It is what it is...

I have been using that phrase a lot. I thought it summed up my life. It is what it is. I have a crummy background. My family sucks. I am struggling to stay afloat. I am tired with myself and the life I am leading. I am frustrated by my recent stint with trying to get in to nursing school, finally being accepted and then not being able to find the money for it... and through it all, i kept saying, it is what it is...

And i never thought much about it. Until today. A friend who is going through a difficult situation said that she never liked that phrase. She felt like it always left out the emotional side of things. That people say it because its an easy thing to say and then they don't deal with much else...

Know what... she's right. I haven't really cried much about not being able to go to nursing school. I have been bummed about it, but haven't cried. But today, i have talked to a ton of people asking me when I am going. It crushes me to tell them over and over, I'm not.

So, now, I am crying. For everything that has gone wrong. For all the struggling. For all the fighting. I am tired, and I am sad. And, I have accepted today, that its ok for me to be sad. This was something really important to me, and now, I've lost it. I've lost my drive to be someone i dreamed of being. Maybe I'll find it again. Maybe I'll find a new dream.

But for now. I'm sad, but that's ok... because it is what it is.