Whoo-hoo

First, i want to say thank you to all my friends who have been so amazing to me. I appreciate you all coming out for my birthday and getting me wonderful things. You are all amazing. I truly do have the greatest friends. I had people i never though would come to the party come, and had friends drive from NY to be here. Its nights like Saturday that really make me realize what's around me.

Its also nights like Saturday, and this past week, and this upcoming week, that make me also feel a little behind in life. Today, i am studying. Now, i think in the first place i am going to drop my stats class. I am not sure I can do this independent study thing where i don't understand things, and the dvds don't work and i don't have a professor to talk to. I think it will be better to just take it at another time. We're behind in biology but that's because the professor decided to take things slow, and then we had a huge snow storm. I am worried we'll still have the test on Wednesday, and seriously, i don't know the information. I realize that really i just want to be in school full time. I want to get working on this new degree and start being a nurse. Not that i don't love work now, i do. I just feel like its not where i should be. (this whole thing could be because i am currently watching my beloved Path Adams which always stirs up my heart.) Saturday night also was tough because of the amount of people with significant others or with those around them that they love all the time. As I said, i do have wonderful friends, but sometimes there is just something missing, you know? Like when your best friends live really far away, or when you don't have a significant other to come home to or when who you come home to now has a significant other. All wonderful things that just take a toll on the brain and heart.

I am concerned for myself that i feel like some of my stressors could be cured by someone else. I have experienced in the past that i give way too much of myself and don't get it in return. I get disappointed when my friends don't do for me what i'd do for them. Somehow i am started to realize that i am important too and that i don't need to give all of me first. Its ok to take it a little slow. The same goes for relationships (the non-platonic type). I give too much. I am willing to go all out and always get heart broken because i barely get anything in return.

There is this new boy. I have decided to not really become close friends with him because i do like him and i am not ready to deal with crap again. We spend sometime together and see each other and perhaps send messages, but, i am not walking the "friend-line" again. I am protecting myself this time.

Gosh, i just keep jumping from subject to subject, and there is no link between anything. Too bad for you reading this because i am going to keep going.

I have lost 22 pounds. Which is wonderful. The interesting thing is that when i look at pictures of me now, i still am disgusted as to what i look like. Its strange because i was never so disgusted 22 pounds heavier. I feel like i have so much to do, so much to change until i am comfortable with myself. I also find it interesting that at 22lbs lighter that some of my clothes finally fit, but i have been wearing them all along. Where have my friends been to tell to me to stop wearing things that look bad. In the future, will you tell me when things look bad?

Alright, i am done whining for now. Off to read more biology and watch the rest of Patch Adams.