the retreat...

It is the Monday after a retreat. Usually, i'm in a wonderful mood. I feel spiritually refreshed and renewed and am totally wanting to begin my life over in a new light. For some reason, i am not, at all. If anything, i am a bit darker then before i left. I am a bit more depressed and a bit more frustrated. But who knows for what reason...

Friday night around 6:30pm, Nanny and MIT guy and i met up and headed up to NH to Camp Brookwoods. We made it there around 9:15 or so, arriving about the same time as Marian, which was funny because she was concerned by us leaving so late. It took her car about 5 hours to get there. We arrived, unpacked and joined everyone in the lodge for worship and dramatic poetry readings by the Lux Drama team (Marian and my favorite thing - NOT). Then everyone went downstairs to hang out and play games. After i lost miserably in fussball, i went to bed.

Let's just talk about how amazing my bed was for a moment. I had a wonderful sleeping bag (its mummy and its warm). I put my comforter and my fleece blanket inside the sleeping bag and made a nice little cocoon and it was really lovely. I did not want to get out of it either morning.

Anyways. Saturday morning was started with great breakfast, followed up by personal time, which i don't do so well with, so i hung out in Marians room. Then we headed to Large Group for some more worship then we broke up in to our small groups. There are 23 people in our small group and 2 of us were actually at the retreat (there were more people there from our group, but they were with their other small groups). Nanny and i had a decent time. We weren't very pleased by our track which i believe is what really fouled the weekend for me. The questions about Esther and Mordecai, although interesting, left something for us to desire. We did talk about our group and how to foster hospitality and community and reinvent the motivation the group had in the beginning. At 12:30 we had lunch and then did a game called "the machine game". The point is for a group of people to act as a machine, putting all pieces together to be as one (the whole is greater then the sum of its parts, etc). My group wasn't too into it. We did a vending machine and i was Suzy Q's (hostess cupcakes). It was a clever skit and we actually went on to the next round. After that, a group of us went tubing (with a tube, i am not sure the correct spelling). It was SO much fun. Really. One of the greatest times i've had in a while. We felt like we were kids again. I then went for a walk with Marian and came inside to eat peanut butter m&ms by the fire. Nice. Dinner was next, and was quite tasty, and then was the last small group of the day. Nanny and i joined back up to discuss more and get even more frustrated with the study. By this point, i felt like a kid and was totally not in to the retreat at all. I had no more desire to be there and honestly, would've been content to have left then. But i stayed and Nanny and i hashed out more group things and personal things. Then we had large group meeting, where the Vending Machine won the entire competition! It was crazy and we were all laughing and quite proud of ourselves. That was nice. A few of us did some more tubing, at night no less and then came inside and played a few more games and headed to bed.

Sunday, i was tired and cranky (sorry!). I felt like i had wasted a weekend. I wasn't in to the retreat, i wasn't in to the tracks. I felt as though there was no reason for 2 people to try to solve the issues of the large group. It is something we should all be doing! We left around 1:30 and got back to my apartment around 3:50.

Then the adventures really began. I texted Marian to find out when she'd be home. I was thinking about ordering dinner and figured i'd find out what she would like. She texted back : we're 11 miles away. I started to unpack and clean a little bit, when Marian called back to ask if i could rent a zip car because her ride's exhaust pipe fell and was dragging and they were waiting for AAA and there were people that needed to be driven home. The hippie saved the day with a zip car, delivering people home and then taking the very stressed driver and Marian out for dinner. Of course, the driver paid because she felt she had too. Silly girl. Finally, we made it back to the house where i cleaned, mainly unpacked and prepared for today.

I've been to the gym and now i'm at work and its snowing. Supposedly only a inch is supposed to fall, but i don't believe only an inch. It totally looks like more. Who knows. I am hoping to leave here around 6 so i can do homework for the rest of the night because of course i forgot my biology book at home this weekend. Sigh. Such is the life of a showering hippie.

just a what?

Doctor says, its just a headache. Not a migraine. Not a tumor. Nothing. Just a headache.

PS. I still have this plain ol' headache. Its been 5 days. WONDERFUL.

Health Update

Just a quick heads up as well as a request for prayers. I've been having serious, debilitating headaches now for a few weeks, and i have had one for the past 3 days. The doctor feels it is serious enough that i have an "emergency" appointment at 3. I have no clue what they'll be doing or what it could be.

It sucks because the retreat is this weekend, and i'd really like to still go, but that may not happen. I also don't understand why i am always sick, getting strange things, or feeling off. I am angry about it, which isn't so great since i work in an HIV/AIDS organization dealing with sick people all day.

Anyways. Pray for healing, knowledge for the doctors, and whatever else you may think i need.

my CVS expirience

I have been having serious stomach issues. Feeling really ill and not having much of an appetite. Today, i went in to work to get files on my laptop so i could do work in the comfort or my own home, just in case.

