a new hope...

Something to convince me
To renew hope!
A new day,
Bright enough
To help me find my way!
-jekyll/hyde the musical.


Its been almost a week since i have felt the security of a job. Thankfully a few things financially have fallen in to place and i will be ok for a bit. I have spent the days relaxing a bit, and eating ice cream. My roommate Marian likes to refer to it as my sabbatical. I'm ok with that. I have plans to do a lot more studying and focusing on life as it is.

I received an email from Community Servings. I applied for their volunteer recruiter position on Tuesday before i really sat down and thought about it. I love CS and would love to be part of their organization. But i am having severe reservations about the possibility of making a commitment to an organization only to leave them for nursing. Nursing is what i want to do, i want to focus on that. So maybe that means what i was thinking. Temping and becoming an EMT? Or from friends, thinking about working at hospitals, and then try to get them to pay for nursing school. It seems to make more sense to do those things then to say to CS, yes, I'll be your employee, and fall in love all over again and only break my heart and yours when i leave.

Most importantly, i am scared that perhaps the reason i am jobless, is because i really do suck at my job. I never thought it possible. I always thought of myself as hardworking, and determined. I was dedicated and passionate. Yes, i am young, and not exactly the most professionally trained person, but doesn't that mean room for growth and molding? I ask questions, and that is not a bad attribute is it? The thing that hurts the most is how much this situation has shattered my foundation. It has taken what i believe to be true, that i am a good employee, a hard worker, that i am smart, and creative, and deserving, and it has crumpled all of that up and tossed them. I am not trying desperately to find each of these, and more, and smooth them out and display them for someone else. But can i do it? Do i want to do it?

I've been thinking that this is just what i needed though to shake me to the core and get me to figure out exactly what i want in life and to focus maybe a little bit more on me, which is certainly something i don't do very often. Why must life be so difficult? Can't we go back to the days when the worst thing that happened was that Sally didn't pick you to be on her dodge ball team??