i'm a wannabe hippie, disaster junkie, who showers. fairly often.

moved.

2010-01-25T12:24:00.003-05:00

I have moved. Both me physically and me blog wise. come find me.

http://relearninghappy.blogspot.com

2009-08-31T07:53:00.001-04:00

Suzi moves to DC in

4 years later....

2009-08-29T11:26:00.002-04:00

Do you know what it means to miss new orleans

And miss it each night and

day

I know Im not wrong... this feelings gettin stronger

The longer, I stay away

Miss them moss covered vines...the tall sugar pines

Where mockin birds used t

o sing

And Id like to see that lazy mississippi...hurryin into spring

The moonlight on the ba

you.......a creole tune.... that fills the air

I dream... about magnolias in bloom......and Im wishin I was there

Do you know what it means

to miss new orleans

When thats where you left your heart

And theres one thing more...i miss the one I care for

More than I miss new

orleans

The moonlight on the bayou.......a creole tune.... that fills the air

I dream... about magnolias in bloom......and Im wishin I wa

s there

Do you know what it means to miss new orleans
When thats where you left your heart

And theres one thing more...i miss the one I care for

More.....more than I miss.......new orleans

Update!

2009-08-23T10:59:00.003-04:00

I have found an apartment and awesome new roommate. I am very very excited about this!

Now on to the next few dilemmas.

1. Moving my stuff into the truck. Anyone around Monday, Sept 7th, that can give me a hand? I don't really feel like my stuff is that bad... but i could be lying for all i know.

2. the Actual move. Is anyone around Sept 8th that wants to take a trip down to DC? I am not totally sure how you would get home, but hey... you get to spend about 10 hours with me, that would be fun?

3. Can anyone find a good website that actually tells you how much tolls will cost??

Thanks everyone. I am excited to start this new venture, but sad to miss you all!!

I get by with a little help from my friends....

2009-08-20T15:03:00.002-04:00

Hello Friends...

I need some help, and this seems to be one of the best ways

I can reach a bunch of people at one time.

I was offered a position at Georgetown University Hospital to work in

the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit and I am very excited.

HOWEVER, that means leaving the most amazing apartment I have ever had...

So, i need some help!

Anyone know anyone who may have a place in the DC/Northern Virginia area

that wants lovable Suzi to be their roommate?

If you do, i beg of you to try and connect me!

This needs to happen sooner than later! By Sept 11th!!

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

Happy 4th of July (a little early!)

2009-07-02T21:11:00.001-04:00

yay!!!!!!!!

2009-05-29T11:30:00.001-04:00

Today is Day 1 of Dave Matthews Palooza!!! Let's just hope it stops raining!

It is what it is...

2009-05-20T22:14:00.003-04:00

I have been using that phrase a lot. I thought it summed up my life. It is what it is. I have a crummy background. My family sucks. I am struggling to stay afloat. I am tired with myself and the life I am leading. I am frustrated by my recent stint with trying to get in to nursing school, finally being accepted and then not being able to find the money for it... and through it all, i kept saying, it is what it is...

And i never thought much about it. Until today. A friend who is going through a difficult situation said that she never liked that phrase. She felt like it always left out the emotional side of things. That people say it because its an easy thing to say and then they don't deal with much else...

Know what... she's right. I haven't really cried much about not being able to go to nursing school. I have been bummed about it, but haven't cried. But today, i have talked to a ton of people asking me when I am going. It crushes me to tell them over and over, I'm not.

So, now, I am crying. For everything that has gone wrong. For all the struggling. For all the fighting. I am tired, and I am sad. And, I have accepted today, that its ok for me to be sad. This was something really important to me, and now, I've lost it. I've lost my drive to be someone i dreamed of being. Maybe I'll find it again. Maybe I'll find a new dream.

But for now. I'm sad, but that's ok... because it is what it is.

defeated...

2009-04-09T21:45:00.002-04:00

broken. done. numb. defeated.

that's how i feel right now. i am struggling with the idea that i am here verses some deep dark depths of hell, which may actually be where i am right now.

i've tried so hard to over come obstacles. look what i have accomplished without anyone. and i used to be so proud of that. but now i am so mad. i am so mad that i had to make choices that have put me in the dilemma i am in now. i am so frustrated that when i finally realize my calling, where I belong, i can't do it because i didn't want to be treated by him that way. i didn't want to live with him, or be his daughter because i hated him. i wanted to be on my own to prove i could do it, and now, i face the harsh reality.... i can't.

finally, after years, i have made it into nursing school. after all the rejection letters, one acceptance letter meant more to me then anything. but what's the use when i can't go. i can't afford it.

my financial aid package came today. i apparently earn too much money, so i only got 12000. now, i recognize that i should be happy with getting anything. but its not even close to being enough, not even close. so, i applied for a loan. and was denied. not just denied i need a cosigner denied. i was told tonight that there would be no way that any company or bank would sign a loan over to me even with a cosigner. my credit is so low and the report is so bad that nothing will get me out.

the sad part. i paid off a huge chunk of debt in 2007. huge. i dropped that debt by 75%. but that doesn't matter because there is still more. and i can't get rid of it. i'm trying here. and now i'm drowning in despair and debt.

i am spiraling out of emotional control. i know this post is ridiculous, but this post is an outlet, a place where i can try and regain some of the control of my life that i truly feel i've lost.

and now, i am just so sad. about everything. i am so angry, and so word less.

warning: way over dramatic

2009-03-26T18:56:00.003-04:00

I want to be a nurse. That's all there is. I want it. Desperately. Passionately. Obsessively want to be a nurse. I want to take care of people. I want the little RN next to my name. For the past 3 years, I have taken pre-requisites. I have learned my bones, muscles, viruses and bacterias. I have taken the GRE's multiple times, spent multiple sums of money on GRE study material.

I have sent out applications to numerous schools numerous times, only to get numerous rejection letters. Three years worth of wait lists and rejection letters. THREE YEARS!

Until Tuesday.

I was accepted in to Massachusetts General Hospital's
Institute of Health Professions' accelerated bachelor of science in Nursing.

FINALLY.

So, what's the issue? How the hell do I pay for it? No idea. Not one. Ok, that's not true. I need money, I need loans. And I can't get them. Remember, I am stupid. I have poor credit thanks to my undergraduate years, and stupidity. And remember, I don't have family there to support me. I don't have a daddy to come run over and sign my loan. I am on my own.

I guess it's my bed, and I need to lie in it. But man, it sucks. A lot. I don't like this bed, and I have no frickin' clue on how to get out of it. NO IDEA. I claim to be Miss Independent, and in reality, I so desperately depend on other people, it's not even funny. At all.

Help is what I need.
I need money. I need confidence. I need a co-signer for a loan.
I need to increase my credit score. I need to decrease my debt.
I need help.

Can you help me?

Please?

personal core values...

2009-02-09T13:18:00.003-05:00

Most of you know that I am attempting to get in to nursing school. I am sending applications to as many places as fiscally possible. Currently, I am reviewing the application for the Summer of 2010 for Johns Hopkins University. There are 4 essays that are required, and luckily for me, I have quite a few months to write these, edit them, rewrite them, trash them and start the process again. The questions are (clearly summarized) "why do you want to be a nurse", "address your reasons for applying to ... including your work and volunteer experience as related to future goals", "give example of utilizing critical thinking skills..." and finally, the one that stumps me the most:

Diversity is one of the core values of the Johns Hopkins University School of Nursing. Members of the School of Nursing community agree to "embrace our differences in experience, culture and other aspects as a way to enhance all our activities". One of the values in professional nursing practice is the "respect for the inherent worth, dignity, and human rights of all individuals". our patients may not share the same ethnicity, culture or set of values as you. Describe a scenario hat challenged your core values and explain how you responded.

I've got to say, this one stumped me. A lot. I asked Marian for some suggestions and then I realized, before I can answer this question, I need to answer another one.

What are my core values?

So now I ask you. What are your core values, and how did you come to realize what they were? Did you pick 20 words and then cut them down to 5 (that's something that i read on-line)? Did you just decide something was important to you? I appreciate your feedback! Thank you!

i've decided....

2009-02-02T16:11:00.002-05:00

that on my birthday. i am going to be selfish. i feel as though for the most part of my day, i am not selfish. yes there is the occasional, i am sitting in this seat and you are not types of things that occur, but, generally, i am not selfish.

for my birthday this year, i want. i yearn to be paid attention to. i want a small fuss to be made in my name. i want someone else to make me cupcakes or cookies. i want someone else to suggest that they take me out to dinner, dessert, coffee, to a movie, to the museum, or to something i want to do...

maybe, it's inappropriate to be so selfish, but, i don't think i care all that much. so on february 15th, try to be less self-centered, and pay attention to me!

i bet your friday night wasn't nearly as fun...

2009-01-11T09:53:00.002-05:00

I'll begin at the beginning, clearly a very good place to start says Maria from the Sound of Music. Wednesday and Thursday, I had a pounding headache affecting all aspects of me functioning like a human being. Thursday night, i took the migraine medicine I do have, and that stuff wipes you out. You HAVE to sleep. So I called out on Friday because there was NO way I could work 12 hours with this stuff in my system, plus the headache never quite went away.

Friday afternoon I was chatting with a friend at the Red Cross who mentioned she was going to a fire, and I was pretty jealous. (let's call her RedCrossGal) I mentioned, casually of course, that I was home, and could come and help. So I met up with them and we headed out. Surprisingly enough, moving about a bit, helped the headache slightly. Perhaps it was also the 3 excedrine migraine i had taken on top of my other meds... yikes!

The fire was a fire, but plenty of fun and quite a learning experience. I like to ask questions, so I picked RedCrossGuy's brain. I am sure RedCrossGal got a kick out of watching the whole situation.

Anywhoo- we came home and i showered and got ready to meet up with a few folks from Suffolk for a birthday celebration of a good friend. I had driven Ali's car with the plan of not getting drunk and driving D-Rod home. The car was parked in the 100 Clarendon garage, and being the smartest girl ever, i wrote on the ticket, exactly where the car was parked. 3B. I walked to Cleary's and stood in line for a good 20-3o minutes, which wouldn't be all that surprising except that it was 8:30 and so not line time. I finally got in and met up with folks and by 10:30 most of the people had arrived. We had gotten a few beers and were enjoying our selves.

