it's not you, it's me - for real.

It's me. It's seriously all me.

Most of you know that this hippie has been whining all to much about being lonely, and single, and sad, and blah blah blah. So I put an ad on Craigslist. For those of you who don't know much about Craigslist, it is a meca of all things needed - apartments, furniture, jobs, pets, erotic excitement, auditions for a cappella groups, and of course, relationships.

Part of me thought hesitantly about position for fear that despite my desire to move on, maybe my heart really wasn't ready. I figured though the best thing was to move on to someone else, and forget about the past. Forget about what I used to have, and go out there and get something new.

I put an ad up and got some delightful responses (some i must admit were r-a-u-n-c-h-y). So i responded to the polite ads. A guy "named" Opie responded. Opie was so very friendly via e-mail, quick witted on im, and beyond belief pleasant during text messages. I thought, great! This will be good. We set up a time and place to meet, and I got cold feet. I didn't want to go through with it. Wasn't sure why, i just felt uncomfortable. I attributed it to nerves and continued with the plan. As yesterday evening approached, i felt more awful and uncomfortable about the whole situation, but i attempted to put on a great face.

I planted myself at Starbucks, and arrived early enough to begin working on my lab. Opie arrived and was SO nice. We had an hour of awkward, first time conversation spanning from how terrible chemistry class is to Ann Margaret rolling around in baked beans in the movie version of Tommy. There were pleasentries exchanged, and all in all it went ok, minus the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew something was wrong, something was off, and it wans't him at all. It was me.

Opie left with optimism in his eyes. As soon as he walked out the door, i knew that i had done wrong. I had pushed it too far. Feelings were invovled and i needed to stop now. On my way home I cried, and sobbed. I was filled with frustration, sadness, and anger. And not at anyone but myself. I realized I can't be with someone else, i can't give my heart to someone, i can't even pretend to give my heart when i know deep down I am not ready for that.

I received the sweetest email from Opie this morning.

I had a great time tonight meeting with you. You didn't come off as nervous at all, in fact I thought you were really cute. I was wondering if you wanted to goto the movie at the Boston Harbor Hotel this Friday?

I responded explaining first that i had to help Ali with cupcakes on Friday night. Then i went into my saga of life hoping he might thing i was being honest and not just an asshole.

So I stand alone (like the cheese in the song). And for the first time, ever. I'm ok with that decision. I am honest with myself. I am not able to move on, and i know that. If I am honest with myself, things can change. I am admitting an issue, I will be taking steps to change. And it looks like, for now, it's just me, and that's just fine.



update: i got another email from Opie. Could the guy be any nicer? (the email is edited of course)

First off, you are not an ass, not by a long shot...It’s still a little tough to think about it but I feel I’m ready to move on and meet some new people. I know you are not ready right now to go out with other people now, but if and when you are ready let me know. So what do we do now? I do like talking with you and like I said it was good meeting you last night, but I don’t want to make this any harder on you.