After a very successful Celebration of Life Thanksgiving dinner here at the BLC (volunteers coordinated by moi), i headed out on Wednesday for New York. Ballston Spa to be exact. If you know me well enough, you know that i don't live in Ballston Spa. My dad doesn't live in Ballston Spa, so what the hell was i doing there?
Well after much deliberation and thinking and manpower (to get a car), i decided to go to NY to spend the holiday's. I was hoping to spend it with B-Lynn or C-Lynn, but other plans were in store. I was able to spend the past few days with Patterson, reconnecting. And let me just tell you that it was wonderful. We talked about a lot of stuff, reconnected with people, made new friends, and it made me very happy. I was able to also see folks that i haven't seen in awhile like Beloved. I ran in to B-lynn with siblings and Mark (from St. A's) at Crossgates while Patterson and I were shopping. So over all wonderful holiday weekend.
There were a few things that got me down. I talked to a lot of folks this weekend about why I was staying with Patterson verses my family. When you talk about a hard situation over and over, no matter how numb you are too it, it still affects you.
By the end I had a nightmare about it. I'm talking heavy breathing, thrashing around nightmare. All i really remember about it was people who i know like my parents, friends parents, friends and people from churches i have gone too all yelling at me, and picketing me (like Matthew Shepherd in Laramie Project). Saying awful things about me and i just couldn't get through. I couldn't tell them that i wasn't bad. I couldn't convince them of my reconciliation of mistakes and decisions i've made. I woke up all sweaty and disoriented. No good.
Along that line a conversation with Patterson made me take a hard look at myself and realize that decisions i have made in the past few years were serious errors in judgment. I was pretty good at pretending it didn't matter but... it does.
In high school and the beginning of college, i was very big on the idea of abstinence. I was one of those girls who dreamed about her first kiss with her husband was on the altar. Not all of my actions however followed that, i think partly because i never really believed most of the guys i dated would ever be someone i could marry (also not so good).
In January of my freshman year, i was dating P-1. He was not a strong Christian, if even a Christian at all. He was raised in a Christian home, and had some set of morals, but barely came to church even though his family was very involved. He was some what pushy when it came to being physical. It caused a rift in our relationship because I wasn't so comfortable with being at the level he wanted to be at. One night we pushed our relationship to the edge. I somewhat pride myself from stopping actual intercourse, but, still am angry at how far we went.
We broke up shortly after that and from that point on; i was very much against a physical relationship. Now don't get me wrong. With those 5 love languages things, i am 100% physical touch. I love hugs, and cuddles. Scratches on the head make me crazy and back massages make me weak. But past that, i was skiddish.
I met Patterson during this period and we were coming from the same place, so i felt always very comfortable with him. After Patterson and I lost touch, i met P-2. I was on alternative spring break reading Passion and Purity. P-2 thought that was funny and said that deep down in side, there was a feign waiting to come out. A while later P-2 brought that out and we continued this casual relationship up into July. I could almost guarantee we would continue, but, we just haven't been available at the same time.
Patterson and I are talking about this late one night and he said, "i don't judge you, you know" and i said, "that's ok, i judge myself enough". Patterson then said “you must have loved him a lot". That is when i felt the entire world crash on me. I had always felt some what guilty about the decisions i had made, but put them off for the fact that what i was doing was so fun and enjoyable. I never put them in terms of being an actual thing wrong. But as soon as Patterson said that, I realized for the first time how really selfish and unholy my choices have been. Never once have I wanted to date P-2. He was just someone to be with. And I feel awful for that fact. I feel terrible for doing it and thinking that it was fine.
I am not really sure why I wrote about this. I think because I am searching for help. Searching for someone to say, it’s ok. Forgive yourself and move on. Don’t do it again. But, instead of just hearing that as I have over and over, I want to believe that it’s ok. I want to believe that I haven’t destroyed future relationships. I want to never compare my husband to P-2. And these things I never thought of because I was so selfish. I do appreciate the accountability that Patterson brought out though. I feel like everyone else has been perhaps disappointed but never come out and said, what you’re doing is going to hurt yourself and your future and you need to stop, now.
I guess this is where I’m at. I have a lot of thinking to do after this week. I encourage your prayers for me because I need to sort my head from my heart. Love you all.