Around 1, i wanted to put on some lip gloss and check my phone. As it turns out, I couldn't find my wristlet or the keys that were attached. I panicked. Full on panicked. I had only had 2 beers and that was hours ago, so i was 100% sober, and I must say, I think I may have been way happier drunk. Anyways, everyone was so helpful in our group, I can't say the same for the folks at the bar. We were underneath the tables and moving all the coats around and seriously looked every where. In the midst of the panicking D-Rod finally made me go outside and cancel my credit cards. So, that means, no access to cash, no automatic payments going through, none of that business. My phone was gone, so i had to cancel that. My zip card gone, my t-pass, my $25 ace hardware gift certificate, my NY licence and of course the 60 dollars I had taken out earlier in the night. And most importantly, THE CAR KEYS.

D-Rod and I called AAA around 2. It came to be that his account had expired, so being the wonderful person he is, he renewed his membership and we got down to business. First we asked for a locksmith to come and make us a key. That was at 2. When no one showed around 3ish, we called and found out that no locksmith was available. So we called for a tow. When 4:30 rolled around and no one was there. We finally gave up. Keeping in mind, we are going up and down from floor 1 where there are small heaters to floor 3 where the car is parked, every 15 minutes or so making sure that the car is still there. When at 4:30 no one had stolen the car and we were cold, hungry and very tired, we decided to go to D-Rod's house and start fresh in a few hours. We walked from the garage to the Copley Park Plaza (i think it was that one) and got some cashola from the ATM to get home, then got in a cab and arrived to the house.

No lie, i slept in my coat and all my going out clothes. I did get to look at myself in the mirror at the hotel and discovered that all my mascara and eye liner was flowing down my face making my cheeks less rosy and more grey/blackish. Ick.

We got out the door around 10 - 10:30 where our quest began. First calling AAA. Then calling one roommate to get keys to the house and calling friends to pick Ali up at the airport if I couldn't. The tow truck with dolly arrived around 12:30. We learned some very important lessons from this. Always back in to the spot and always keep your wheels straight. They can get you out better that way. So they got the car out of the spot on a dolly and we met up with a flat bed truck that would be taking the car to the Honda dealership because if you didn't know cars after 98 need to be taken to the dealership to get duplicate keys made. LAME. On our waya to the Honda place, we stopped by the Shamrock to pick up a set of keys from Atree so i can get in to the house. So i get in to the house and frantically look for my passport and any id i had. I ended up with my Red Cross ID and my work ID. HA.

When all is said and done, we got the keys in fairly good time. It was 3 when i left the dealership, about 15 hours since the whole scenario had begun. D-Rod let me write him a check and gave me some money to get a new phone and new t-pass and maybe some food for the week. Speaking of new phone, send me an email or text with your info so I have it. The number is the same! I'll be awaiting my new cards in the mail to set up my payment plans on everything again. It's just such an inconvenient thing. Annoying more than anything.

Who ever took my bag is stupid b/c all they really got was a fake coach bag, a crappy ass phone with water damage, 55 dollars (b/c i did pay for one beer), zip card they can't use, id they can't use, an ACE hardware gift certificate (which i love, but, i feel most people won't use), and car keys to a car that's not even there anymore.

Oh, and my favorite lip gloss.

A new year means... a new post?

2009-01-05T09:04:00.002-05:00

I figured I would write here since there are so many statistics about if you actually take the time to write down your resolutions are such-and-such more likely to keep them. So here I go.

1. the most common resolution EVER! I want to get back in gear with this fitness/weight loss/health thing. I did it before, I can do it now. I am trying to take is slower though, no big goals, just small ones to accomplish and then grow... For instance, yes, go to the gym as much as I can, but when I can't, I bought a fitness ball so i can just take 30 minutes and do a quick ab workout, and then not feel as guilty about the missing the gym thing.

2. Appreciate and Respect money. I have debt, I am pretty sure most of you know that. I have it from schools and from medical things and the worst, debt from friends who graciously let me borrow money. I have created a plan. I think the plan can work. As long as I stick to the plan. This may also mean I don't have a ton of spending cash, but that's where the appreciation and respect come in. I need to realize that money is something not to be wasted on what I want now, but to be kept until needed. Yes, I can buy a few things when I want them, but I can't always buy them when I want them. I need to be more specific in what I buy.

3. Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the others gold.

I think that's it for now. If you've got suggestions or comments, I'd love to hear from you (part of that is being in contact with people - a resolution must!).

Hope you all had a great year!!

A holiday tale...

2008-12-25T11:50:00.002-05:00

My good friend D wanted to find her husband the perfect Christmas gift. He had been asking and asking like a child for the Nintendo Wii. D had no interest in getting the Wii, but due to her extreme good nature and love for her man, she decided this is what she would buy.

A decent day of work was spent surveying the internet and finding the greatest deals on the Wii. Where was the best place to buy it, was it in stock, could we get it today. It was a group event and triumph when D finally exclaimed that she had found it and purchased it.

The next step was sneaking it in to the house. She brought it in to work and we found the perfect box for it. The Wii just slid in to the supply box like it was made for it. So D got it home by telling a fib that she started bringing home boxes to send gifts to E's family in Finland.

The time had passed by and it was now Christmas eve. We were all gathered at Cladaugh's house for dinner. A phenomenal dinner at that. E began to tell me how proud he was of his gifts for D. I convinced him to tell me what he got her. First he got her a beautifully framed picture of the two of them. Next, he got her 4 gift certificates for Horseback riding (one of D's passions) and finally, got her the Nintendo Wii. I burst out laughing. I said "seriously, the wii?" And he then argued that yes, it was something he wanted, but also something they could all share. I told them before dinner ended that I wanted a phone call immediately following the opening of gifts the next morning.

At 11:30, my phone rang. It was E calling to call me an asshole for not telling him what D got him. It was a very entertaining phone call, where I laughed almost the entire time! D said that when she opened his gift, she started to even cry! Poor E didn't even know what to do, he tried to distract her with the riding lessons... but alas to no avail. Poor D and all that hard work!

In the end it all works out... it is an entertaining story that they can tell for years to come. And of course, it also was quite entertaining for me and the rest of the group that knew.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! I hope Santa was good to you!

U-G-L-Y

2008-12-15T16:19:00.003-05:00

Oh yes, this was FANTASTIC!
Thanks ya'll for a wonderful christmas sweater party.

peep show

2008-12-11T09:44:00.006-05:00

and this time...

it does mean that they're letting you look at the new toys before Christmas.

extra points to whomever gets where the "peep show" reference is from.

fyi

2008-11-21T22:00:00.003-05:00

I have had the hiccups 5 times today.
Just thought you would like to know.

today - is the day

2008-09-30T10:42:00.002-04:00

I take the GRE at 5:30 this afternoon. I have already had one panic attack, and hoping there are no more. I am reviewing my formulas, equations and prefixes and I am hoping and praying that I can get through this test, with a decent score. I am not looking for a miracle in the least. I am looking to do the best I can do. I want to be able to recall everything I need to and be confident in my answers. And i want to do well.

do whatever you do, pray, send good thoughts, whatever.... just please do it. thank you.

currently occupying my time...

2008-09-24T20:08:00.002-04:00

I am learning algebra, fractions, percents, triangles, quadrilaterals, circles, quantitative comparisons, word problems and hell of a lot of words that were not in my vernacular before.

The gres are Tuesday the 30th. They will help determine whether or not I get in to graduate school. Some programs won't even consider your application if your scores don't suit their fancy.

So my hope is this. I can continue to learn the math portion of this test. I can recall the words needed for the verbal section. I will write my ass off in the analytical writing section. And i WILL do well enough for all my schools to look at me.

your prayers and thoughts are encouraged.

where you can find me...

2008-08-31T20:34:00.003-04:00

So, after much turmoil, i have decided thus far to stay here, in Boston. However, that doesn't mean that I am all that happy about it. I have been uncomfortable, uneasy, antsy and wicked emotional. I tend to space out a lot more frequently... and it's just not so great.

I spent a decent about of the day on the computer and watching tv. I decided to take a walk at one point because I was just frustrated with myself and the coverage. Right now, Anderson, my dear Anderson, is reporting from the French Quarter and it seems as though the storm has started to make it's way in.

Depressing to say the least. Right now, the story is about the homeless that are squatting in abandoned buildings and that they may try to ride out the storm. The group called Unity is going through these houses where clearly people are living. It's hard to watch for me because I feel like i can put my self in Unity's eyes... going around looking for folks they know to get them some where safe.

Hospitals right now are also not evacuating. Which i think it crazy, but good. I hope to GOD that they are completely prepared and are ready for anything. Apparently, the children's hospital in NOLA now has a helipad, which they did not have before. They are letting parents to stay at the hospital with the patients and they have a ton of diesel fuel.

That's what I want to see. I want to see just the property damage. In the movie "Low and Behold" the insurance guy makes a big speech about the dream, a HUGE natural disaster with a lot of property damage and no casualties. Sounds silly, but sounds great...

So now, you can find me by any news outlet. I plan on watching this storm, watching the damage and deciding whether I quit my job or not. Sounds a little insane, and i know that, I have been toiling over this in my head for 5 days now. I hope to soon either be comfortable with the decision I made, or strong enough to make a different one.

Keep the city of Nawlin's, Houma, and others in your thoughts. Pray and support those who are down there, the national guard, the NOPD and NOFD, FEMA and the volunteers that they stay safe and strong and make the appropriate decisions. And keep me in your thoughts, if you catch me zoning out, just shake me a little, i'll come back from the place i love.

maybe this will help...

2008-08-29T13:27:00.003-04:00

August 29. To me that's a pretty significant date. It's the anniversary of Katrina. Part of the reason my left wrist has a ink in it.

Doing relief work is an amazing experience. It brings your mind, body and spirit to a completely different place. Sometimes a calmer place because you know that you get to board a plane, go home and go back to all your earthly possessions, which you have all of. There is a bit of survivors guilt, which i admit to be oh so guilty of, always. But it's a really important thing to me to be involved in something bigger than I, something that I can do to change the greater good.

