We're doing our part by going all natural mold. We'll be the ones to come up with a cure for HIV/AIDS. How about you? What are you doing?
I want to thank MZ for her contribution to science and research. We applaud you for your efforts.
Those of you who know me, know I work for the Boston Living Center. It is an HIV/AIDS orgnization that supports those infected and affected with HIV/AIDS. We have recently been made aware of a very serious issue. The Ryan White Comprehensive AIDS Resources Emergency (CARE) Act is Federal legislation that addresses the unmet health needs of persons living with HIV disease (PLWH) by funding primary health care and support services. The CARE Act was named after Ryan White, an Indiana teenager whose courageous struggle with HIV/AIDS and against AIDS-related discrimination helped educate the nation.
The Act is in danger of not being reauthorized. PLEASE, go to this link and send a message to your local law maker. Then send it to friends. We need this ACT to keep HIV/AIDS service organizations going.
PLEASE HELP!
http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/campaign/ryanwhite/win6nww245biekx?
I have a small favor to ask all of you. I have decided to make some major changes in my life and I am asking you all to support me through it. I know a lot of things are going to be hard and I am already nervous. Please just be there for me. Be prepared to listen to me whine and comfort me when I stumble. Please be ready with cheesy "you can do its" and "way to gos".
Thank you. I appreciate it.
2 years ago (just about to the day) I had my first one. I was getting ready to go to the Ramification's performance at the Museum of Fine Arts. Keri and I were getting ready at my apartment. We were to wear all black with "bling", which meant a splash of color. I had in my head the whole outfit. I put it on and the blacks didn't match. Not a big deal, I have plenty of black shirts, I can get another one. So I put on another one, again, no blacks matched. I started to breathe very heavily, and then I started to cry. I just sobbed and poor Keri had no clue what to do. I didn't think it would be possible for me to go outside looking as I did. In shambles, clothes not matching, my face a wreck and worst of all, how I looked from head to toe - gross. It took a long time to get calm enough that we could go on and sing, but some how I got through it and thought, ok... well that was strange.
Then they started happening more often. I started freaking out when I looked in the mirror, when I saw a spider, when I thought of my family, all of these stressors triggered some type of attack. It got so severe that I started seeing someone at Suffolk. He said they were panic attacks and we would try to get to the route of the problem, in the mean time taught me some simple ways to control myself when it happens.
It has been 2 years and since then I have probably had about 5 panic attacks, most of them I have been able to control. Every so often I'll have a bad one, like February this year when my dad turned my cell phone off and decided to be an ass (more than usual) to me. I crawled in to the corner of the bathroom and just sobbed and tried so hard to breathe. Thankfully the Wentworth boy took pity on me and took me home and made me rest. But I have really gotten a handle on the situation... that is until tonight.
I was trying on clothes to wear tomorrow because it is Suffolk's centennial celebration and I wanted to look presentable. After all Former President Bush will be there, and I feel as though it is a classy steve madden shoe day verses the good ol' old navy flip-flops. I was wearing my favorite black pants, a white shirt with a grey sweater. It looked presentable I guess, but all of a sudden it became too tight. I expanded past the point of recognition and all I could do was to try to rip it off me. When I got to my room (from the mirror I was looking in ) and changed, I started to cry, sob, shake with fear, and then came the breathing, or lack there of. The air was out of my room and all I could feel was something closing in on me. I am not completely sure what triggered it, but I do know that I am not wanting to go see Bush tomorrow, or wear anything fancy (not like I really own anything presentable, that also creates a bit of an issue for me. I have a lot more growing up to do than I thought.)
I am scared. I'm not going to lie. Things have been worrying me. My dad got married on Saturday. I haven't spoken to some of my best friends in a while because of schedules. I am worried about how to be friends with people. I am worried about work and if I can be an effective volunteer coordinator. I am overly self conscious and am worried about how to overcome that. My brain has become a sess pool of concern.
I was so proud of myself at 10 am this morning. I had over 10 volunteers coming in. Most of which were earning hours for either community service or a service-learning class. Meaning, they had to be here.
At 10:30, when volunteers show up. I had 3 and one wasn't even working in the kitchen.
Now, at 11, I have 3, still with the one not working in the kitchen, and I need 12. I feel rejected by the world. Why would you say you'd do something and then not come. Is it me? Is it them? What is it?
Its very sad too because I was really in a good mood. boo.
Update: 11:43 am. 4 volunteers. But let's add insult to injury. I was then talked sharply too because I assigned the volunteer not working in the kitchen to someone who has been asking for help since I started here in July. I am trying you know? I am doing my best to serve everyone. I don't have enough volunteers to give to everyone and am trying to decipher who goes where first. I'm sorry if I put someone in the "wrong place.
