanations of why different types of people enjoy it. Things along the line of gay men feel extreme masculinity or something along those lines. Apparently, there was also a pie chart with different S&M activities. Some of those listed included fisting, rimming, and water sports. The poor girl was utterly mortified and confused. Dear Crimson had to explain what each activity was and how they were applicable to the topic of conversation. As we're all discussing this in UNO's (myself, Crimson, Marian and Sean), Sean's face seems a bit in shock and he blurts out "Does no one cuddle anymore!?". We thought it was the most hilarious statements and i felt that i wanted to share.

Just so you know, Sean, the cuddling comes after the water sports. {wink}

Monday, June 11, 2007

I LOVE BEING A CNA!!!!!!!

This morning i was nervous. More nervous then i have been for an audition, for a job interview, for anything. Today was my first day of clinical. The life of some cute elderly lady was going to be in my hands. I thought for a bit, perhaps this was a mistake, maybe i can't do it...



I met Amy at Dunkin' and we headed to Central Square to meet up with Mere, who would be driving us. Before we left Mere's house, her adorable son says "mommy, you forgot something". We all wait and see what it is and he runs in to the kitchen and grabs her stethoscope and wishes us a good day! Perhaps he had wished us the luck we needed.

We arrived at the Nursing Home and had our tour. I have to stay i am quite disappointed in the nursing home status. There were supplies missing, the floors were very dirty and don't even get me started on the shower room, ew. We made do.

Mere and i were given assignments first. We were going to work in the same room with different residents. We were so thankful to at least have each other just a curtain away! We started collecting whatever supplies we could. My resident is a talker, and i think that is why Maris gave her to me. She is very sweet. She is pretty independent. Years ago she had a cerebral vascular accident, cva (aka, a stroke) so she is paralyzed on her right side. Maris knows the one thing i can't remember is how to dress a person with a weak side. I believe i have to put on the weak side first, take off the strong side first. I gave her a bed bath, got her dressed and to the bathroom and ready to go down to see her friends. I was so proud of myself. I for sure thought I wouldn't be able to do it. But i did, and i think i did it well.

The rest of the day consisted of helping other folks getting their resident's up and ready since mine is fairly independent and making lots of beds. I had one tiny mishap where i miss judged how far i pulled down my residents briefs and we then had to change her again, but that was my fault.

I am so happy because i know this what i am supposed to do. It fits, completely. All other things in my life may be swirling around in chaos, but this, this is right.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

what is this i'm feeling?

I am sometimes surprised by my emotions. Maybe tonight i'm tired. Maybe i'm pmsing and so i am extra emotional, but whatever it is... i am emotional and confused and sad.

As some of you may know, Patterson is out in Colorado with a program called Training Ground. He has been searching for years to figure out who he was, which for me is hard to believe because i have always loved who he is/was, even when he was ripping my heart out and i felt as though i was being broken in to a million pieces. I came out of it, still loving that dumb kid. I am not sure that i will ever stop, and that's just how it is.

So, he's in Colorado, and most of men in this program are writing blogs. He started to write one, and i commented, adding a quick little joke. Everyone else has written since then, except him. Part of me is worried that i might have interfered where i shouldn't have. And now he won't post.

The other part of me is worried. I miss talking to him and hearing how things are going and it sucks to not be able to call him up and say "how is your day today? did you climb to the top of some mountain?". Instead, i hear random things from the other guys blogs.

I think what annoys me most is how my heart is reacting. I thought I had moved on. I thought i had made amends and gotten on, but I seem to still be stuck in the same place. Still yearning to be close to him, to be his friend and to be involved. I am praying for him, and i am sure he knows that, but i seek more and its hard because, its not going to happen.

How is it that someone who entered and exited your life 5 years ago can still effect you today? Why is love such a difficult emotion, and yet something we seek to find everywhere?

ok. just needed to get that out.


sidenote: i bought scrubs today and start clinical on Monday. I am very excited. I will be positing pictures of me in my scrubs soon!

Monday, May 28, 2007

times'a'changin...