Last night, I received a call from the American Red Cross. They asked me to deploy to the gulf. My answer was maybe/yes. I had to speak to my boss first. I had already brought up the possibility of being deployed with her a few days ago when I received a preliminary email warning us about the possibility of deployment.

This morning when i approached my boss with the news of deployment on Saturday for 18 days, she was not so pleased. From her stand point, I can TOTALLY understand. One of your employees asks to leave for 18 days on oh 10 hours notice? HA. But this isn't vacation, this is something bigger, better and more important than laying on a beach some where. But that choice is not up to me yet.

I am awaiting an email that either approves or denies my request for personal leave. If it is denied, I have been given the option to leave my position today to go down tomorrow, with out it being here when i return. And i am not sure at this point what my decision might be. I recognize that I have been here for 1 year, and jumping jobs does not look good. But on a resume, disaster relief looks pretty awesome... Nursing schools will admire my character and accept me right away right? Ha, I wish. And to be honest, I am not so sure how I will react Monday morning if I wake up in my bed, in my apartment. I think i may be in quite a funk and not the same because doing this is something I love to do, something I have a passion for, and to be denied that is, well (in the most dramatic sense) is like denying my air.

well, my tumbling tummy will have to continue until i have a more definite answer, which i fear will be a bad one.

helloooo nurse...

2008-07-31T10:26:00.002-04:00

I got out of work extra late last night, and missed my normal quick 47 bus to Cambridge. Instead I walked over to the E line and took the train in bound, and switched at Park Street. This is something I have done hundreds of times, and never thought twice. As I was leaning against one of the pillars at the red line platform, playing "who wants to be a millionaire" on my phone, a woman approached me and said coyly "hellloooo nurse".

At first, I assume it was a friend, but as the scantily clad woman (wearing a black, tight zip up hoodie and a short zebra print skirt) circled me like a shark, i realized, this was more foe than friend. I ignored as best I could, but then when she circled through, asked me if she could come home with me. I said, no and went back to playing my game. She continued to circle until the train came and I got on one car and she got on another car. I thought my worries were over.

Of course at Charles MGH, she got on my train, and walked up and down the middle isle. She settled somewhere on the other side of the T, and I felt as though there were enough people around that I was still ok, just annoyed. At Central Sq, the person sitting directly across from me got off, and my dear stalker, sat down. Mind you, she is wearing a super short, zebra print skirt. She sits with her legs spread WIDE open, for all the world to see, and followed that with "you want some of this." Oh, and if you are wondering, yes, i saw her v-jay-jay (that is the technical term you know). And so did the people on either side of me. There were chuckles, snorts and quite a few gasps.

I intently played my game, and did my best to ignore that horrible train wreck sitting across from me. I decided to get off at Porter Sq because I would be able to quickly get in to the grocery store and get a cab home from there. I get off the train at the last possible moment, hoping that the door catches her and I loose her. Instead, she gets off too, and heads up the other escalator, only to meet me at the top, asking me if I was headed home with her. I kept going and at each escalator, she was there, to wink, or make a comment. I booked it through the parking lot, while talking to Atree. I couldn't see her, and I felt safe among the food of Shaw's.

That was until I was in the frozen food section. My friend was standing in front of my favorite freezer door (Ben and Jerry's of course) and asked if i was going to make dinner and have her for dessert. I said, no, I am going to get security. And that is what I did. 10 minutes later the police showed up, I gave my statements, and I noticed my lovely "professional" friend being escorted out in cuffs.

The nice cop gave me a ride home and I chilled out in front of the lifetime classic "the other sister", without my Ben and Jerry's.

sometimes not enough.

2008-07-17T10:37:00.004-04:00

So as you know, I tend to visit the ER every so often. I have reduced my visits to about 1 or 2 a year verses more than that, so that's an improvement. Any ways... Last night, I went to the Brigham and Women's ER after having a dizzy/fainting/nauseous spell at work. I was wheeled over by one of my co-workers and promptly checked in to triage.

While I understand it was at 5:30 and most people were commuting, I could not get a hold of one single person. It's not that I needed a person with me, I am quite comfortable in the hospital environment, but I did want someone with me. I called in a certain order. First people who I thought were in the area, which included the wentworth boy, radgrl, soxnut and one of my nurse friends here, LC. They all work within the Longwood Radius and I was SURE I could get one of them. Alas, no answer. So then I called a few people that I thought didn't live so close, but might be off work, and I was kinda frantically texting other people including nurses at work. Soxnut responded first saying she was in Harvard on her bike and it would be a while before coming back to the area. Being the wonderful nutritionist and friend that she is, she recommended checking my glucose level (which was 99, so that's all good) and my bp (which was 124/86, high for me, but technically a normal bp). She had a conference call with the Sox later on so she was unable to attend the wonderful adventure of the waiting room. Then the wentworth boy called. I was so happy. He came right over and stayed with me for a while. I sat in the waiting room forever, and the poor thing just came from the gym as was stinky (haha) and I am sure hungry. I sent him off around 9.

FINALLY at 9:30 I was brought back and got some wonderful meds like pepsid and zofran and a bag of fluid. The end all decision was, like March, I has a Vasovagal syncope episode brought on by the pain in my belly which now needs a CT.

I am at work now, and feeling much much better. The only thing I keep thinking about is the fact that I didn't have that many people to call. I am a little bummed in the fact that when asked who my emergency contact is and I said Ali, they said, no, first a family member and I said, no, first Ali. It's a little frustrating watching husbands yell at the registration desk because they just want to see their wife and know that she is ok, and I sit there alone. Friends are wonderful, please, don't get me wrong, any one. I love love love love my friends, because they are my family and my significant others... but sometimes, like last night, it's just not enough. At least for me.

i am stressed.

2008-05-15T08:46:00.003-04:00

Here is how i have figured that out.

1. My head is pounding, I have fantabulous migraine today so severe that I can't really see straight.

2. My stomach is a wreck. Churning and turning and ick.

3. I have about 30 million zits.

4. I have 3 finals in the next 72 hours.

Oh yeah. Pray for me. oy.

Day 6

2008-04-23T21:45:00.001-04:00

The end was drawing near. Boston, home, our own beds, were so close, yet, SOOOOO FAR!

Becky and I got up earlier than Alicia and went down to the Whole Foods to get some fixin's for waffles and bacon. We cut up some strawberry's and raspberry's and had a lovely breakfast on the porch. Then it was time to say good-bye and get back in the good 'ol Honda.

We left at 11. We thought had had planned this perfectly. We would miss the DC traffic and hopefully only catch the beginning of the NY traffic. Traffic in DC was slow going. We made it out of there and in to Maryland around 1 or so... Then we made pretty decent time. We stopped quick for lunch, our turkey and cheese sandwiches with carrots and of course making inappropriate comments about the people at the rest stop. We can be pretty immature sometimes, but, eh, who cares, we had our supply of twizzlers to keep us happy.

Back on the road, and headed towards NY. We got to NJ paid our arm and a leg toll and were on our way to the G.W. bridge. It was probably about 3:45.

We had gotten stuck smack dab in the middle of the traffic. We listened to 4 Dixie Chicks CDS from the NJ turnpike in to NYC. I was getting ridiculously angry and soo frustrated!!! We had no AC, which is really ok, except when you are surrounded by 16 wheelers, and stupidness. Here's me being very, very, very frustrated. Even Alicia is making a face in the corner.

A good 2 hours later, we had finally gotten through the traffic and were headed towards CT. We were doing well, until, shocking! more traffic. I thought it would be best to get some gas since we were low and I had no desire of getting stuck with no gas. We got off at Stamford, and couldn't find gas for the life us. So we got back in to the pile of traffic. It took probably another 30 minutes until we were happily going a nice 60 miles per hour and saw a rest stop. I HAPPILY handed the keys over and took my happy place in the passenger seat. That was at 6.

There were few delays from there. A pretty decent accident did stall traffic for a little bit. A huge 16 wheeler looked as if it had ripped open like a can of sardines and then flipped... not so great. Even worse was a stupid Jeep from NJ who had the dumbest driver ever. Boo her. First, she almost crashed her car in to other cars going about 70 miles an hour, she didn't stop in time, so instead she drove off the road in to the middle ground. She got back in the line of traffic where she then bumped the car in front of her. The driver got out and started yelling, thankfully it was settled and everyone got back in their cars. Once we passed the accident it was smooth sailing to the house. We got home around 9:30/10. The car was pretty much emptied, but there was some stuff left. Tomorrow, I'll start really cleaning and doing laundry and what not.

Well, it's off to bed so I can be ready and refreshed (yeah right) for work!

Day 5

2008-04-22T23:21:00.002-04:00

We woke up around 9 and headed out to Huey's, a New Orleans Style restaurant, for breakfast. YUM. There was a little more shopping and then we experienced our first Sox-Hating. We were both wearing our sox shirts and in a candy store we had an older man walk by us, then come back and say, "I shouldn't be saying anything, but I couldn't help it with both you ladies wearing those shirts! I am a proud Yankee fan!" He was so cute. We chatted for a bit. It was nice...

We got settled at the hotel (with the correct rate, yay!) and got on the road to DC. We had been gloating the day before about how extremely well the trip had gone, no snafus and just so smooth. I think we jinxed it.

So we headed out towards DC. I had made this binder with directions divided by each leg of the journey. I made a mistake on our Savannah to DC directions though and instead of going from Savannah, it went from Morrow, GA. So the directions had us going back to Atlanta, and then to DC, which is definitely out of the way. So, Alicia's the amazing girl she is dealt with me and we figured out eventually how to get on the right road (that is after we attempted to find 95 once and turned around - oh that's right, it was the exit AFTER the one where we turned around).

So, we get on 95 and we're going, it's a decent drive. We leave Georgia, head in to South Carolina, pass the town of Coosawatchie and then out of the trunk in front of me flies some black thing, i have no clue what it was. There was then a ping sound, something hitting the car, and we started to swerve a bit. To our right, a driver yelled, you have a flat tire. Oh yes folks. We cursed ourselves good. A nice flat tired near the town of Coosawatchie.

Well, Alicia called AAA and we got someone on the way. Mind you, we both know how to change a flat, but, on the busy highway, we just didn't want to deal with it. At all. So we had about 45 minutes to wait for them. As we are waiting, a police cruiser pulled up behind us and out came a VERY handsome trooper. His name was Perry. We called him (not to his face) "Super Trooper Perry".
Anyways, he and his giant arms told us where the next Wal*Mart was, and said he'd check in on us in a little bit. The AAA guy came with his big belly. He fixed it in no time, and we were on our way to Wally World.

The guy at Wal*Mart was super nice... however we had about an hour to wait. So, we played. The coolest thing about the store was the cookie samples. Oh yes, tons of cookies! Lovely. Finally we were back on the road. I must say, at this point, both of us were wearing thin. Totally ready to just be home... not DC, home.

The rest of the drive was alright. I freaked out at every little sound, but everything was always fine. We stopped to fill up on gas, and grab ourselves some Sonic.

We met "larry the cable guy", who really wasn't as famous as the other guy, but still entertaining. The Sonic on the other hand, not so entertaining. Perhaps it was the rate at which we inhaled the food, or perhaps it was that we hadn't eaten fast food burgers in forever, but whatever it was, it just wasn't right.

We took our icky stomachs to DC. We were totally on our last legs, and the lack of parking just kinda took us over the edge when we got to Becky's. Alicia and I were done with the road trip, but sadly, we couldn't actually be done. We were only in DC! Becky set us up wonderfully in her apartment. Alicia had the air mattress to herself and I got to cuddle with my Beck-1! It was most certainly time to crash.

Day 4

2008-04-21T23:36:00.003-04:00

We got up a little to late to have our continental breakfast at the Best Western, but that's OK. We got our sleep. Alicia and I had packed snacks like muffins and apples so we munched on the way.

Ah. Savannah! The place Alicia and I had been waiting for! And totally NOT what I expected, and I think Alicia would agree. The drive to Savannah was relatively short, only 4 hours compared to most of our other 9 hour drives. It was beautiful weather. Route 16 goes right into downtown, a little strange, but good for a visitor. Our hotel was located right downtown, very close to the City Market and the River.

We checked in at 2:00, knowing well and good that check in is technically at 4. I had previously printed the confirmation page, as well as checked to make sure that we had changed the reservation for 2 people instead of 3. Everything was lookin' good on paper. Not so much at the hotel where they had the wrong reservation linked with the confirmation number, and had the wrong rate for the room. I was quite frustrated by this whole issue... it was thankfully worked out by the ever cool Alicia.

We decided since it would be at least an hour until our room was ready to start walking around Savannah. I think that I had imaged amazing houses and shops every where... something a little more classy then what seemed to be before us. First stop, the Lady and Son's restaurant to make sure we could get dinner reservations.

We got them for 8:45 pm. Sounded great. We then grabbed lunch at Belford's in the city market. It was a pretty decent meal. The drinks however, were another story. I have come to find that I have no tolerance for liquor and Alicia learned of her distaste for Key Lime Martini's and their frothiness. The atmosphere was nice in the restaurant, and it was good to just chill.

We then walked all around the river front. River Street is the "known" area in Savannah. It's pretty and some of the buildings are really cool, and obviously it's all really historic.. so that's neat... however, we thought it was weird that for the most part, it was empty and when you walked over a few streets "too far" you would have walked into an area that seemed perhaps, not the safest of spots. All in all, the city is very neat to run around in. There are squares of little parks and then a large park (name Forsyth Park) in the middle. Most of the squares have statues or fountains. As with most cities, you find a few characters out and about.
After walking around for a few hours, we headed back to the hotel to crash for a bit before dinner.

We made it to the restaurant a little early, but it was alright, we were seated a little early. Paula Deen is Alicia's FAVORITE person (there may actually be a tie between her and Wentworth Miller, and of course, moi). She was hoping to run in to her idol, but alas, Paula was a no show. The menu looked wonderful. There were many appetizers, and about 10 entrees. At least 5 of them had shrimp so that was a no go for me... and about 8 of them were seafood, so Alicia's was out on that. We decided on the buffet and fried green tomato appetizers. They came over with some wonderful hoebread (quite like a pancake) and a delicious cheesy biscuit. The tomatoes were yummy too, except they had this spicy stuff on them, which was a little too much. We then went for the buffet. Ready? There was fried chicken, stewed chicken, steak, mashed potatoes, green beans in a butter bath, grits, gravy, lima beans, collard greens and my personal favorite, mac and cheese (i was the first to dive in to the new pan that came out). The food, although was delicious, was a little too much for my body to handle. The lack of the gall bladder made me not so happy... but of course, i had to get dessert. The buffet came with dessert but I had been saving myself all week for Paula Deen Key Lime Pie. And it was 100% worth it. YUM.

So we stuffed ourselves silly and then promptly passed out in bed. The beds were wickedly comfortable. And we were out.

PS to our Marathon friends: We "ran" our 26.2 miles along with you. Start at 10:30 we tracked our time, and it should be known, we won the prize. We finished in 20 minutes and 4 seconds. That's right... we won, not some amazing African Runner! :)

Day 3

2008-04-20T22:59:00.002-04:00

Today was our lazy day. Lindsay stayed up quite late/early doing some homework (perhaps a view of what my future life as a nursing student may look like). Originally we had wanted to go to church, but that idea was scratched when we all remembered how much we loved sleep.

We actually left the house around 12:30. Lindsay took us on a tour of Jackson. First we saw her school. She goes to Union University... You might recognize the name because a tornado ripped through her school in February this year. We were able to see the new construction going up around that disaster. We learned where the nice Kroger is and where you can go shopping... as well as where most people are spending their Sunday afternoon. The local park was PACKED. Lindsay said that when she had been there before no one was there, but, there were so many people there playing on the play ground, the soccer fields, baseball diamonds, it was insane actually.

Downtown Jackson is lacking some... well people and businesses. There isn't much there, although, it is quite an adorable little town with might I had, the National Barber College (the building looks as if it hasn't been used in 50 plus years!).

blizzard, and i have to say, it was only my 2We then headed to the Jackson Family Fun Complex where Lindsay (the scorekeeper) beat Alicia and I in a round of mini-golf. We're pretty sure she cheated. Then it was off to my first go-kart experience. Not exactly what I pictured, but fun. It was warm out so we decided it was necessary to have some DQ (or Dairy Queen to the uneducated). I got a wonderful butterfingernd DQ experience, and I loved it more then the first). We spent hours at DQ just talking and then decided to finally head over to O'Charley's.

Alicia is a manager at a local 99 up in the Boston area, and within the past 10 year's O'Charley's has taken over as it's parent company, so she had said early on that she wanted to go to eat there. The food was decent, and the staff was attractive and nice. The bathrooms however were another story. It's all good though.

We headed back to Lind's house and met her landlady who is a bit of a character, but funny and sweet. Then it was off to Morrow, GA where we spent the night before heading in to Savannah. The drive wasn't terrible... long, but good. There were some parts where we were driving through winding mountainous roads that I fee like would've been much nicer to do in the day time without millions of 16 wheelers. But all in all... good day. Soon to see Paula!!!!!!!

One quick note! Good Luck to all the runners tomorrow!!!!!! YAY!

Day 2

2008-04-19T23:19:00.003-04:00

Today was a loooong day, yet technically the same length of any other day. We left Lexington around 8. We first got our complimentary breakfast consisting of English muffins, corn flakes and various juices. There was a slight incident when we saw the housekeeping staff digging through the garbage picking out all the Styrofoam cups, just like the ones we were drinking out of. I was quite disgusted, but Alicia just kept on drinking her juice… who knows where our cups had been!

I took the first leg of driving. From Lexington to Nashville, it was about 7 hours. For a good part of the first 4 it rained. It was icky grey and just did not look nice.

Alicia slept, which was really good. As much as I’d like to say I loved driving through there, I can’t say it… it’s all the same, cows and farms, and more cows, and some chickens. I guess I should be thankful we’re not driving through Kansas.

We stopped around 1 at a rest stop just outside of Knoxville and grabbed lunch. We then called our local tour guide, Casey, in Nashville to let her know we were only 2 hours or so away. She seemed so very nice on the phone, and we were so excited for Nashville.

It was sprinkling a bit when we pulled off the sketchy exit in to Nashville. It reminded me a lot of getting of I-10 in NOLA, where you think you’ve just made a terrible mistake, but really, just keep going, and it will be fine. We parked in a garage, and that is when the fun began.

We wanted to wear our going out clothes… but we had no place to change, so we changed in the car. I am SURE the security guard could see us and enjoyed the show. We headed out the door, and outside, where it had begun raining harder and our adorable outfits were just not appropriate for the weather. So we headed back inside to grab sweatshirts and change again. Finally we made it out towards the ice cream parlor because it was the only place we could find with a bathroom. With a strawberry shake and a mango tropical smoothie we were on our way to Casey. She lives right in downtown Nashville, the equivalent of say living on Tremont Street or in Times Square. Her apartment was GEORGEOUS!!!! And she was so nice!

on our own, couldn’t afford, and wouldn’t find easily in Boston. It was fun though. We found some cute things, but at least for me, my budget doesn’t have space for a 100-dollar dress rightShe took us around to some boutiques which were places that we would probably never go in now. We headed back to the “big streets” of Nashville, grabbed dinner and a cute bar place where we had the most ditzy waitress ever, think Ursula on Mad About You.

We then went shopping in the touristy stores around and I don’t know that I have laughed that hard in a really long time! There are a lot of lame yet funny things around, including Alicia and my new man, Elivs!
Alicia and I wanted cowboy boots, and we found a store with a sign that says, “buy 1 pair get 2 pair free” – which says to us, buy one pair of boots get the second pair free. Well, apparently it’s buy one pair get 2 pairs free. So we got each a pair and one for her sister. We headed back to the car to toss all the stuff with us and let me put on my boots and then headed out for some good old Nashville Night Life. We went to the a place called the Stage.

There were a mix of people at the stage, really hip 20 year olds and some not so hip everyone elses. There were men in cowboy hats and boots, and there was a fabulous country singer (who wore really tight jeans, just like a good country singer should). Despite the southern charm rumor, we experienced the same creepiness as we do up North. Boys trying to hit on you by running their hands all over you. Get the message boys; in a cowboy hat and boots you are still being creepy!

