Mean Girl...

blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

Apparently, i am on the track of blogging about what we discussed in bible study the night before. I think this is a good thing, because it's helping me see parts of myself that i am not sure i have really looked at before.

At the beginning of group, we talked about the differences of Mercy and Grace. I have still not yet grasped the concept, but i thought these interpretations were good:

Mercy is when you aren't given what you do deserve and
grace is what you are given when you don't deserve it.

I feel like the definitions of these words are hard. I said last night for me, when I hear mercy, all i can think of is being kids, and having someone twist your arm until you call for "mercy" or uncle. But in these definitions, I can begin to see some separation.

After a few examples of mercy and grace, our pastor talked about the necessity of the combination of mercy and forgiveness. He brought up that when someone has wronged you, you then hold a type of power over them. Most of us choose to turn that power into a search for justice for rights to be wronged. But until we offer mercy, we can not truly forgive the other. It is easy for us to point out the flaws in others. We can sit back and say, I'm better because i didn't do such and such. However, it isn't until we realize that that type of self-righteousness is just as damaging as the original transgression that we can offer true mercy.

As we discussed this, i realized that for myself, this was very true in the case of Patterson. Four years, he said I'm sorry to me. Over and over, apologizing for his wrongs against me. All i ever said back to him, was you don't get it, you hurt me, you did me wrong, you hurt me... All i wanted was justice, for him to see and feel the pain he caused me all these years. I wanted to see that he "got" how hurt i was, that he could feel his heart ripped out and torn in to pieces. I wanted justice, i wanted the situation to be "righted".

blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

My fight for justice began to crack in November when I visited him for the first time in four years. I was able to ask him questions, and see on his face how much it pained him to tell me the truth. I was able to see how truly sorry he was for the pain he caused. I could see it on his heart. But i still wasn't over anything, i still held it, in this quiet power, that no one but me knew about.

I don't really know what is was in June. I can't pin point it quite exactly, other then i remember many conversations surrounding forgiveness. The most influential followed along the lines of saying the one who does not forgive is just as sinful as the one who originally sinned. For a bit I laughed that off, but then i realized that it is true. My heart was turning colder and colder, and spiritually, i wasn't going to grow, until I let it go. I also realized, that not forgiving someone, especially after they had apologized is causing damage on that person. They need to hear that they have been forgiven, or else they will wander about with this weight of sin, and that is not fair either.


My Aha moment came, and I wrote Patterson a note. In that note, I apologized for being the mean girl I am, and told him that finally, after years, I have truly forgiven him. Me having this "power" was not doing anyone good, and was certainly not making our relationship any healthier. I knew it could only grow if we pruned the bad parts off and that meant me starting with a completely clean slate.

blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

Our pastor said that I showed great mercy. I am not quite sure how i feel about that. I guess i could make up this picture in my head of Patterson stomping on my toe, and then saying sorry, but i can muster up is to twist his arm until he screams mercy. I think in our instance, God screamed Mercy. He said it needed to be given, and I finally came to understand what it meant.

All I hope and pray for now is God's Grace to be cast upon Patterson and I. Perhaps we can be granted Godly things that we may not deserve and be spared the things we do. I pray that I am shown mercy, that I am spared being ridiculed for having been so mean and selfish. But that all comes in God's time I guess...

blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy