Sometimes, I do really dumb things.

There once was a boy. We'll call him Patterson. And this boy forever changed how I looked at relationships, which is scary and yet great all at once. Patterson was one of the first men to make me see that not all men were horrible creatures who have been sent by God to destroy innocent women and girls.

I met Patterson at my second college in my U.S. History class. He used to come in ever day with a plain bagel and calcium enriched orange juice. He was a very good looking man (he looked like Dave Matthews, so really, who could ask for more sitting next to you in one of your favorite classes! SERIOUSLY FOLKS!). I was always afraid to talk to him because I was convinced he was out of my league. One day he came in with non-calcium enriched oj and those of us there early started to make some jokes and he started talking to us. He was a nice enough guy and said hello through out the rest of the week when seeing me in the hall or the computer lab.

At this same time I was dating a guy named Paul (not PF, but PM). PM and I were an odd match, and did most of our relationship on-line, which I am sure doesn't surprise the Wentworth boy. Anyways. PM was the first guy that I really was physical with and it scared me. I was really active in my church. I gave abstinence talks, and a physical relationship was just not what I wanted at that time. So I broke up with him and he didn't take it very well.

I was in the computer lab one day. Patterson was in there on a computer near me and PM came in VERY ANGRY. He began to yell at me in the computer lab and obviously, I was embarrassed. Patterson got up and very guarded stood near me to make sure nothing happened. The fight passed and Patterson asked, obviously about PM. I explained much of the story but left out details like, I was a Christian, physical relationship and the like. I just didn't think he should know that stuff, especially because I thought he was cute.

PM left me alone and Patterson quickly became one of my best friends. He supported me through so much with family and friends and just life. At one point Patterson came to the lab wearing a white button down shirt with a yellow t-shirt with red lettering under it. The red letter read "

You are the salt of the earth, but if the salt has lost its flavor, with what will it be salted? It is then good for nothing, but to be cast out and trodden under the feet of men."

So I asked him about it. He said he worked with a youth group at his church. And went on to explain he had just become a Christian in the past year or so. So I explained where I stood on faith and it added a totally new level...

He was one of my best friends and really, I only saw him as that. Until I had a friend who had been praying for me say, "what about that Patterson kid, what's up with him". Sure, people had been asking about us all along, but this person really struck a chord with me. I assured them nothing was happening and continued on. But I started praying for it, and asking others to do the same. I felt like he was supposed to be in my life some how.

Over the summer we grew closer and more and more people kept saying, I really think you've found the one, he's wonderful for you, you're so good together, blah blah blah. And honestly, I felt the same way. I thought that maybe I had found "him".

On one of our summer trips, I wrote him a huge letter explaining everything, how I felt, how I had prayed so much, everything. 3 days later (mind you after a road trip and him not saying anything about it, or me bringing it up) he said, he agreed with everything in the letter. I was on top of the world.

I left for Boston about a month later. I cried so hard the night I said goodbye, that I almost crashed the car. In Boston, we talked on the phone almost every night and he even came to vist me. I got really sick and went to the hospital. They told me I needed to go to specialist, and I was scared and wanted something familiar. I called my dad and he said he didn't want to deal with me (being the loving father he is). So Patterson and his mom drove to Boston to fetch me and bring me some where I knew and was comfortable. One night it got really bad and I went to the hospital and they called my dad and brought him in. He yelled and screamed at me. He then sat with Patterson for a few hours. At the end, my stuff was handed over to my dad and Patterson didn't talk to me.

When I finally did talk to him, he seemed very distant and said that he never liked me. He said he tried to force himself to but never did, does not and never will have feelings for me. And I was crushed. I cried forever, I was just wrecked. We tried to get back to where we were but never could. Even a DMB show in December where the girl next to us asked us all night about how cute we were and how we should get married didn't help. In February he broke his back snowboarding, so friends and I went to see him and he would barely talk to me, but I kept trying to atleast keep the friendship. Then he disappeared. No one knew where he had gone. No one could tell me anything.

A year later on February 9th, I got a call from him. He had been in therapy and thought he had seen me and wanted to grab coffee. The problem , I was in Boston and he in NY. So nothing happened. Every so often, he sends a catch up e-mail or I do, but usually its one or two and then nothing for months.


Here's where I get stupid. Today, I was reading myspace, as I often do when I am busy at work. I noticed that there was a new blog post of someone I subscribe to. It happened to be Patterson. He had written a song and posted it. I was very impressed by it. And encouragement never hurt anyone. So I wrote him. I said

"nice job with those song lyrics.
I'm waiting for the day I get to see you in concert."

DUMB DUMB DUMB.

So then he posted back

"you've no idea how good it feels to hear (er, read) your voice...always been a great gift of yours...lifting an old friend when he needs it most... with all my heart, how are you? and p.s.: would you come to it? heh"

Then it went like this:

me: I am doing really well. I have a great job with an HIV/AIDS community center and i'm the volunteer coordinator, I am doing a homeless ministry, I am shaping up and am happy. And yes, I would come.

him: You know what I miss... I miss the argument over the date of the month while walking around Boston...yep that would be right (and yes for the final time...you were right)

me: September 7th.

him: (almost silently growls)........right. Go figure you'd have the date down still ha. It would be great to actually talk to or see you again someday. Despite me being me and what it shows, you've been one of the best friends I ever had. Just wanted you to know that. I've been up for almost 24 hours now (night shift, etc.) so I'm gonna rest. Thank you so much Suzi...for being you.


WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS NICENESS. UGH. Why do I put myself into dumb situations. Why can I not forget this dumb boy. Why can't I say, what's in the past is in the past, done and gone. Over. FORGET ABOUT IT? I dunno.

the end.