We headed out a little later towards Jackson to meet up with Lindsay (Alicia’s sister). That drive I have to say thank god I was not the driver. I was barely able to keep my eyes open. Thankfully Alicia got us here safe and sound.

Tomorrow, we rest for the day and head to Morrow, Georgia (half way to Savannah).

Day 1

2008-04-18T22:59:00.000-04:00

We departed from Boston at 2:00 am and made our way to the road. Despite the fact that it was wicked early, Licia and I were ridiculously awake. We chatted for the first hour or two about various things, and most importantly talked about how much we missed our third road companion RadGrl. Sadly, she had other pressing engagements and was not able to partake in the adventure.

I fell asleep around 3 and told ‘Licia to wake me up when we hit the Tapanzee Bridge. Right on time, around 4:40 am she woke me up… just as we were heading in to White Plains. Being from NY, and traveling to the city frequently during my childhood, I always get a bit nostalgic when traveling around familiar landmarks.

We got to the bridge at 5:09… where we hit our first ‘bout of traffic. It took us a good 30 minutes to get off the bridge and be on our way.
We made it to Victory, PA before stopping – a whole 300 miles… We got some coffee and gas, and I took the wheel.

PA is full of farms and cows. I was ridiculous always saying COW! I know ‘Licia got sick of that one. She fell asleep a little later, and I kept driving. We had decided that at 9 we would be stopping to grab breakfast at Shoneys restaurant. A whole 5.99 for a breakfast buffet. Whoo-hoo!

Back on the road, back to more farms. We played about a million cds and sang at the top of our lungs to most of the songs. It was completely delightful. Driving and driving, I felt like we were NEVER going to get to Lexington.

FINALLY we arrived in Lexington. The hotel thankfully let us check in early and we showered and got ready to meet up with Justin (‘Licia’s brother). We hit the VMI around 2:30 and Justin showed us around a little. We went on a tour with a fantastically nerdy boy and learned wonderful things about the VMI. We were then ready for the parade to begin. Let me remind you that it was HOTT out. Ok. Maybe not hot. Nice and warm, probably 75 at least.

Here were the poor cadets in their dress uniforms, wool and wicked hot. Having to stand out in the sun. Turns out at least 12 of them had fainted and had to fall out of line. The parade was cool, and it was fun to watch at the VMI boys running around. There were some QUITE attractive ones.

After the parade, we took Justin and some friends (4 to be exact) to dinner at a pizza place in town. These 5 VMI boys all squeezed in the back of ‘Licia’s sturdy Honda Civic. We were even asked at a light if we were Mexican or from the Circus. No Lie!

Now Alicia and I are back at the hotel. Quite sunburned and completely ready for bed. We’re watching a little I love Lucy to get us ready and then it’s a good nights rest for us. We are off tomorrow for Nashville and Jackson.

Thus far I have quite enjoyed seeing the amazing scenery. It is quite beautiful out in this area, and amazingly historical. Yay! See ya’ll later!!

Interruption....

2008-04-17T09:06:00.002-04:00

We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog for a special program.

I'm a wanna be hippie that showers presents:

ROAD TRIP TO THE DIRRRTY DIRRRRTY SOUTH 2008

prepare to be dazzled by the wonders of the road.
2 girls, a honda civic and the south.

OH YEAH.

i love a job where....

2008-04-08T14:17:00.003-04:00

you are reminded to wear your red sox gear on tuesday.

when you walk in on tuesday, everyone is wearing their red sox gear.

all tvs are turned on to the red sox opening day ceremonies.

the nurses encourage you to eat the free ice cream.

everyone stops what they are doing to watch the f-16 fly overs, and it's really awesome because you are on the 10th floor with lots of windows.

Oh yes, that's my job! :) GO SOX!

Dr Yousef comes to town...

2008-03-23T22:24:00.002-04:00

I have a very dear friend who has a minor fetish... foreigners... She's dated them, friends with them, hell she's even married to one! Because of this fetish, she always has interesting stories when it comes to security issues... It is always an adventure with Radgrl.

Tonight was no exception. Radgrl is married to Hrvdboi. He is Indian, and his family lives in Kuwait. Currently, everyone is preparing for a wedding in California. This includes getting all supplies over from Kuwait to the US. His mother had arranged for 2 acquaintances who were flying to the US to meet up with Radgrl and hand over 2 bags filled with random items including an amplifier, sari, pots and pans, and a potato masher. Radgrl was told that these 2 men, (one of whom is named Dr. Yousef...) would call upon arrival.

Radgrl and I hung out for Easter and prepared to leave for the airport around 7, supposedly leaving us enough time to say hello to Ali and the gang at the 99 and make our way to the airport for the pick up. Well thankfully we left when we did because traffic was horrible. We got to the airport at 9:07. I called to find out when the flight arrived and it had been there about 20 minutes. Radgrl had not heard from our friends yet... Chewy ( the dog) was in the back seat so, there was no way we could park and go in. So i jumped in to the driver seat and Radgrl went inside to baggage claim.

She walked around for about 10 minutes. While inside she spoke to the information guy, trying to explain that 2 men from Kuwait were bringing her 2 bags that she needed to pick up. Clearly that did not go over so well. She was suggested to check with the baggage people. That conversation went very similar to the one before. "Maybe they left the bags for me to pick up" "Who are you again?" "You are telling me that 2 men from Kuwait, left you 2 bags to randomly pick up at the airport?" On top of that she began to notice more security make their way around the area. She asked if she could page the 2 men. The information man said that he would page them, but she needed to leave the airport within the next 5 minutes.

While Radgrl was inside, I was sitting at the gate outside, waiting. I could see the cop directing traffic on his walkie-talkie and moving closer and closer to the car. I kept trying to figure out what I would have to tell them when Radgrl came out, flustered and frustrated. We drove away laughing at the hilarity and insanity of the evening. A little adventure never hurt anyone.

"a friend will bail you out of jail,
a true friend will be sitting next to you"

help wanted:

2008-03-19T09:39:00.002-04:00

looking for someone to kick my butt and motivate me to put down the junk food and start putting fruit and veggies in my mouth. Someone who will carry me out of bed and drop me off at the gym and be sure I actually do something.

If you are willing and able.... apply within.

You're still a part of everything I do, you're on my heart just like a tattoo...

2008-03-05T15:51:00.002-05:00

Birthday chanukah begins!!!

2008-02-10T20:41:00.001-05:00

So because i do have awesome friends... i have enough presents here so that i can open one every day for the next week.... It's very exciting. So, i have already started... :)

Yesterday, as I was patiently waiting for my red sox / yankees tickets. I got cold, and colder.... but, i figured it was just a me thing... but, by the time i cranked the thermostat to 80 and nothing happened, i thought something was wrong. But, i was preoccupied with my tickets. When Marian got home, i explained the coldness and we called the landlord. Then she reminded me about the presents... so i said ... find me the warmest one....

so i got....
This kitty will be keeping the draft out of my room for a while... hopefully it will help me stay a little warmer.

Today (sunday), Marian, John and I went to breakfast and on our way back it began to rain. If you know me, you know I hate the rain. With a passion. So we played the game again... Find me a present that will keep me dry.

so i got...

This hard has been something i've wanted for a very long time! With the construction and demolition work i have done... i felt i needed my own hard hat. I had the steel toed boots, why not the hard hat. To make it even more personal, it's from the Suffolk Construction Company ... but no one needs to know that... just that it says Suffolk... my alma mater!

I'll keep you posted on how the next week goes! Don't forget, February 15th is day kids... so send those wishes my way!

*UPDATE:

I received many wonderful gifts that include the following:
-candy
-tattoo gift certificate
-kite
-plates
-necklace
-duvet
and some other stuff that at this moment, i can not remember. Thanks to all for making it such a wonderful day/week/month.

I can't pick a birthday present...

2008-01-27T19:46:00.000-05:00

I have had a really fun weekend. Classes started and I'm quite excited. My professor seems to be excited about teaching and the subject of anatomy and physiology, so that's great. I do better when my professors are excited about their class. After class i ran to Park Street where I was able to witness a union of some friends. From there we went to the reception then headed home to change. We headed to Rt 1 for some fun and adventures... because yes, that's what we do. We go to Rt. 1 to have fun.

We happened to go to Kmart while there. I have been looking for a new duvet and bed set for at least a year. I have also wanted to paint my room. So Marian and I walked around looking at bed sets together. There were a few that I really liked. Despite Marian saying to pick one out for my birthday, I turned down any offer and we went on our merry way.

Today, Crimson, Marian, Sean, John and Chris met up for a brunch that supported the Greater Boston Food Bank. It was lovely. After we went shopping around the Pru. There I noticed that I was very picky about the things I was looking at and considering buying. We later headed downtown to H & M where I found the most wonderful spring coat. I loved it! And despite the price being affordable and Crimson saying she'd get if for my birthday, I said, No.

Crimson and Marian were talking about settling for things and I said, I'm very picky. I always wait because what if something better comes along... and then I had an a ha moment. I am too picky in life. I am crazy about my clothes matching and crazy about not getting something I really want because, what if I find something I love more a little later. Then It's too late, i already choose. Besides my silly idiosyncrasies, I feel as thought this is a bigger issue in my life. Especially when it comes to dating.

First off, I admit that I have been burned before and therefore am extra cautious when it comes to relationships. Yet that doesn't explain why I don't give more people chances at getting to know me or for me getting to know other people. I am shy when it comes to guys I might be interested and very awkward when it comes to guys who like me. I am always wondering, what if there is something better. What if I meet someone who I'm more attracted to?

I think i just need to get out there. Give more people a chance. Now that doesn't mean I'll change over night, but it does mean that I'll give a lot more thought. Maybe I'll buy a jacket, settle on a wall color, choose a duvet cover or maybe even pick a birthday present...

or maybe, I'll go on a date.

how close is too close?