As volunteer coordinator and networker extrordinare, i have had the opportunity to work with my Alma Mater, Suffolk University. Because of my work with AmeriCorps and Suffolk i have been able to form an amazing partnership which i relish in.
I was able to attend their community partners breakfast in the begining of August (which when i was a dear Suffolk girl, helped coordinate). I was able to speak up and say this is my job, please send volunteers. During that breakfast i was able to speak to Dean Stoll. She seemed pleasently surprised to see me and yet quite confused. She said she thought i had already graduated and I explained that i had 2 years ago. I spent last year doing MACC VISTA, and am now the volunteer coordinator at the BLC. She was quite please to hear of my work and very excited to have me as an alumn of Suffolk. It made both Dean Stoll and myself feel good about what we had done in the past and where we stood now.
Today was even more exciting for me. I met with a communication professor about a freshman seminar/service learning that they are holding. It is called Media Literacy.
This course explores the cultural and social functions of the media with an emphasis on learning how to critically evaluate media content. Students will examine a diversity of media texts from reality television and action films to pop music and video games. As a final project, the class will produce and edit a short documentary-style video which investigates a contemporary social issue.The social issue of choice, HIV/AIDS in the Media. Hence, Suzi to the rescue. I have spent some time thinking about this class and how both Suffolk and the BLC could benefit. We had a wonderful meeting and I plan to smatter the school with wonderful condoms. Oh i am so excited!
So i finished watching Friends this weekend. It was quite an emotional expirience, I won't lie. I guess because I could relate to these characters (more than i could with Sex and the City). In Friends, they were a group of normal people - verses SATC (I'm sorry, it is just not 100% relatable to a 23 year old volunteer coordinator!). I felt attached to the characters, so i am sad to see them go. Sure i can catch a rerun, but seriously, i watched it from episode 1 till the end. I love those folks! I am also a hopeless romantic for nerds, and I love Ross. Sigh. I am a loser.
Anyway. Friday for some reason everyone i know was having a rough day. Bonus for me, the Living Center was closed because we had an all staff trip to the Museum of Science. It was really fun. We then went to the Cambridge Side Galleria. We had some good fun just shopping around. We did go in to Brookstone where there is a delightful little machine designed to work your abs. However, it is very, how shall i say, scandalous. The OSIM® iGallop™ is the revolutionary exerciser that can help you shape and tone your tummy, hips, seat and thighs. The secret is in its zero-impact, tri-axial riding action. Your body automatically responds to its multidirectional movement, and this balancing engages certain muscle groups and may help improve coordination and posture. Its something that you ride like a horse (and that is the motion too). Its entertaining to say the least. Back to the point. So on my way back from the MOS and the CSG, i called my dear Marian and asked her if she wanted dinner and what did she want. Marian requested mac and cheese (my personal favorite). I headed in to the supermarket, right towards the Kraft. But then something stopped me. I said, I can make this myself. And guess what?
I DID! I made mac and cheese by myself. I am not going to lie, it wasn't the best thing. It was too salty. But was edible and liked by all. So go me.
Saturday we were supposed to go to the fair, but most of us were sickly, so it has been postponed. So i finished Friends. Marian and I ran a few errands on Saturday evening and then spent the night in. It was good to do nothing because i still have been feeling a little sick.
Sunday was spent in the good ol' Apple Orchard. Of course it was not my apple orchard. My Apple Orchard is Wilken's Fruit and Fir Farm in Yorktown Heights, NY. Ok, so its not really mine, but i worked hard there and loved every minute, even when i was taken over by poision ivy. We went to Honey Pot Hill Orchard which is a good orchard. We picked Gala and Cortlands and got ourselves some wonderful Cider Doughnuts. As we were in the country store, i saw some eggplants and decided to have eggplant parmigan for dinner. Thats right folks, for another night I made a real dinner! I cooked, I fried, i boiled. And it was decent. Again, things could've been done better, but it was good!
I fear that i may take after one of my cooking teachers. I have noticed in these 2 eventful moments, that if i taste the food and don't like it 100%, i don't want anyone else to eat it. I used to tell the Wentworth Boy he was silly when he did things like that, but i am starting to see where he is coming from (look how much you've taught me!!).
Today is a new day at work, full of wonderful frustration and left over eggplant parmigan! Yay!
So i am sick. Again. I really hate being sick. sneezing and coughing and blah blah blah. Its so hard being out of work and just sleeping. Seriously, its hard to do nothing. I need more friends to be sick when i am sick so i can play with them.
Make is all go away. Also, bring me soup. Please and thank you.
disclaimer to the Wentworth boy. This is about you.