I've recently starting a program that will certify me to be a nursing assistant and/or a home health aide. Its been a week in the class so far, and i love every minute of it, and it makes me realize that i have finally found what makes me happy. As much as i enjoyed journalism, i never sat in a class (except photojournalism) and was completely focused and enamoured by the material. I come home so excited about what i have learned. Sure i forgot how to make my bed, and i was a little bummed about that, but in the long run, i know how to correctly wash my hands and i know how to stop bleeding and clean a bed with someone in it, and it's only been a week.
My mood has changed a lot. I am motivated to get in to a job. I am applying to positions in hospitals all over the city of Boston. I have also gotten on top of grad school applications and will soon be making visits to all those schools. I need to get in gear as far as the GREs go however. But, thats ok. I am doing pre-reqs at Bunker Hill and I hope they are good enough for schools. As far as I can tell, everyone that i have spoken to has said its fine.
Despite these wonderful things, and the momentum towards greatness, for me, i still feel as though i am lacking a few very important pieces in life. I sometimes desperately seek family and although i have pseudo family in NY, they are in NY not here. I miss them often. I also miss people that i have known for years. Boston friends are great! Please don't get me wrong, but there is something about a person you've known since you were 12. But we've all grown, and we are all in different places and have different lives. There is a human need for close companionship and i just don't know how to get it. Sometimes i feel as though i had it, its just everywhere else.
Also an observation I have discovered in the past few days, once you say you're interested in grad school, the next question asked is are you married or seeing someone? I am sick of this question. Because i am none of the above. The one i thought i would marry is out playing lumber jack (ok, actually sub-contractor) in Colorado. Patterson is doing a program that I pray to God will help him find what he has been seeking for the past 4 years. If you are so interested, as i am so interested, you can check out his blog, and the blog of his fellow brothers. I encourage prays for him and all those participating in the program. Its a hard 3 months and each man is seeking something unearthly.
All in all, i am doing well. Things are well. I will pull through the darkness and come out alright on the other side.

Friday, May 18, 2007

the day i played girl...

Last Saturday, our friend, Stinch, had a fundraiser for the AVON's 3-day Breast Cancer Walk. Called the "Think Pink Fiesta", everything was decked out in pinkness. For me, i had gotten a dress, my eye brows waxed (and kept up!) and some cute, peep-toe brown shoes.
May 12th also happens to be the day i was adopted 20-something-years ago. Marian, being the wonderful roommate she is, treated me to a pedicure. Mind you, this is not something i do. Yes, i wash (ok, i actually scrub) the hippie dirt off my feet. And yes, i paint my toes every so often. Not all the time, but often enough that they look decent (at least in my opinion).
So, we started the morning off with going to the Square Nail Studio. It was a really nice place. They use copper pots for the tin where you soak your feet and lime oil for the massage. I have to say, i did enjoy myself.
We next had breakfast at Johnny D's. This place is one of my favorite breakfast places in the city. The Wentworth boy and i went a few weeks ago and he sang the praises of their omelets - which is what i had that morning. A lovely spinach and cheese omelet. And it was good. Marian had a waffle i believe with what i recall to be banana's and strawberries. It looked quite yummy.
Harvard Square was next on our list so that i could get a breast cancer ribbon pin and a gold nose ring. When ever you are looking for something, it seems to be the case that it is never around. Not one breast cancer pin in all of Harvard Square. I did have good luck with the nose ring - so that was good.
Home was last where Marian tried her hardest to get my hair to curl and stay curled. Sadly - it didn't.
Make up on, dress on, shoes on, hair done - and here is the end result. The first 2, i played with the background in photoshop, the last one i thought the ladies on their side of my looked amazing so i kept them in :) It's hard to be friends with such beautiful people.


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Breast Cancer walk...

I know a lot of people have been doing some pleas for fundraisers lately- i figured i'd jump on the bandwagon - but not for myself. One of my closest friends and her family are walking the Avon Breast Cancer Walk in honor of her pastor's wife who in the past year has been diagnosed. They are all so close to reaching their goals to walk - but its hard to have to reach a minimum to walk - so i am doing a little PR here and asking you to check out her page :

Avon Walk for Breast Cancer - Jenn F.

At this point - any little bit helps! Thank you :)



Thursday, May 10, 2007

grey skies are gonna clear up....

the past few days have been truly wonderful. it is true, i have been severely struggling with life. the loss of the job really threw me, a lot further then i thought. i caught up on watching all of Friends, but i missed out on catching up with my real friends. my bed and pillows became my newest pals and ice cream my comforter. i kept trying to get ahead, getting into programs and then missing it by something or having financial issues.

After weighing in last week and realizing that i gained 7lbs i had a wake up call. Ali and i went for a few walks and i became much much more active. i stopped eating ice cream every day and cookies are now a treat and not part of every meal. so i lost 4.6lbs as of Wednesday.

i received a phone call Wednesday night and was told that the woman who fired me, was fired. as terrible as this may sound, i was ecstatic. Karma, my friends, is a bitch. Don't treat people like shit because it WILL come back. so i am gloating in that a bit.

this morning i went to the red cross and took the assessment test for the Certified Nursing Assistant/Home Health Aide. The class beings May 21st.