2008-01-24T17:08:00.000-05:00

I realized today that I really truly miss my patients. I have been moved to another section of the hospital, and starting next week, I'll be in yet another section. I eat lunch in my original placement, and hang out with some of my friends and patients. Today I noticed one of my patients looking particularly uncomfortable and ill. I spoke with his mother and just sat there with her for a bit. I realized that I wouldn't be able to take care of him any more. I wouldn't be there to bring the warm blanket, the yogurt, or bust on him about needing to take another set of vital signs. The same goes for other patients... no more conversations about Macs, or my schooling with the professors that are here. It makes me sad.

That makes me wonder, how close is too close? Have I stepped over a line to the point where I am too invested? Am i too deeply involved. I fear that this will continually be a problem. I am the type of person who wants to be involved. I want to know about the regular life stuff along with the disease-y type stuff. I want to know what music you're listening too and what your platelet level is. It's just how I am. I would share my platelet level with someone if i knew it on a regular basis (Though I am not sure how many people want to know about that).

I feel as though patients are just friends that are sick. I wouldn't scream from the roof top some personal information, but, on a personal level, i connect with these people. I have become part of their lives. I know that because of Christmas cards, e-mails, and hugs. Their lives I know, include me, and that I am important to them. So why can't or why shouldn't they be just as important to me? Why shouldn't I miss them, as they miss me when I'm not on the floor?

I fear this will be a life long struggle.

In good news though, last night I went out to see Firedrill! perform at Johnny D's in Somerville last night. First off, I'd like to point out that Johnny D's is one of my all time favor brunch places. They play jazz as you eat... can it get any better? Well, Firedrill! was great (as always). It was nice to see my friends D and Tree... (yes, i use code names for most people... you need to figure them out!). We definitely enjoyed ourselves and it just solidified the following: i need to get out more, i need to hangout with my friends more and i need a life. excellent.

Donate Blood and Platelets - I did today!

2008-01-22T16:12:00.000-05:00

The Dana-Farber Cancer Institute (DFCI) Kraft Family Blood Donor Center and the Brigham and Women's Hospital's (BWH) Blood Donor Center are members of the Joint Program in Transfusion Medicine (JPTM). Together these centers provide essential blood products to patients cared for in both institutions. The Kraft Center collects platelets; the BWH Donor Center collects whole blood and red cells. The program's research and quality standards ensure the safety of the more than 60,000 transfusions performed annually at their patient care facilities.

Transfusions of blood and platelets are critical to helping patients return to health. There is no substitute for volunteer donors; patients count on people like you to help.Blood is made of four components: platelets, plasma, red blood cells and white blood cells. The platelet component is necessary to control bleeding. Patients undergoing chemotherapy and radiation treatments, for example, are unable to produce enough platelets. Without platelet transfusion, life-threatening hemorrhages could result.

Plan to spend about two hours at the donor center. When you arrive, you will complete a confidential screening about your medical and travel history. Platelets are collected by a procedure called apheresis (a-far-EE-sis). During this process, a machine collecting blood from one arm separates your platelets from the other blood components, which are returned to you. The donation takes about 90 minutes during which time you can enjoy a variety of entertainment from our multimedia library on a personal TV screen, read about monthly happenings in the center's newsletter, or simply sit back and relax.

Safety is our priority; all materials used are new for each donor and then discarded. After the donation, you will be asked to remain in the donor center for a brief period of rest, during which time we invite you to relax and enjoy some refreshments.

Eligibility
You are eligible to donate platelets every two weeks (up to 24 times a year), if you:
are at least 17 years old; weigh at least 110 pounds; are in good health; are free of aspirin or products containing aspirin (e.g., ibuprofen, Advil, naproxen, Motrin, and Aleve) for 36 hours beforehand; and are free of antibiotics and dental cleaning for 48 hours beforehand.

You will be unable to donate if:
you have had a tattoo or piercing within the last 12 months; you are pregnant, or are trying to become pregnant; or you have traveled to a malarial risk country. There are other travel, medical conditions, and medications that may make you ineligible to donate. Please feel free to contact the donor center with any questions you have about your eligibility.

Appointments
You can make an appointment to donate platelets during the hours listed below for the Kraft Center.

For first time donors:
Monday-Thursday, 8 a.m.-4 p.m.Friday, 8 a.m.-12 p.m.Saturday, 7:30 a.m.-12 p.m.

Regular hours:
Monday-Thursday, 7 a.m.-6 p.m.Friday, 7 a.m.-12:30 p.m.Saturday, 7:30 a.m.-12:30 p.m.

To schedule an appointment or for more information, please call (617) 632-3206, or e-mail us at joseph_powell@dfci.harvard.edu.

health AND dental insurance?!

2008-01-18T16:15:00.000-05:00

So, i was offered a full time, benefits full, vacation time and sick time, position at my place of employment. I am very excited about it. The only really sad part is that it is in a new unit. I really love my patients. A lot. And I am sure I'll love these patients just as much, but it really bums me out to be missing out on their lives. I ran in to a few of them on my way down from my interview and it seemed as though they were almost going to cry when I told them that I going to be moving. I have become so involved in their lives, but I guess this is part of life. Getting new jobs, meeting new people, moving on.

Of course, I'll be catching up on my favorites, and try to work on the other floor when I can. I believe I can scramble down there some days when I am off for some extra cash (which will be quite nice).

Tonight I believe will be a quiet night, and most likely a quiet weekend. It will be good. However, if you want to make it exciting give me a call and we'll do something.

Have a great weekend readers.

my birthday is just around the corner...

2008-01-17T18:24:00.000-05:00

This was my list last year. I have to say... my friends did really well... I will highlight things that are still missing. And of course, within the next month (that's right, only a month left!!) I'll add more things. YAY for birthdays!

1. Until There's a Cure - Silver AIDS bracelet - available at Body Shop.
2. John Corbett CD- available at Borders.
3. Sharpie Accent Retractable Highlighters - various colors - available at Staples.
4. Queen Sized Duvet - down alternative - white - available at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
5. Queen Sized Duvet Cover - white - available at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
6. Amazing Wall Hanging Fish Tank - available only at target.com.
7. Fish for the fish tank - beta - a petstore.
8. Timbuk2 Cargo Tote- medium/black - timbuk2.com/backcountry.com/city sports.
9. Gift Certificates to Gap, Old Navy, Target (any where i can get new clothes!!).
10. One way ticket to NOLA.
11. Elsa Peretti Cross necklace, small. Sterling silver, on 16" chain - available at Tiffany's.
12. Black Mac Book, 13", 160 GB Serial ATA drive, etc... - available at Apple.com or the store.
13. New furniture at Ikea - available at ikea.com.
14. A freezer for Sarah - available at walmart.com or the store.
15. Books - available at Borders or Barnes and Noble or Brookline Booksmith.
16. Salon Gift Certificate to get my hair cut - available at a salon.
17. GRE study book - available at Borders or Barnes and Noble or Brookline Booksmith.
18. a bible, small, NIV - available at Borders or Barnes and Noble or Brookline Booksmith.
19. A snowboarding trip for a day (rental and lift tix included) - available at a mountain.
20. A new body pillow.
21. 8 candle votives (i get wax every where).
22. a winter jacked (ski/snowboardesque). Despite my denying my need for it... i need it...

Can you tell that I am a tad bored at work? Well kids, get shopping. :)

Running, running, running...

2008-01-17T12:10:00.000-05:00

I have been going to the gym almost every day for the past 2 weeks. While I realize that 2 weeks really isn't a lot of time, I feel as though I haven't accomplished much at all. My weight hasn't changed all that much, just a few pounds (well... depending on which scale I use it can vary from a loss of 3 to 8 pounds). I feel as though my clothes are still too tight (there is a possibility that I have shrunk them all. I am not so great at laundry. This past load I turned all white things in to a pale blue/gray). Sigh.

My usual routine is to run/elliptical for about 30 minutes. Today I did that for 45 minutes because, well let's be honest, I ate a disgusting amount of rice krispy squares last night. Then on some days, I do arm strength training, and on the other days, I do leg strength training. I am trying to also get in about 50 crunches a day. That usually doesn't get done so much. But, I wouldn't think I NEED the crunches so much when I am doing the other stuff...

I have stayed OP (on-plan for all you non ww (weight watchers) people) this week. Which is clearly a good thing. Again, i haven't seen results of that either. Maybe i am doing something wrong, I am just not sure what. I am doing my best to eat at least 4 fruits and veggies a day... Maybe I need to work on what my points are being used towards. That could be a good goal. What is sad is the more healthy my food gets, the more expensive and time consuming it is.

Alright kids. I have 7 hours and 1o minutes left in this joint. It's possible I'll be back on after lunch for an update on the day.

Update:
So in other news...

I have been working at this health care facility since September as a per diem clinical assistant. That means, i am paid per hour and I have no benefits. That also means that technically, I can lose my job at any time because I may not be needed any more. (Anyone sense some foreshadowing?).

Yesterday my supervisor pulled me in to the office to let me know that after I am trained at this new section, I may not have a space when I get back. This shocked me, of course. Job security was something I never worried about. There was always something for me to do.

Well, not so much anymore. But, I am taking the higher ground. I have applied to full time positions and have an interview tomorrow. Hopefully all will go well.

The thing that bothers me is change. I don't want to meet new staff, new patients, new this and new that. I wish I could stick to what I know. But I guess that's how it goes. Always have to be on your guard and be prepared to change if needed. So yeah.

Biggest Loser, what?!

2008-01-15T18:33:00.000-05:00

So, my office (well mainly Maz and myself) decided that we should do the Biggest Loser, Office Style. The word got out, and a TON of staff are excited and involved. Starting next Tuesday, we will be weighing in every week (yay accountability!). We pay $6, $1 will go to the weekly winner and the other $5 will go to the large pot to the over-all winner. It's quite exciting. It's also really great because it will encourage everyone to really get involved and be on top of it. When you try to do things on your own, generally it is harder... with the entire staff by my side, I can't fail. I hope I don't fail... seriously.

In other news I am being trained in a new section of the hospital. It is slow and boring. Send me emails and love. I should only be here for 2 weeks, but today has gone by SOO SLOWLY... oy. I like fast pacedness.

School applications are going out soon (again). Classes start up at the end of January. I need to finish my stats class (i hate that class, p.s.).

the life of a suzi. never dull.

borrowed from Marian....

2007-12-14T11:00:00.000-05:00

Could it be holiday tradition??