On my way back to Porter, I first ran in to my close friend Crimson who is sadly, severely stricken with the flu. I asked if she wanted anything from CVS and she showed me her own bag of sickly goodies including cough syrup, tissues and other wonderful feel good medications. I said my good-byes and headed in to CVS.

After locating the ginerale and the saltines, i headed to the register where i was greeted by a larger woman who had pigtails (sticking out from the sides of her head, not in like a classy way). She first asked me to hold on for a moment so she could hear the latest gossip from the women at the next register.

Then she scanned the gingerale and crackers and said, "oh, are you pregnant? How wonderful." Yes, wonderful i thought. 6 months on weight watchers and people still think i'm pregnant. GREAT. I responded "no, i'm just not feeling well."

As soon as i said that, the woman put as much anti-bacterial soap on her hand as would possibly soak in to her skin and then wouldn't touch my credit card. I grabbed my stuff and ran out.

Oh yeah. Great day.

By the way, just finished the Wal*Mart movie. It is amazing. You should watch it and learn how the "great American store" is destroying our great America.

tell me....

is this an inappropriate inter-office email?

Just a quick update on ASB Groups. The from FSU had to change plans because they didn’t raise enough to travel to Boston. Cornell has not gotten back to me with dates and neither has Northwestern. I am trying to get in touch with them. But we know how college students are ;).

Whoo-hoo

First, i want to say thank you to all my friends who have been so amazing to me. I appreciate you all coming out for my birthday and getting me wonderful things. You are all amazing. I truly do have the greatest friends. I had people i never though would come to the party come, and had friends drive from NY to be here. Its nights like Saturday that really make me realize what's around me.

Its also nights like Saturday, and this past week, and this upcoming week, that make me also feel a little behind in life. Today, i am studying. Now, i think in the first place i am going to drop my stats class. I am not sure I can do this independent study thing where i don't understand things, and the dvds don't work and i don't have a professor to talk to. I think it will be better to just take it at another time. We're behind in biology but that's because the professor decided to take things slow, and then we had a huge snow storm. I am worried we'll still have the test on Wednesday, and seriously, i don't know the information. I realize that really i just want to be in school full time. I want to get working on this new degree and start being a nurse. Not that i don't love work now, i do. I just feel like its not where i should be. (this whole thing could be because i am currently watching my beloved Path Adams which always stirs up my heart.) Saturday night also was tough because of the amount of people with significant others or with those around them that they love all the time. As I said, i do have wonderful friends, but sometimes there is just something missing, you know? Like when your best friends live really far away, or when you don't have a significant other to come home to or when who you come home to now has a significant other. All wonderful things that just take a toll on the brain and heart.

I am concerned for myself that i feel like some of my stressors could be cured by someone else. I have experienced in the past that i give way too much of myself and don't get it in return. I get disappointed when my friends don't do for me what i'd do for them. Somehow i am started to realize that i am important too and that i don't need to give all of me first. Its ok to take it a little slow. The same goes for relationships (the non-platonic type). I give too much. I am willing to go all out and always get heart broken because i barely get anything in return.

There is this new boy. I have decided to not really become close friends with him because i do like him and i am not ready to deal with crap again. We spend sometime together and see each other and perhaps send messages, but, i am not walking the "friend-line" again. I am protecting myself this time.

Gosh, i just keep jumping from subject to subject, and there is no link between anything. Too bad for you reading this because i am going to keep going.

I have lost 22 pounds. Which is wonderful. The interesting thing is that when i look at pictures of me now, i still am disgusted as to what i look like. Its strange because i was never so disgusted 22 pounds heavier. I feel like i have so much to do, so much to change until i am comfortable with myself. I also find it interesting that at 22lbs lighter that some of my clothes finally fit, but i have been wearing them all along. Where have my friends been to tell to me to stop wearing things that look bad. In the future, will you tell me when things look bad?

Alright, i am done whining for now. Off to read more biology and watch the rest of Patch Adams.

can i return a gift?

Someone gave me a birthday present, i don't really want.

Its a stomach bug.

Can i return it?

BOO.

other then that, it was a wonderful birthday. thank you everyone!

BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY

So i heart today!

Ali got me my fish tank and a fish! and Marian got me a wonderful pack of Burt's Beeswax goodness :) My fish is named phineus which apparently means mouth of brass, but when i first looked i thought it said mouth of bass and thought, that's appropriate ;)




More updates later :)

t minus 11 hours....

1 day until the birthday.

gift list update, weekend update, life in general.

Gift list Update - only 3 shopping days left!

1. A new body pillow.
2. 8 candle votives (i get wax every where).
3. a winter jacked (ski/snowboardesque). Despite my denying my need for it... i need it...

Weekend Update...

