I don't know ok? Is that really ok? Is it alright to have a 23 year-old single? Apparently not in the state of Washington.
As much as i loved my trip to seattle, i was taken aback by the amount of Trace's friends who were married with children at such a young age, pretty much all under 30. The number one question from anyone there was when will it be your turn.
I've had a rough week. My heart controls me and my heart was presumptuous and has been slightly broken, again. But that's ok. I was a little bit more prepared for that to occur, but one can never really be ready for complete and utter heart break.
I am depressed. I was confessing all this to Marian last night. While i was on the plane, i had a minor break down about not wanting to come back to Boston, not wanting to be in NY, not wanting to be in NOLA or Colorado or Africa. I started crying when i saw the snow covered Mountains. I am a mess. I had a minor breakdown in Seattle over not being married and not having kids and thinking that someone's husband was adorable, and SO HIGHLY inappropriate. I feel lonely, and sad and bitter and jaded. I am frustrated by friends and lovers and feel hopeless. And yet, am in a somewhat decent mood when i get up in the morning, still have the ability to smile and laugh, but have the remarkable ability to cry at the drop of a hat. Just now for instance, i got an email from a guy at work, and now i'm crying. WHAT THE HELL.
Anyway. I'm not getting married anytime soon. No baby making in the future (or any activity that may fall under baby making) in the future. No dates, no valentine... Nope. Just me. Lonely. me.
PS - my birthday is in 8 days.
Astrovirus
15 years ago
3 comments:
You so totally won't be alone!!!! I mean you do have class that night :). Cheer up little one, it gets better, I promise.
I know what it's like to go home (or to a place that isn't home but still has many of the same characteristics) and see everyone there my age married with kids. This used to feel normal to me, until I moved here and people who were married by 23 or so became a huge anomaly and everyone assumed they must be religious crazies to marry so young. It's an odd mix of two worlds, and I can see both sides, but I've settled firmly on the "for heaven's sake, I'm only 23!" side of the fence. We have the rest of our lives to find that, if that's what we're meant to find, and we can't let someone else's very young marriage make us feel like we're "supposed" to have that as well. Of course, now that I have someone serious, we get asked about marriage approximately every 3.5 minutes, and that's not really the most fun question to answer either. You're nowhere close to spinster, and you don't own any cats. You're doing just fine. Oh yeah, and don't feel guilty for finding someone's husband attractive. Once I found my first cousin pretty cute. But don't tell anyone I said that. The point is, for each demographic group you hang out with, there's a "right" answer on marriage or lack thereof, the appropriate age for it, having kids, etc. None of those is by default the "right" answer. There's only your right answer, and you'll get there. Plus I love you. And I missed you.
Also, I wouldn't blame ALL of Washington for the pressure to marry. I mean you were near a military base in a suburb -- I mean those people are known for marrying young. I think in Seattle you would have found more single acceptance, I mean it's one of the top 10 cities for singles:
(I tried to make that a link but I am not sure it's going to work)
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