B.Good is having their eggnog shake special again this year!!!!!!!!! The ENTIRE price of the eggnog shake is being donated to Starlight, the outreach team I support by cooking every Wednesday. If you're in the Boston area today (sadly it's only one day) Please, Please go out and get one -- there are lots of locations around the city. If you can't make it, pass the information around to other people in Boston you know who love eggnog and helping those less fortunate (and really, shouldn't that be everyone?).

I feel like I should put random tag lines here so even the people searching for porn happen upon this site and hear about the eggnog benefit (because really, wouldn't that be a better use of their time and money?).

Snow storm updates

2007-12-13T14:05:00.001-05:00

at 1pm

at 1:30 pm

at 2 pm

at 3pm

at 10 pm

at 10 am

we've got about 12 inches of snow. We also couldn't find out real snow shovel, so i used the type of shovel that you would dig a hole with. It was quite wonderful.

so yeah....

2007-12-12T17:46:00.000-05:00

So in reality, i have a gram negative, very strong pneumonia. I have been out of work for the past week and will be out again for this while week. BUMMER for me. I have been on three different antibiotics, and hopefully this last one will actually work. I have been exhausted, it's frightening how actually exhausted I am.

Bonus for me however. I thought I was well enough to go to work on Monday. I went in at 10. I was hot packing a patient (putting hot, wet towels on their arm to get the veins out). I heard a PR rep having the other patients sign release forms because the RED SOX WERE COMING IN!!!!!!
Yes! I got to meet Snyder and Tavares and Larry (the owner)... and touch the World Series Trophy!!!!! Sadly, i came down with a fever of 101, so i went home.

I'm also taking incompletes in all my classes. It's a big bummer. I feel as though any path that i pretended to have has been completely wiped away. I think I am being taught a lesson. I need to rely more on God's plans then my plans. I haven't listened to His will in a really long time.. and I think that's important. So, that's another thing i am working on right now. Good thing i have some quality me time to do that.

just another to add to the list...

2007-12-04T19:50:00.000-05:00

Streptococcus pneumoniae

Hello, I'm S. pneumoniae.
I'm a Gram Positive coccus.
Sometimes I'm known as the 'pneumococcus'.
I'm found in some people's airways.

I have a capsule coating that means I can be grouped into 80 'serotypes'.

I am the most common cause of pneumonia in healthy people, although I also get into smokers and the elderly.
I'm also cause lots of bacterial meningitis.

Snow, Snow, Snow!

2007-12-03T10:18:00.000-05:00

Although I am feeling not so great right now, the snow that fell yesterday put me in a slightly better mood. I feel the need to share, as i do every year, my favorite snow song!

Here comes Suzy Snowflake,
Dressed in a snow-white gown,
Tap, tap, tappin' at your windowpane
To tell you she's in town.

Here comes Suzy Snowflake;
Soon you will hear her say,
"Come out ev'ryone and play with me;
I haven't long to stay. If you want to make a snowman,
I'll help you make one, two, three.
If you wanna take a sleigh ride,
The ride's on me."

Here comes Suzy Snowflake;
Look at her tumblin' down,
Bringing joy to ev'ry girl and boy;
Suzy's come to town.

darker...

2007-11-29T15:14:00.001-05:00

its beginning to get darker. not just on earth... but me too. i need some sun before i sink into a hole.

i need an outlet...

2007-11-27T17:32:00.000-05:00

so i started working for a health care facility that has a lot patients who don't make it. it's hard for family, friends, doctors, nurses, and yes, even us clinical assistants.

recently, a lot of our beloved patients have passed away. i am a people person. i am a get to know you and your family and love you person. i hug. i cry and i hurt. and right now, i am hurting. i am hurting because i do not know how to deal with the pain. i don't know how to handle another soul leaving this earth, never to light up their families lives, never to play with grandchildren, teach anyone any more, all the things we take for granted.

at first, i took to crying and eating chicken nuggets at McDonald's. then i took to pretending that i had a thick skin. i wasn't upset, nope, not me. then, i took my pain to j.p. licks. i cried while ordering my oreo cake batter. the poor ice cream dude took pity on me, and the ice cream was on the house. today however, i don't want ice cream, i don't want McDonald's, i don't want to pretend it doesn't exist - i want closure and to move on.

i don't know how though. and it sucks... looks like j.p. licks or McDonald's will comfort me tonight.

yes, i am alive...

2007-11-14T14:04:00.000-05:00

it is true that i have sadly neglected you blog... but it is not because i don't love you blog... it's because my life has become a whirlwind and have had no time to really sit and write.

i hate today off due to the emergence of an awful migraine and decided to atleast update.

I have started a new job at a local health care facility. I am a clinical assistant and love every minute of it. I work with amazing people... the nurses and patients alike are some of the most amazing and smart people i have ever met. It's great.

I am also taking three classes which i thought i could handle, but it turns out that i can't. Microbiology, Anatomy & Physiology and Statistics - oy! I am doing alright, but not the best... i could definitely do better... so we'll see.

so yeah. busy me. i'll get back into the blogging when my life slows down a bit.

halloween

2007-10-31T09:43:00.000-04:00

I also won most appropriate costume... seeing that it was game 3 of the World Series...

it's not funny...

2007-09-02T14:07:00.000-04:00

Supposedly God has a sense of humor.
Right now, I don't think He's very funny.
At all.

remember....

2007-08-29T09:11:00.000-04:00

It's been 2 years since Hurricane Katrina hit the United States and devastated the gulf coast. It was horrible 2 years ago, a horrible a year ago, and still is today. I ask you not to forget and continue to help down in NOLA.

Join programs like Habitat for Humanity, Common Ground relief, Acorn... Check out CNN's Impact Your World (http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2007/impact/).

Just do something.

Make new friends....

2007-08-23T22:09:00.000-04:00

but keep the old, one is silver and the others' green??

Can you be a christian feminist?

2007-08-17T10:56:00.000-04:00

I have recently been reading this wonderful book titled Full Frontal Feminism. Its a delightful read on the modern age feminist, what she's like, what's she's into, and what makes a feminist. There is large discussion over the idea that a majority of people think feminism is dead and that we've done all we can do.

Once I got into the book I realized that with topics such as sex, reproductive rights, equal rights in the work place, violence etc... i realized that yes, I am most certainly a feminist. However, there are issues that are in complete contradiction with being a Faithful Christian.

Most of these issues center on the topics of sex and reproductive rights, yet a little spills in to the equality in the work place (there are some people out there still believing the place for a woman is barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen). I am appalled that there are states out there creating laws that allow pharmacists and hospitals to refuse care based on personal and religious beliefs.

I believe in birth control, emergency contraception and medically necessary abortions. I believe in being confident in yourself and if you are sexually active, not being called a slut because you are not married. I think women should be able to choose what they want to do with themselves, job, life, etc... And I don't think that because I am a woman, my choices should be looked down upon and severely examined. I don't think in an instance of rape, a woman should be asked to go to another hospital if she wants EC, or told that because she was wearing a short skirt she deserved it. I also believe in Jesus Christ. I believe in prayer and I believe in purity. I believe in repentance which is key and i believe in salvation.

S0 how do these two worlds mix? For a long time I have been caught between two worlds unable to decide which I'd rather submit fully to. There are times that I want to put my liberal side first and say this is what I believe, but then I pray, witness a miracle, or something along the Faithful side of me, and i fall back to wanting my Christian side to take the helm. But I know that I can't really do both to be a good Christian.

or can i?

HA!

2007-08-14T12:35:00.000-04:00

I was getting off the train today at North Station when I was abruptly pushed by a large girl (at least, she was larger than me, probably by 70lbs). She said to me, "Get your skinny ass out of my way bitch!" The large girl most likely meant it to be rude, mean and condescending.

I took it as a compliment, ha!

Giardians Unite!

2007-08-01T15:39:00.001-04:00

a woman in my office, talking quite loudly, stated that she had giardia while in Peru. She is now going on for about 20 minutes discussing what things to take or not take. All of which could've been helpful while in NOLA.

i guess we giardians are everywhere.

Self Realization & Discovery

2007-07-31T10:52:00.000-04:00

Regret is an intelligent (and/or emotional) dislike for personal past acts and behaviors. Regret is often felt when someone feels sadness, shame, or guilt after committing an action or actions that the person later wishes that he or she had not done. Regret is distinct from guilt, which is a deeply emotional form of regret — one which may be difficult to comprehend in an objective or conceptual way. In this regard, the concept of regret is subordinate to guilt in terms of its "emotional power." By comparison, shame typically refers to the social (rather than personal) aspect of guilt or (in minor context) regret as imposed by the society or culture (enforcement of ethics, morality), which has substantial bearing in matters of (personal and social) honor.

Regret can describe not only the dislike for an action that has been committed, but also, importantly, regret of inaction. Many people find themselves wishing that they had done something in a past situation.
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regret_(emotion)

I heart wikipedia. This was one of the greatest definitions i have been able to find.

I have been recently been digging through my mind and its cozy little nooks, and pulling things out that I have given second guesses to. A majority of things have slipped under the radar as merely "mistakes of my youth". I haven't deemed them bad enough to actually attach an emotion to them.

However, one such action/event/occurrence (and yes, the offense repeats as well) struck me, as it has never before. I can't disclose all the gory details, partly, because I am still working through this, and partly because it can affect others. I am not sure if its my new found sense of self, that I look at myself differently, or if its due to merely a mix of hormones, but I have begun to regret my past.

I am not completely sure what sparked this new notion. I recognize this new found feeling as dealing with some thing on a direct violation of my initial true desires in life. Perhaps that is why I was thinking about it. I believe I was thinking about my life's hopes and dreams, and how a large part of them have crashed before me, starting with this one particular falling.

When I was younger I was convinced of this:

That I would have met my loved one in college. We would've gotten married by the time I was 24 and he would've been my only one. By the time I was 26 I would've landed a phenomenal anchor position or at least a producer, while my husband was either a teacher or a youth minister and we had a fabulous church life. If i chose to go back to grad school, that would've been fine, but not necessarily the top priority in my life, which would've been starting a family. By the time I was 30 I'd have at least 2 children, and one of them out of diapers.