I worked on Saturday, blah. Then went to Bunker Hill to do work. I am not sure this self-directed study works for me. Boo. Marian and i cuddled Saturday night, watching Love Actually where i promptly fell asleep after Hugh Grant and his adorable assistant kissed. Sunday, i cleaned and got a new bookshelf (my other one was falling apart, how sad!). I also did some homework.

Life Update...

The Suffolk Ramifications album, Voices in the Attic, won a Grammy from WERS yesterday. I am proud to say that I am part of that. Yes, i know, i haven't been a Ram for 2 years, however my voice is on the recording. So go us and me :)

I am having trouble with this being single thing, but of course we all knew that. My friend Calvin got engaged this weekend, and seriously i couldn't be happier. But it's things like that, that make me wish even more that i wasn't going at this alone. C-Lynn and I talked about how hard it is to see all our other friends with each other because they've known each other for years, and C-lynn and i are states apart (as well as most of our other close friends). I miss that closeness of having someone you've known for forever... I miss lots of things. It makes me homesick sometimes.

Other then that just doing work, school and church, and totally don't have a life outside of it. It's quite wonderful.

I don't think it's fair!

So, i was walking through the common about 20 minutes ago. I was at the State House lobbying for 5 million more dollars to be added for HIV/AIDS. Anyways. As i was walking towards Park Street Station, there were these guys handing out things.

Once i got closer, i noticed 2 things. 1 - the guys were from greenpeace and 2 - the guys were HOTT. I mean seriously.

I have decided its not fair to entice little hippie girls with little hippie boys when the girl is on her way to work. Put an ugly man there so she doesn't feel guilty for saying no i don't want to pick up that pamphlet, i want you to pick me up.

When are you getting Married? When will you have kids?!

I don't know ok? Is that really ok? Is it alright to have a 23 year-old single? Apparently not in the state of Washington.

As much as i loved my trip to seattle, i was taken aback by the amount of Trace's friends who were married with children at such a young age, pretty much all under 30. The number one question from anyone there was when will it be your turn.

I've had a rough week. My heart controls me and my heart was presumptuous and has been slightly broken, again. But that's ok. I was a little bit more prepared for that to occur, but one can never really be ready for complete and utter heart break.

I am depressed. I was confessing all this to Marian last night. While i was on the plane, i had a minor break down about not wanting to come back to Boston, not wanting to be in NY, not wanting to be in NOLA or Colorado or Africa. I started crying when i saw the snow covered Mountains. I am a mess. I had a minor breakdown in Seattle over not being married and not having kids and thinking that someone's husband was adorable, and SO HIGHLY inappropriate. I feel lonely, and sad and bitter and jaded. I am frustrated by friends and lovers and feel hopeless. And yet, am in a somewhat decent mood when i get up in the morning, still have the ability to smile and laugh, but have the remarkable ability to cry at the drop of a hat. Just now for instance, i got an email from a guy at work, and now i'm crying. WHAT THE HELL.

Anyway. I'm not getting married anytime soon. No baby making in the future (or any activity that may fall under baby making) in the future. No dates, no valentine... Nope. Just me. Lonely. me.

PS - my birthday is in 8 days.

in Seattle... but not really

So, i arrived to Seattle safely. Trace doesn't live in Seattle, she lives 50 minutes away! So Marian, we'll have to come out and look at Seattle another time! For those of you who did not know, i am here in Seattle for my friend's baby's christening where i am the Godmother!!! Yay!

I didn't really think too much about coming here, until i was on the second leg of my journey and was tired. The flights were pleasant. I made friends, of course, with the woman next to me on the flight from Philly to Seattle. She was traveling home to Montana from a 2 month stay in Amsterdam and was Native America. Such an amazing woman that you could just feel the spirit in her. It was great to sit and talk to her and she had very wise things to say about some issues currently in my life. She said from the moment i sat down, she felt turmoil in my heart and i know that sounds cheesey, and maybe because it is so true, i was drawn to her. I told her I'd rather not talk about it, and she graciously said that was ok, just realize the heart mends, and I'll be ok, if i let myself be ok.

I started thinking a lot about whether or rather how i'll let my heart be ok. Right now, i feel like the weight of the world is on it, and i just wanna pop something out of it. I wanna forget about it, pretend as if it never happen, i never ever encountered love before. But we all know that is not true and we all know that I have strong memories, so this who "heart reconstruction" is going to take a long time and a lot of prayer and a lot of work.

Anyways. I met my Godson. He is tiny and beautiful. Friends of Trace are staying here, also all young with a kid. It doesn't help me, especially when questions are raised about when will i find a nice guy, when will i be starting a family and on and on. Its hard to deal with those normally, but especially right out of this crap i am going through.

The baptism is today, and the superbowl tomorrow and whatever else. I am going to try to get to the gym at least one day so i can run off anger and fat. And that's all for now. Off to scrounge around for food.