How do I put myself before others?

disclaimer to the Wentworth boy. This is about you.

I was having a chat the other night with one of my close friends. We were just updating each other on our lives and we talked a bit about relationships. Over my life I have had many different types of relationships from friendships to dating or post-dating. I have a way of making friends quickly and I always have a heart that falls fast. However, I've been hurt so many times that it takes a lot for me to share that I have fallen for someone. By the time I say something it's usually too late and we've crossed in to no-dating land, the "can't-go-back" friendship level.

Partially I understand this no-mans land, and yet, I still find myself wondering how one can feel for another and put those feelings all away, some how. Even my ex's still have a small place in my heart (well atleast most of them, some of them don't even deserve a place in hell).

Anyways. I was talking to my friend and he recommended the same thing that everyone has recommended, "you just need to stay away. no contact, nothing." My initial response was "I did that for over 2 months and it didn't work. And I can't hurt him more by saying we're done forever, because I can't be done forever, I care way tooo much. god i suck." He responded: "NO, you don't suck, you can't suck for being a good person at heart, that's not fair to you" Then me: "he's been dealing with me saying we can't be friends, we can, we can't. And its not fair to him or me."

I am stuck. My heart is stuck. I don't know how to be friends with him. I don't know how to set aside these insane feelings that I have had for a long time to just be platonic friends with him. How do I tell myself that to move on and put him just as a friend. How can I move past like everyone else has moved past? How do I say that I need to take care of me first and then worry about them (or him)? Why is this a constant thing in my mind, that I can't get it out because it starting to consume thoughts? I've been running to try to clear my mind. I'm a fat kid, I don't run people. I feel so guilty for trying to put myself first, for saying I need to take care of me and I'm sorry that you miss me and wish that this wasn't happening. I feel guilty that after a year of knowing this person, I still feel almost the same as I did when I met him even though he's moved on, a loooong time ago. I still get stupid butterflies, I still blush and yet in the back of my mind know that it doesn't matter, its all one sided. I just don't know how to make it no sided. I don't know how to look at this person, who i value sooo much, i respect and trust - which is so rare (not for the person, but for me) means so much. I wish i could just put this all in the past and just be. Just be able to call them and say this was my day and not have in the back of my head stupid things. I just wish i could change it all. How do i change it all? How do i move on? Help, i beg of you.

wishlist: head or heart transplant.