what is this i'm feeling?

I am sometimes surprised by my emotions. Maybe tonight i'm tired. Maybe i'm pmsing and so i am extra emotional, but whatever it is... i am emotional and confused and sad.

As some of you may know, Patterson is out in Colorado with a program called Training Ground. He has been searching for years to figure out who he was, which for me is hard to believe because i have always loved who he is/was, even when he was ripping my heart out and i felt as though i was being broken in to a million pieces. I came out of it, still loving that dumb kid. I am not sure that i will ever stop, and that's just how it is.

So, he's in Colorado, and most of men in this program are writing blogs. He started to write one, and i commented, adding a quick little joke. Everyone else has written since then, except him. Part of me is worried that i might have interfered where i shouldn't have. And now he won't post.

The other part of me is worried. I miss talking to him and hearing how things are going and it sucks to not be able to call him up and say "how is your day today? did you climb to the top of some mountain?". Instead, i hear random things from the other guys blogs.

I think what annoys me most is how my heart is reacting. I thought I had moved on. I thought i had made amends and gotten on, but I seem to still be stuck in the same place. Still yearning to be close to him, to be his friend and to be involved. I am praying for him, and i am sure he knows that, but i seek more and its hard because, its not going to happen.

How is it that someone who entered and exited your life 5 years ago can still effect you today? Why is love such a difficult emotion, and yet something we seek to find everywhere?

ok. just needed to get that out.


sidenote: i bought scrubs today and start clinical on Monday. I am very excited. I will be positing pictures of me in my scrubs soon!