it's not you, it's me - for real.

It's me. It's seriously all me.

Most of you know that this hippie has been whining all to much about being lonely, and single, and sad, and blah blah blah. So I put an ad on Craigslist. For those of you who don't know much about Craigslist, it is a meca of all things needed - apartments, furniture, jobs, pets, erotic excitement, auditions for a cappella groups, and of course, relationships.

Part of me thought hesitantly about position for fear that despite my desire to move on, maybe my heart really wasn't ready. I figured though the best thing was to move on to someone else, and forget about the past. Forget about what I used to have, and go out there and get something new.

I put an ad up and got some delightful responses (some i must admit were r-a-u-n-c-h-y). So i responded to the polite ads. A guy "named" Opie responded. Opie was so very friendly via e-mail, quick witted on im, and beyond belief pleasant during text messages. I thought, great! This will be good. We set up a time and place to meet, and I got cold feet. I didn't want to go through with it. Wasn't sure why, i just felt uncomfortable. I attributed it to nerves and continued with the plan. As yesterday evening approached, i felt more awful and uncomfortable about the whole situation, but i attempted to put on a great face.

I planted myself at Starbucks, and arrived early enough to begin working on my lab. Opie arrived and was SO nice. We had an hour of awkward, first time conversation spanning from how terrible chemistry class is to Ann Margaret rolling around in baked beans in the movie version of Tommy. There were pleasentries exchanged, and all in all it went ok, minus the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew something was wrong, something was off, and it wans't him at all. It was me.

Opie left with optimism in his eyes. As soon as he walked out the door, i knew that i had done wrong. I had pushed it too far. Feelings were invovled and i needed to stop now. On my way home I cried, and sobbed. I was filled with frustration, sadness, and anger. And not at anyone but myself. I realized I can't be with someone else, i can't give my heart to someone, i can't even pretend to give my heart when i know deep down I am not ready for that.

I received the sweetest email from Opie this morning.

I had a great time tonight meeting with you. You didn't come off as nervous at all, in fact I thought you were really cute. I was wondering if you wanted to goto the movie at the Boston Harbor Hotel this Friday?

I responded explaining first that i had to help Ali with cupcakes on Friday night. Then i went into my saga of life hoping he might thing i was being honest and not just an asshole.

So I stand alone (like the cheese in the song). And for the first time, ever. I'm ok with that decision. I am honest with myself. I am not able to move on, and i know that. If I am honest with myself, things can change. I am admitting an issue, I will be taking steps to change. And it looks like, for now, it's just me, and that's just fine.



update: i got another email from Opie. Could the guy be any nicer? (the email is edited of course)

First off, you are not an ass, not by a long shot...It’s still a little tough to think about it but I feel I’m ready to move on and meet some new people. I know you are not ready right now to go out with other people now, but if and when you are ready let me know. So what do we do now? I do like talking with you and like I said it was good meeting you last night, but I don’t want to make this any harder on you.

To-do list of sorts...

I've got some free time, now that I'm temping here at MIT. Today, I was on boston.com looking at their summer suggestions for under $25. That for me is perfect. I was thinking of a few things i wanted to do, and thought i would share them with you. This is also an open invitation to do these with me. We can set up a time and go forth!!

1. Made by Me Pottery in Harvard Square. Rumor has it you choose the piece you want to work on ($3.00 - $40.00) and than paint ($4.00 per half hour). They with throw it and when it's done it is dishwasher and microwave safe!

2. Boston Nature Conservatory. I've heard good things about this place, escpecially for picture taking. A $2.00 donation is asked.

3. South Street Diner. I've been before with Marian and John, but would like to go back. You know, for an actual midnight meal. It could be fun, especially since they have carafes of sangria.

4. Kayaking on the Charles. Seems quite exciting. They also have canoeing. A single kayak for one hour is $14, and for the whole day is $56. I think next year a season pass might be worth the $265.

5. Coolidge Theatre. I love this theatre. I feel as though i should invest more in local business. No more AMC, but more Coolidge and Somerville Theatres.

6. Shopping in the South End. Perhaps i don't need to shop, but I would like to spend more time in the South End. It's such a pretty area, and i hear there are good markets.

7. Boston Harbor Islands. Let's go camping! Or for a picnic, frisbee, hiking, etc... The boat ride (round trip) is only $10.

8. B-side lounge. They have fondue. Let's go. Now.

9. ICA has free Thursday night entry. Who says i can't skip bible study for a little culture right?

10. Free Friday Night Flicks at the Hatch Shell. Here's what is playing:

June 22 : Night at the Museum
July 6: Shrek (2) i believe.
July 13 : Over the Hedge (one of my personal favorite movies thanks to Patterson)
July 20: Harry Potter - no clue which one. Hopefully NOT the one with the spiders
July 27: Ice Age 2 (another one of Patterson & my favorites!)
August 3 : Back to the Future!
August 10: “The King of Rock and Roll” falls in love in the entertainment
capitol of the world (no clue what movie that is)
August 17: The Wizard of Oz
August 24: Happy Feet (REALLY want to see this!)
August 31: Charlotte's Web

11. Movies by Moonlight at the Boston Harbor Hotel. Here's what's playing:

June 22:Roman Holiday
June 29: Goodbye Mr. Chips
July 6:Vertigo
July 13: To Kill A Mockingbird
July20: The Philadelphia Story
July 27: Inherit The Wind
August 3rd: A Man For All Seasons
August 10: Invasion Of The Body Snatchers
August 17: The Best Years Of Our Lives
August 24: Citizen Kane
August 31:The Thin Man

12. Free Concert's in Copley Square. Really, i'm interested in just one. Matt Nathanson, whom i love is coming on August 16th. The only issue is that it's a Thursday. Boo!

13. Sam Adams Tour. Tours and tastings occur on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays from noon to 3 p.m., Fridays from noon to 5:30 p.m., and Saturdays between 11 a.m. and 3 p.m., starting every half hour. Similarly, Harpoon Brewery hosts tastings Tuesday through Thursday at 4 p.m., Friday from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., and on Saturdays at noon, 2 p.m., and 4 p.m.

Umm... what?

So, I started a temp job at MIT. It's with the Nobel Prize winning man, Dr. Phillip Sharp.

Dr. Phillip A. Sharp, currently Institute Professor, joined the Center for Cancer Research at MIT in 1974 and served as its Director for six years, from 1985 to 1991, before taking over as Head of the Department of Biology, a position he held for the next eight years. More recently, he was Founding Director of the McGovern Institute, a position he held from 2000 to 2004. Dr. Sharp’s research interests have centered on the molecular biology of gene expression relevant to cancer and the mechanisms of RNA splicing. His landmark work (1977) provided one of the first indications of the startling phenomenon of “discontinuous genes” in mammalian cells. This discovery, which fundamentally changed scientists' understanding of the structure of genes, earned Dr. Sharp the 1993 Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine. His lab has now turned its attention to understanding how RNA molecules act as switches to turn genes on and off (RNA interference). These newly discovered processes have revolutionized cell biology and could potentially generate a new class of therapeutics. Dr. Sharp has authored over 350 scientific papers. His work has earned him numerous cancer research awards and presidential and national scientific board appointments. He is elected member of the National Academy of Sciences, the Institute of Medicine, the American Philosophical Society, and the American Academy of Arts and Sciences. He is also the recipient of the National Medal of Science and the Inaugural Double Helix Medal for Scientific Research from Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory. Dr. Sharp earned a B.A. degree from Union College, KY, and a PhD in chemistry from the University of Illinois. In 1978 he co-founded Biogen (now Biogen Idec), in 2002, he co-founded Alnylam Pharmaceuticals, an early-stage therapeutics company, and in 2006, he co-founded Magen Biosciences Inc., a biotechnology company developing agents to promote the health of human skin. He serves on the boards of all three companies.

All around me, in the hall are different labs. I see students running around with dry ice, and different chemicals... occasionally wearing full gear (robe, gloves, and mask). It's all quite entertaining and interesting to me.

The best however, occurred moments ago. Everyone is off at their lab luncheon. A man in a white lab coat, wearing goggles, and gloves came in to my office and said "i am supposed to pick up the radioactive material, could you tell me where it is in here?"

I looked quite stunned apparently because he then said, "this is an office, not a lab, huh?" He called down to his supervisor and indeed there was a typo on his pick-up sheet. It was supposed to be e-17-528, not e-17-529.

duh.

Howzyamomma'an'dem?

You Might be from New Orleans If ...

- You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"

- Every so often, you have waterfront property.

- When giving directions you use words like "uptown," "downtown," "backatown," "riverside," "lakeside," "other side of the bayou" or "other side of the levee."

- When you refer to a geographical location "way up North," you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold."

- You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it. (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya)

- You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.

- You know the definition of "dressed."

- The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab, and King Cake.

- You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

- You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.

- Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.

- You describe a color as "K&B Purple."

