Minor Breakdown...

I guess I've been pretending too much to be much stronger then I actually am. It helps, the outward appearence, to pretend to look like you can handle anything, that it doesn't matter if a guy doesn't look your way or return your feelings, it doesn't matter that you're spending the holidays not with your family (I mean sure, mine family is crap, but still...), it doesn't matter that all these things rolled in to one person may eventually lead them to crash.

But it does matter, cause i did crash. I had a minor breakdown in the truck.

After a wonderful weekend in NYC and a few days upstate relaxing, Patterson was driving me to the bus station. As we were driving, i was thinking about how great he's been, how nice the christmas lights on the streets around look, and then i realize that we're almost to my dad's exit. Which is when for some reason, i started to get really sad. I started to get angry that i was being driving to a bus station on Christmas Eve, only to spend Christmas Day working. I started to cry just as Patterson asked me what my favorite part of the weekend had been. Then i just let it all out, i just was overcome with emotion and just bawled. I bawled for the fact that i didn't have a christmas tree, had no one to spend the day with, that Patterson's mom had told me she loved me, that it's been years since my own family had told me that they loved me - so many things just racing through my head all in a time span of exit 11 to exit 9. Patterson then promptly turned the truck around and fueled my silly christmas desire to look at christmas lights in neighborhoods. Of course we got a little lost in the neighborhood, but that's fine.

I guess some how i need to learn to let go of all the issues that i carrying around with me. Some how, years later the lack of christmas tradition still wears so very thin on me and i wish that i could some how recreate it. I want christmas lights on the house, i want christmas trees and candles in every window. I want family to all come over and enjoy cookies that i've made with friends and family. Then i want to go to church with loved ones (eventually this will include my adorable children who will be wearing beautiful christmas dresses with big bows and the boys will have vests and bow ties). I want christmas day to be filled with laughter and joy, even if everyone doesn't get what they want. I also want snow.

Maybe i want the impossible, the improbable, the unlikely. Maybe much of what i am looking for in life is impossible. Maybe there no one out there for me, maybe there isn't a future with kids, maybe i am not meant to be a nurse, maybe i will never have a christmas like the one i want, but i can atleast wish right? A girl can always continue to wish for good things?

Usually, i don't post song lyrics on this but here goes:

Stand - Rascal Flats - Me and My Gang

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Ooohhh