but it's been so long...

2 years ago (just about to the day) I had my first one. I was getting ready to go to the Ramification's performance at the Museum of Fine Arts. Keri and I were getting ready at my apartment. We were to wear all black with "bling", which meant a splash of color. I had in my head the whole outfit. I put it on and the blacks didn't match. Not a big deal, I have plenty of black shirts, I can get another one. So I put on another one, again, no blacks matched. I started to breathe very heavily, and then I started to cry. I just sobbed and poor Keri had no clue what to do. I didn't think it would be possible for me to go outside looking as I did. In shambles, clothes not matching, my face a wreck and worst of all, how I looked from head to toe - gross. It took a long time to get calm enough that we could go on and sing, but some how I got through it and thought, ok... well that was strange.

Then they started happening more often. I started freaking out when I looked in the mirror, when I saw a spider, when I thought of my family, all of these stressors triggered some type of attack. It got so severe that I started seeing someone at Suffolk. He said they were panic attacks and we would try to get to the route of the problem, in the mean time taught me some simple ways to control myself when it happens.

It has been 2 years and since then I have probably had about 5 panic attacks, most of them I have been able to control. Every so often I'll have a bad one, like February this year when my dad turned my cell phone off and decided to be an ass (more than usual) to me. I crawled in to the corner of the bathroom and just sobbed and tried so hard to breathe. Thankfully the Wentworth boy took pity on me and took me home and made me rest. But I have really gotten a handle on the situation... that is until tonight.

I was trying on clothes to wear tomorrow because it is Suffolk's centennial celebration and I wanted to look presentable. After all Former President Bush will be there, and I feel as though it is a classy steve madden shoe day verses the good ol' old navy flip-flops. I was wearing my favorite black pants, a white shirt with a grey sweater. It looked presentable I guess, but all of a sudden it became too tight. I expanded past the point of recognition and all I could do was to try to rip it off me. When I got to my room (from the mirror I was looking in ) and changed, I started to cry, sob, shake with fear, and then came the breathing, or lack there of. The air was out of my room and all I could feel was something closing in on me. I am not completely sure what triggered it, but I do know that I am not wanting to go see Bush tomorrow, or wear anything fancy (not like I really own anything presentable, that also creates a bit of an issue for me. I have a lot more growing up to do than I thought.)

I am scared. I'm not going to lie. Things have been worrying me. My dad got married on Saturday. I haven't spoken to some of my best friends in a while because of schedules. I am worried about how to be friends with people. I am worried about work and if I can be an effective volunteer coordinator. I am overly self conscious and am worried about how to overcome that. My brain has become a sess pool of concern.