- You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.

S&M and Cuddling?

So, after only 4 weeks of training, I took my final, and aced it. Yes, folks, I am now a Certified Nursing Assistant. Next week i have to take the state licensing test which rumor has it can be difficult - but i am confident in myself and friends that we will practice and pass. Speaking of which, any one free on Wednesday and wants to be my actor? Maybe i'll get you lunch (doubtfully though since i have no money!).

We went out after bible study, as usually, but with a little celebration. Crimson was telling us a story about a student she tutors. The girl is taking human sexuality and the article that was being discussed was about S & M and explanations of why different types of people enjoy it. Things along the line of gay men feel extreme masculinity or something along those lines. Apparently, there was also a pie chart with different S&M activities. Some of those listed included fisting, rimming, and water sports. The poor girl was utterly mortified and confused. Dear Crimson had to explain what each activity was and how they were applicable to the topic of conversation. As we're all discussing this in UNO's (myself, Crimson, Marian and Sean), Sean's face seems a bit in shock and he blurts out "Does no one cuddle anymore!?". We thought it was the most hilarious statements and i felt that i wanted to share.

Just so you know, Sean, the cuddling comes after the water sports. {wink}

I LOVE BEING A CNA!!!!!!!

This morning i was nervous. More nervous then i have been for an audition, for a job interview, for anything. Today was my first day of clinical. The life of some cute elderly lady was going to be in my hands. I thought for a bit, perhaps this was a mistake, maybe i can't do it...



I met Amy at Dunkin' and we headed to Central Square to meet up with Mere, who would be driving us. Before we left Mere's house, her adorable son says "mommy, you forgot something". We all wait and see what it is and he runs in to the kitchen and grabs her stethoscope and wishes us a good day! Perhaps he had wished us the luck we needed.

We arrived at the Nursing Home and had our tour. I have to stay i am quite disappointed in the nursing home status. There were supplies missing, the floors were very dirty and don't even get me started on the shower room, ew. We made do.

Mere and i were given assignments first. We were going to work in the same room with different residents. We were so thankful to at least have each other just a curtain away! We started collecting whatever supplies we could. My resident is a talker, and i think that is why Maris gave her to me. She is very sweet. She is pretty independent. Years ago she had a cerebral vascular accident, cva (aka, a stroke) so she is paralyzed on her right side. Maris knows the one thing i can't remember is how to dress a person with a weak side. I believe i have to put on the weak side first, take off the strong side first. I gave her a bed bath, got her dressed and to the bathroom and ready to go down to see her friends. I was so proud of myself. I for sure thought I wouldn't be able to do it. But i did, and i think i did it well.

The rest of the day consisted of helping other folks getting their resident's up and ready since mine is fairly independent and making lots of beds. I had one tiny mishap where i miss judged how far i pulled down my residents briefs and we then had to change her again, but that was my fault.

I am so happy because i know this what i am supposed to do. It fits, completely. All other things in my life may be swirling around in chaos, but this, this is right.

what is this i'm feeling?

I am sometimes surprised by my emotions. Maybe tonight i'm tired. Maybe i'm pmsing and so i am extra emotional, but whatever it is... i am emotional and confused and sad.

As some of you may know, Patterson is out in Colorado with a program called Training Ground. He has been searching for years to figure out who he was, which for me is hard to believe because i have always loved who he is/was, even when he was ripping my heart out and i felt as though i was being broken in to a million pieces. I came out of it, still loving that dumb kid. I am not sure that i will ever stop, and that's just how it is.

So, he's in Colorado, and most of men in this program are writing blogs. He started to write one, and i commented, adding a quick little joke. Everyone else has written since then, except him. Part of me is worried that i might have interfered where i shouldn't have. And now he won't post.

The other part of me is worried. I miss talking to him and hearing how things are going and it sucks to not be able to call him up and say "how is your day today? did you climb to the top of some mountain?". Instead, i hear random things from the other guys blogs.

I think what annoys me most is how my heart is reacting. I thought I had moved on. I thought i had made amends and gotten on, but I seem to still be stuck in the same place. Still yearning to be close to him, to be his friend and to be involved. I am praying for him, and i am sure he knows that, but i seek more and its hard because, its not going to happen.

How is it that someone who entered and exited your life 5 years ago can still effect you today? Why is love such a difficult emotion, and yet something we seek to find everywhere?

ok. just needed to get that out.


sidenote: i bought scrubs today and start clinical on Monday. I am very excited. I will be positing pictures of me in my scrubs soon!