I was having a chat the other night with one of my close friends. We were just updating each other on our lives and we talked a bit about relationships. Over my life I have had many different types of relationships from friendships to dating or post-dating. I have a way of making friends quickly and I always have a heart that falls fast. However, I've been hurt so many times that it takes a lot for me to share that I have fallen for someone. By the time I say something it's usually too late and we've crossed in to no-dating land, the "can't-go-back" friendship level.
Partially I understand this no-mans land, and yet, I still find myself wondering how one can feel for another and put those feelings all away, some how. Even my ex's still have a small place in my heart (well atleast most of them, some of them don't even deserve a place in hell).
Anyways. I was talking to my friend and he recommended the same thing that everyone has recommended, "you just need to stay away. no contact, nothing." My initial response was "I did that for over 2 months and it didn't work. And I can't hurt him more by saying we're done forever, because I can't be done forever, I care way tooo much. god i suck." He responded: "NO, you don't suck, you can't suck for being a good person at heart, that's not fair to you" Then me: "he's been dealing with me saying we can't be friends, we can, we can't. And its not fair to him or me."
I am stuck. My heart is stuck. I don't know how to be friends with him. I don't know how to set aside these insane feelings that I have had for a long time to just be platonic friends with him. How do I tell myself that to move on and put him just as a friend. How can I move past like everyone else has moved past? How do I say that I need to take care of me first and then worry about them (or him)? Why is this a constant thing in my mind, that I can't get it out because it starting to consume thoughts? I've been running to try to clear my mind. I'm a fat kid, I don't run people. I feel so guilty for trying to put myself first, for saying I need to take care of me and I'm sorry that you miss me and wish that this wasn't happening. I feel guilty that after a year of knowing this person, I still feel almost the same as I did when I met him even though he's moved on, a loooong time ago. I still get stupid butterflies, I still blush and yet in the back of my mind know that it doesn't matter, its all one sided. I just don't know how to make it no sided. I don't know how to look at this person, who i value sooo much, i respect and trust - which is so rare (not for the person, but for me) means so much. I wish i could just put this all in the past and just be. Just be able to call them and say this was my day and not have in the back of my head stupid things. I just wish i could change it all. How do i change it all? How do i move on? Help, i beg of you.
wishlist: head or heart transplant.
1. I was reading Glamour and the title of the "article" is The Love and Sex Top 10.
The subject of interest: Top 10 way couples meet.
1% by chance, like on the street
1% their neighbors
1% at the gym
1% through a dating service
2% at church
3% on the internet
6% other ways: they grew up together, etc...
13% At a nightclub, bar, cafe or party
34% through family and friends
38% at work or school
With this break down, the only logical explanation of why I am single comes down to this. Its everyone else's fault, duh. 34% find their love from friends and family -now people, lets get on this one!
Ok, maybe I failed in the "meet at work" department due to the gayness factor, but whatever. Also, the work thing didn't work to well last year, so I'd rather not risk work and my heart again (I'm still in recovery).
This Sunday at church (one of the options) we had meet your neighbor Sunday (another option) - which is a total of 3% mind you. After service we went to meet our neighbors. Let's just say Marian and I are moving.
All in all, I have definitely put myself out there. Just so we get this all on the table.
2. My group's acappella cd came out. Check out the Suffolk Ramifications at
to grab a copy :) There is still a slight delay due to waiting for a license. We supposedly have it, but not actually. On Friday, we had a preliminary release party on Friday night to hear it as a group. The 2004-2006 Ramifications came together at SU, and heard the finished product. It was really cool because friends who I haven't seen in a long time were there as well as the producer of the cd. It was just so nice. Oh and ps. I sound AMAZING. Buy the cd to hear it. Voices in the Attic. That's where its at :) So get yourself in gear and go to www.suffolkrams.com or go to Suffolk University's Performing Arts Office at (617) 305-6307 or e-mail them at performingarts@suffolk.edu.
3. Sunday, a group of us from the BLC went on a really nice and long bike ride. The bike I was using was a lovely hand-me down. I've never had hand me down, due to the only child syndrome I suffer from. So, I got up on Sunday morning, put on my yoga pants and my new running sh
irt (from my gap outlet spree) and hair up in pigtails. I borrowed my roommate's helmet, a lovely pink with cute bumble bees on it. The bike was in more need of some repair than i thought. The chain and gears were slightly rusty, the bike seat is very uncomfortable and it doesn't shift very well into the next gear. Ok, so it didn't shift in to the next year. But everyone should be very proud of me. I biked up some really big hills without stopping. I was so proud of me - so you should too! We biked all over, Somerville, Cambridge, and then in to Boston. We're preparing for the Hub on Wheels ride on October 1st. The team is going to do a 30 mile ride. I'm excited. Hopefully I can fix some of my bike, or borrow someone else's before the ride cause i don't think my tusch can take much more. We'll see what happens!
