pangs, dreams, fears and photos....

- So, when i started working here at the Living Center, i moved my desk, so when i look to my left, i am over looking a play ground. Occasionally, i absorbed in watching the cute little tykes playing out on the slide, or in the sand box. I watch as they scatter through out the whole yard, laughing and screaming with 100% joy.

I was watching them just a few moments ago and found myself wishing that i had one. This happens often. But then i found myself daydreaming. I found myself getting married and having pictures taken, and then getting pregnant and having pictures taken, and then having an adorable, loved child (pictures obviously). I pictured my husband and i pushing the kids on a swing and building sand castles. I picture the older boy (cause this IS how it will happen), taking care of his little sister, helping her to get up the slide.

What scares me about this daydream is the possibility of it never coming true. I am scared that none of my dreams will come true and then i question why i have desired them in the first place. What if i don't get in to nursing school? What if i don't get married to the man of my dreams? What if i can't have children? I know, i think too much, but it's where I'm at.

- i just got off the phone with a guy from Jewish Family and ChildrenÂ’s Services in Waltham, looking for volunteering opportunities for our clients who have varying degrees of mental disability. Of all the issues out there, for some reason, i am most uncomfortable with mental and developmental disabilities. I am not sure why, there is not real reason for this. I generally avoid it when i can, but recently it has been right in front of my face. I have to say that i am very excited that 4 folks from this group will be coming to the Living Center next week to see if we can have them volunteer every week. I am excited for this opportunity because i am hoping that it will help me over come my feelings. (writing this, i feel like i am a jerk, but i'm really not). This will be good.

- I got a new camera last night. Not really brand new, just new to me. It's a Canon Rebel 2000, EOS, SLR. I am excited for this because i've never had a film camera with auto focus. YAY! You better bet your life that it already has film in it!