defeated...

broken. done. numb. defeated.

that's how i feel right now. i am struggling with the idea that i am here verses some deep dark depths of hell, which may actually be where i am right now.

i've tried so hard to over come obstacles. look what i have accomplished without anyone. and i used to be so proud of that. but now i am so mad. i am so mad that i had to make choices that have put me in the dilemma i am in now. i am so frustrated that when i finally realize my calling, where I belong, i can't do it because i didn't want to be treated by him that way. i didn't want to live with him, or be his daughter because i hated him. i wanted to be on my own to prove i could do it, and now, i face the harsh reality.... i can't.

finally, after years, i have made it into nursing school. after all the rejection letters, one acceptance letter meant more to me then anything. but what's the use when i can't go. i can't afford it.

my financial aid package came today. i apparently earn too much money, so i only got 12000. now, i recognize that i should be happy with getting anything. but its not even close to being enough, not even close. so, i applied for a loan. and was denied. not just denied i need a cosigner denied. i was told tonight that there would be no way that any company or bank would sign a loan over to me even with a cosigner. my credit is so low and the report is so bad that nothing will get me out.

the sad part. i paid off a huge chunk of debt in 2007. huge. i dropped that debt by 75%. but that doesn't matter because there is still more. and i can't get rid of it. i'm trying here. and now i'm drowning in despair and debt.

i am spiraling out of emotional control. i know this post is ridiculous, but this post is an outlet, a place where i can try and regain some of the control of my life that i truly feel i've lost.

and now, i am just so sad. about everything. i am so angry, and so word less.