YAY. I am happy. I am healthy. I will have a long life. (a woman from the common used to say this to us...)

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Falling in love is like what?

Falling in love is like owning a dog
an epithalamion by Taylor Mali
www.taylormali.com

First of all, it's a big responsibility,
especially in a city like New York.
So think long and hard before deciding on love.
On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:
when you're walking down the street late at night
and you have a leash on love
ain't no one going to mess with you.
Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.
Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm.
It lies between you and lives and breathes
and makes funny noises.
Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.
It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn't like being left alone for long.
But come home and love is always happy to see you.

It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,
but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!
Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes.
Love leaves you little surprises here and there.
Love needs lots of cleaning up after.
Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.
Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper
and swat love on the nose,
not so much to cause pain,
just to let love know Don't you ever do that again!

Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk.
Because love loves exercise.
It runs you around the block and leaves you panting.
It pulls you in several different directions at once,
or winds around and around you

until you're all wound up and can't move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.
People who have nothing in common but love
stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,

again, and again, and again.
But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.
And in return, love loves you and never stops.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

questions from Girl...

A few of us bloggers have been jumping on the band wagon of asking each other questions. Here are mine, posed by Girl:

1) The Wentworth boy...is he a former romantic interest? Any possibility of this going anywhere in the future?

the wentworth boy was a former romantic interest. Long story to say the least. It will not go any where in the future. I have finally come to realize what he's known for a year, we are phenomenal friends and i couldn't deal with myself if i jeopardized that in anyway. I care about him way tooo much. I did say however, if there was a guarantee that nothing would/could go wrong during the relationship or in the end, that yes, I would be interested. However, we all live in the real world and know that a guarantee like that is impossible. So right now, the wentworth boy is and probably will forever be, one of my best friends, not going any where else.

2) What is your happiest memory from third grade?

Third grade, let's see. Mr. Rice was my teacher... we grew butterflies in class and Mr. Rice hung this kid Justin on the basketball hoop. I think my happiest memory was being placed in advanced reading class. Made me feel good about myself. Third grade was a pretty rough year. Also, i think i got married that year to a kid named Andrew in the gym.

3) If you bought a house today, what would the top 5 priorities be for you?

1. Closets in all the bedrooms.
2. decent counter space and shelving in the kitchen.
3. a porch/deck/yard
4. a shower/tub, none of this one or the other crapola
5. lots of windows.

4) If you could pick a field to be a nurse in, which would you prefer?

Community Health, no doubt. Is that a field? I am not so sure... it's a focus area in school. I would focus on the low income side of medicine. Because i am a hippie. Community Health encompasses all fields of nursing to a degree, almost like diagnostic medicine, where you need to learn as much as you can about everything. I think because of my passion for correcting the wrongs of the world, i need to be in a field where i am working with the under privileged, who need to see me.

5) If you could eat a crayon, what color would it by and why?

The new crayola came out with Mac & Cheese, so clearly i would eat that. Perhaps it's color would remind me of the taste of real Mac & Cheese and i could get through the disgusting waxy taste it would actually be. :)

Friday, April 20, 2007

Today we are all...

Hokies.


and today we are Columbine.


Remember.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

back in starbucks and it's still raining.

I'm studying again. We've got a big test on Wednesday on respiration and photosynthesis.... I have no clue how I'm going to do, but I'm trying.

In other news, Marian and I had an interesting conversation about the recent events at VTech. Events like these, at least for me, make one stop and think about their overall safety. In a world where we go out about our business as though we are impenetrable, reality can smack you hard in the face. Imagine sitting in class and being shot or watching classmates go through agony. The thing that affects me most is that its not just school any more. Its buses in Dorchester, buildings in NYC, subway stations... It's true that you can't live you're life in a hypothetical bubble, trying to hide from the danger we call this world, but I think people need to start becoming more aware of their surroundings.

How did a foreign national get 2 guns in the first place? I don't think I would know the first place to go to get a gun. How does a person go through life so miserable that their only alternative is to shoot up people? My biology professor noticed i was depressed and said something, do i just have a more aware professor, someone willing to step out of his role as educator and make sure his student was doing alright. Clearly there is no way to pinpoint one reason for this tragedy, but i do think the trail is interesting and something that each of us can look at in our daily lives.

How do you know that kid that sits next to you in class, the quiet one, isn't some crazy kid, and all that needs to happen to stop anything is for you to say Hi. Share a little respect to the homeless guy on the street, give him eye contact and maybe a smile and go on your separate ways. It won't hurt you, it might in fact start to make you a better person. We're not asking for giant things here, but the cliche, if everyone does a little bit - we can change a lot. Step back and think about it next time you pass judgement, next time you get uncomfortable, next time you feel sorry for someone, start to think about what you can do differently. Maybe by the time we have children, these shootings, these terrible events will be something in the history books. I once thought that way when I learned about Kent State, but then Columbine happened, and my world crashed, but it shaped me.

I know, the hippie in me has escaped and is running rampant. Peace and Love and all that bull shit. Just do it ok. The world could be a better place if you tried.

On a side note, i am on season 10 of friends. I am almost done, and will need something new to move onto, any suggestions? Also, could folks keeps their ears open for a cappella group opportunities, i am really antsy to get back in to one.

Monday, April 16, 2007

just an fyi

I didn't make the group, which really bummed me out. I was so excited about the possibility of singing again. It lifted my spirits, which was great. I felt like me again, which I haven't felt like in a while. I was happy, i was motivated. I had the potential for greatness, and what's crazy is how quickly i lost it. I've made some appointments to meet with folks about maybe talking about what is going on with me and getting through this darkness. After this weekend, i know that I am in there some where, i can find me again. I am going to continue looking for a cappella groups, i will keep studying and trying to complete my dream of nursing.

Friday, April 13, 2007

a quick update...

1. I've been spending a lot of time with the Ramifications. Partly because i have been depressed and they have always been able to lift my spirits. I'm trying to convince them to hire me as their manager and pay me to be as fabulous as i am as a volunteer. We'll see how that goes.

2. I am auditioning for an a cappella group Saturday. I haven't been in tip-top vocal shape in a bit, so i am concerned, but we'll see what happens. Apparently i know one of the guys who is auditioning people so maybe that will work in my favor, but truthfully, it's all up to my voice.

3. I am going to do the CNA program with the Red Cross. To do this, i need to pass an assessment test and get 800 dollars. I talked to PSC about helping me pay for it. Apparently they can't pay for it because it's considered "voluntary poverty" which is completely understandable. There is a possible alternative of them paying for rent and bills for a month and then when i get a job and a real pay check they'll stop. Also, my unemployment checks should be starting soon, which will also be helping.

4. I had to buy a blood pressure monitor. I am allowed to start working out again. My heart is ok, just has a low pressure. As long as the pressure is above 100, i can work out. Makes me happy!

5. I am on season 9 of Friends. To all of you who are sick of hearing me talk in Friends speak, I promise, I'm ALMOST done!!

I think that's it for now. Except for this cute picture.


The end.

Monday, April 9, 2007

How not to act on or after a date....

Tonight I went on a quick coffee date. I have emailed and chatted with Craig for a little while, and I finally felt comfortable to meet up with him. I was planning on studying in Starbucks tonight, so i suggested that we meet there. It was a public area so if for whatever reason he was sketchy, I had somewhere to go and people around me. I didn't think that he'd be a serial killer or anything because we had gotten to a comfortable place, and i was ready.

So, i was at Starbucks, with the computer and my biology homework. I looked cute, wearing my skinny jeans and my vest with cute white shirt. My hair was silky and shiny and i even was wearing some make up (shocking i know!). I ran into 2 friends while waiting for Craig to show up. It was nice to catch up and while i was chatting, Craig came in and introduced himself. My friends went home and we were left to talk.

I was really awkward. I totally had no clue what to say or how to act. I felt so uncomfortable, which made me feel even more self conscious and awkward. Our discussions were odd and there was a lot of uncomfortable silence. The end came and I was asked on another date, and i reluctantly agreed. I'm not good at purposely hurting someone. Then the goodbye was strange, with a lingering hug and hands on backs, and i just didn't know what to do.




Craig left, and then texted me saying "it wasn't so bad was it". I responded with "i'm still too nervous". I then went to text the wentworth boy, "i just had a horrible date. aah...", however, at the same time Craig was texting me.

Since all Gods are against me the text to the wentworth boy went to Craig. Oh yes folks. I could make the date even worse. Craig, being the bigger person, responded saying "it wasn't that bad was it..." and whatnot.

I talked to Ali and the wentworth boy and both had their nice little laughs, and told me that like a band-aid, i just needed to pull it off, quick and some what painless. So, after coming to terms with how much of an awful person I am, I sent an e-mail that hopefully conveyed how i feel in a i'm-not-a-complete-bitch way, though i am.

Lesson: don't act stupid and send a text to the wrong person.