4. I'm up to season 8 in Friends.
5. Daniel Harrel - the associate pastor at Park Street- showed that he was prepared to officiate at Monica Geller and Chandler Bing's wedding. If you watch "the one with the truth about london" (season 7, disk 3, episode 4 on the disk) Joey talks about having and sharing and giving and receiving. Daniel on Sunday used almost the exact same words. It was funny to Marian and I. hahaha.
6. I went for a quick run today. I needed to get some things out of my head. I had hoped the run might help clear my head, but really it made it much cloudier. It seems that the running actually juggled the ideas and made it much more complicated for me. I've been working on my heart and what it's feeling. I ask you, if you do pray, pray for my heart. Pray for clarity and understanding. Pray for strength for me to do what's right and how to handle things. I want to be able to do both what my head and heart say, but they are very different things. Sigh.
So my roommate Marian and I often walk on the Bike Path on our way to work. We pass cute dogs, running women, men on bikes carrying flowers and coffee and whatever other else. It is a fun walk because it gives you time to chat as well as take in the surroundings which include a doughnut shop and a community garden. Quite lovely and never much disturbance.
This morning however, Marian and I ran in to a dilemma. A young professional
woman was bending over, tying her shoe. Her skirt was a cute black skirt, about knee length, and see through. I thought perhaps it was because the fabric was stretched while she was bending over. Then she stood up and started to walk and the skirt was still quite see through.
So what is someone to do? Do you stop the person and say, "I’m sorry to say, but I was looking at your behind and I can see straight through to your skivvies?" Cause that doesn't make me look disgusting. Then do you run after them and tell them? Really what are you supposed to do?
Also, I think who ever is in the Boston area should be volunteering at least once a month at the Boston Living Center 10 - 2:30, it’s a great time and you get a free meal out of it. We're in a severe volunteer crunch due to the fact that I might suck at my job. (I don't actually think I suck, but I am not doing as well as I thought I could do... I’m working on it.)
We'll do a reflection exercise:
plus:
~ great job with great, amazing, dedicated people
~ wonderful new apartment with wonderful new roommates who sincerely care about my well being.
~fantastic friends who won't just throw me away like yesterday’s newspaper.
~my hair looks really great for some reason.
~my job pays real money which means aside for paying for the necessary things, I can also go out and play with friends in DC and Steubie.
~my bible study is looking to provide (through a binder) more resources to people which excites me because I feel that we need to be more active with our resources. Sure telling someone about God and Jesus and Sin is great, but getting them a warm place to sleep and a good shower is better, at least to me.
delta:
~ my office is slightly obsessed with my eternal singleness.
~ my credit card number was stolen.
~ a big volunteer group just cancelled on us until November (bummer!!).
~ I am bitter and jaded about boys.
~ I can't think of more things, but I know there are more.
So i just had over a 10 minute conversation with my boss about being single. We were talking about Facebook (she has a 21 year old daughter at Emerson). I was looking at baby pictures of some of my friends children. She had asked me how many of my friends had children and i said, oh only like 4 or 5 actually have children, the rest are either getting married or are engaged. She was shocked and said, how old are you, and i replied 23.
She then continued to say wow, is that in the future for you? And i said, well yes, down the road, in say like 5 years or longer, i have no significant other to be looking forward to a future with.
She then went on to say that she would have no clue as to where you could meet someone. Especially me due to the fact that the things i am interested in surround me with either gay men or christian men who may (probably) find me too liberal for their taste. Now that i am out of college, where would i even think about meeting a guy?
Lonely. It's where my mind sits now. Not with work (which i have a lot of), but with the fact that i don't know where i could meet men any more. Sure at Suffolk I could've met men. I mean, i met men, just never dated them really. And then last year, well last year was a relationship fiasco. So this year, is a semi-fresh slate (i say semi because i can't seem to comeplete erase some from my slate). And now, i have this fear that its all over. I'm done. And for god's sake, i am only 23. I'm not supposed to have this thought until a very long time from now. But this woman, with pure intentions, has now racked my brain and heart with fear of singleness forever.
I guess it is possible that i have been called to singledom. Sure, that's a fesible notion, but, i 100% disagree. I think i would make a very good wife and mother. Yet, track record proves otherwise.
I used to think, its not me though... its definately the guy. But millions of men later, its still me. What makes me good enough to be someones best friend. To be such a good person that they want me in their life forever, but not great enough for them to want me in their life as their wife forever, or not even for ever, their girlfriend for a year or two?
I just hope to not be alone. i hope to find someone to share life with. I want someone to support me through everything. I want someone to go to bed next to and someone to wake up next to. I want to share my joys and sorrows and in return do the same for them. Don't get me wrong. My roomates and friends are great. Its just not the same... there is something lacking.
This is what my evening includes, yay!