HA! That is completely wrong! I am not any of those things or in any position to have any of those things. And honestly, that makes me slightly sad. It does make me wonder where things fell.

I am starting to recognize my actions as more than just things that I do. They have consequences, results. They affect other people at times as well. Sure if I eat my bag of carrots for lunch or choose to get chocolate from the vending machine that might not necessarily have an affect on someone, however, what I do behind closed doors does (yes, I'm getting a little risque here). Perhaps my new self is recognizing my spirit a little more and I am worried about how my actions will affect my future (here on earth and above - hopefully above, i would not want to be below).

I am learning that although regret is a valid emotion, it is empty. There is not much you can actually do about the regret you face. It's over and done, and really you can't go back. But what I can do, is go forward. I can change things as I continue my journey in life. I can stick to my guns and not let someone sweet talk me in to mischief. You know who you are, no more mischief!!

Mean Girl...

2007-07-27T10:22:00.000-04:00

blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

Apparently, i am on the track of blogging about what we discussed in bible study the night before. I think this is a good thing, because it's helping me see parts of myself that i am not sure i have really looked at before.

At the beginning of group, we talked about the differences of Mercy and Grace. I have still not yet grasped the concept, but i thought these interpretations were good:

Mercy is when you aren't given what you do deserve and
grace is what you are given when you don't deserve it.

I feel like the definitions of these words are hard. I said last night for me, when I hear mercy, all i can think of is being kids, and having someone twist your arm until you call for "mercy" or uncle. But in these definitions, I can begin to see some separation.

After a few examples of mercy and grace, our pastor talked about the necessity of the combination of mercy and forgiveness. He brought up that when someone has wronged you, you then hold a type of power over them. Most of us choose to turn that power into a search for justice for rights to be wronged. But until we offer mercy, we can not truly forgive the other. It is easy for us to point out the flaws in others. We can sit back and say, I'm better because i didn't do such and such. However, it isn't until we realize that that type of self-righteousness is just as damaging as the original transgression that we can offer true mercy.

As we discussed this, i realized that for myself, this was very true in the case of Patterson. Four years, he said I'm sorry to me. Over and over, apologizing for his wrongs against me. All i ever said back to him, was you don't get it, you hurt me, you did me wrong, you hurt me... All i wanted was justice, for him to see and feel the pain he caused me all these years. I wanted to see that he "got" how hurt i was, that he could feel his heart ripped out and torn in to pieces. I wanted justice, i wanted the situation to be "righted".

blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

My fight for justice began to crack in November when I visited him for the first time in four years. I was able to ask him questions, and see on his face how much it pained him to tell me the truth. I was able to see how truly sorry he was for the pain he caused. I could see it on his heart. But i still wasn't over anything, i still held it, in this quiet power, that no one but me knew about.

I don't really know what is was in June. I can't pin point it quite exactly, other then i remember many conversations surrounding forgiveness. The most influential followed along the lines of saying the one who does not forgive is just as sinful as the one who originally sinned. For a bit I laughed that off, but then i realized that it is true. My heart was turning colder and colder, and spiritually, i wasn't going to grow, until I let it go. I also realized, that not forgiving someone, especially after they had apologized is causing damage on that person. They need to hear that they have been forgiven, or else they will wander about with this weight of sin, and that is not fair either.

My Aha moment came, and I wrote Patterson a note. In that note, I apologized for being the mean girl I am, and told him that finally, after years, I have truly forgiven him. Me having this "power" was not doing anyone good, and was certainly not making our relationship any healthier. I knew it could only grow if we pruned the bad parts off and that meant me starting with a completely clean slate.

blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

Our pastor said that I showed great mercy. I am not quite sure how i feel about that. I guess i could make up this picture in my head of Patterson stomping on my toe, and then saying sorry, but i can muster up is to twist his arm until he screams mercy. I think in our instance, God screamed Mercy. He said it needed to be given, and I finally came to understand what it meant.

All I hope and pray for now is God's Grace to be cast upon Patterson and I. Perhaps we can be granted Godly things that we may not deserve and be spared the things we do. I pray that I am shown mercy, that I am spared being ridiculed for having been so mean and selfish. But that all comes in God's time I guess...

blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

Badges of Honor.

2007-07-24T13:20:00.000-04:00

Badges of honor

Part historic preservation, part act of defiance, the spray-painted markings of Katrina rescue workers remain prominently displayed on many reoccupied New Orleans homes.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Chris Rose

X marks the spot. And the spot is everywhere.

Two years later, the hieroglyphs of catastrophe still deface the city's surviving housing stock like some demented 90-square-mile contest of post-diluvian tic-tac-toe. X, zero, X, zero, ad infinitum.

Hurricane Katrina seemed to unloose the closeted spray paint taggers among the ranks of our military and animal rescue communities. Some used restraint in their duties, making small, tight Xs with only necessary coded information therein -- date, division, dead, moving counter-clockwise from the top.

Others, particularly some animal folks, wandered off course and a handwriting analyst might find delusions of grandeur in some of the oversized lettering and urgency of their painted scrawlings.

Imagine coming back to New Orleans from exile -- to a home that suffered neither wind nor water damage -- only to be faced with a $6,000 exterior paint job because some well-meaning but overzealous grad student on leave from Swarthmore branded CAT UNDER HOUSE in red 2,000-point type across the front of your house.

In retrospect, there was something almost biblical about those markings on all the front doors around here, posting notice of who was spared and who was not.

And that is why, perhaps, many in the region who have moved back into their homes and gotten on with their lives have purposely preserved the markings left behind by those who patrolled our streets while we cowered elsewhere in front of televisions wondering what fate would be ours.

The sun has bleached out many of the markings with a Southern exposure all this time later. But many remain brightly resplendent in the full array of Crayola color selections employed by the National Guard.

All of this came to mind recently as I began to notice the contrast in glyph preservation among area neighborhoods.

Bywater seems to be the largest preserve of the crisis markings, more than, say, Lakeview or Broadmoor or anywhere else where most occupied homes have received full makeovers.

Perhaps it's due to the somewhat bohemian tilt of the Bywater neighborhood, with its cultivated affection for the offbeat, the unusual and the just plain weird.

I randomly knocked on David Peltier's door on Montegut Street to inquire of the status of his remaining glyph, inscribed "9/6" (that it was 2005 goes without saying) and "Tx," the signature of the Texas Guard.

"You don't like our mark of distinction?" he asked sarcastically. Then, on a more serious note, he said: "It's part of our history now. It would be hard to just wipe it away. It's unique to this city."

As an afterthought he also noted: "And besides, it's orange," a comment which left me puzzled until he held open his front door to reveal an interior design dominated by . . . everything orange.

Peltier's neighbor down the block, Robert LaGrange, said complacency and budget play a role in the neighborhood glyph preservation.

"I noticed that a lot of homes around here were painted just before the storm," he said. "I guess like a lot of folks around here, I'll just let mine fade away on its own."

Farther down the block, at the corner of Montegut and Chartres, the glass sculptor Mitchell Gaudet's home is adorned with an iron replica of the existing glyph, superimposed over the original painted marking, a bold statement of intent to never let the memory fade away.

Memory is why Ellen Murdock kept her yellow-orange signature of the California Guard on her house on Vincennes Place in Fontainebleau.

"When people come to my house, especially friends from out of town, they say: 'Oh, you've got to get rid of that,' " she said. "I tell them: Katrina changed my life. I'm in no hurry to get rid of it. It's a reminder of what happened, and when I look at it every time I walk in my door, I definitely think about what it all means.

"Then my friends see the same marks on all the other houses and it really brings home the message of what happened here. I'm just glad there are zeros on it and not a 1," she added, a reference to the ominous number reserved for the bottom space of the X marking, the space that denotes how many bodies were found inside the house.

It stands in good reason that few such markings will be preserved for posterity's sake.

Edward Rogers, over on Delachaise Street in Broadmoor, will have none of this talk of nostalgia. He whitewashed his two glyphs, content to leave white blobs on his house rather than all those cryptic messages.

"It was sickening looking at it," he said. "Disgusting. Those Xs and Ys and whatever; they did a whole lot of unnecessary writing. I don't want that on my house. I don't want to remember that. I don't need a souvenir."

He paused to consider the preservation rationales offered by those living in Bywater. And then he spit contemptuously.

"History!?" he said. "The man that told you that -- they need to send him to a psychiatrist."

. . . . . . .

Columnist Chris Rose can be reached at chris.rose@timespicayune.com; or at (504) 352-2535 or (504) 826-3309.

Potterpalloza!

2007-07-23T09:41:00.000-04:00

Marian and I had our books reserved, well ahead of time. We had discussed going to Upstairs on the Square for their special “Harry Potter” feast, but unfortunately, when I went to make reservations, we realized, that we had missed the opportunity as they were booked from 5pm – 1am!
Friday, we began our endeavor. We met up surprisingly at Downtown Crossing around 4:45pm. We walked out the doors and on to the side walk of Hogwart's Square (aka Harvard Square) at 5:05pm and the line for our reserved wrist band had already formed from the Coop’s Alley entry, towards Border Café, around to the Body Shop and down in front of the Main Entrance of the Coop. We, of course, were quite towards the end. The rules clearly stated no line could form before 4:30, but I highly doubt that is what happened. While in line, we tried to befriend those in front and behind us. It was going to be a long wait, why not be friendly. However, the guys in front of us smelled something awful and the kids behind us had no interest in talking to us.

The line moved in spurts due to the tyrannical nature of the Movie Theatre which “needed” 15 feet of space clear so that patrons could get in to the theatre. Sorry folks – no one is going to see your movies today!

At this same time, we kept calling Crimson to see if we should pick up her wrist band. She never responded. We called a lot of times. And then we started to text message.

FINALLY, we made it to the wrist bands. We had to pass men with too much power that kept yelling stay to the left (which I whole-heartedly ignored) and the very l-a-r-g-e man who told us which line to go in (which I whole-heartedly listened too, he could’ve killed me with his fist). Marian got her wrist band and Crimsons, I got mine, and we were off to find food. It was now about 7:40pm. Crimson finally got back to us, letting us know she was in NH and would hopefully make it by 12

We ate at Flat Patty’s which I must say, I don’t hate, but I don’t love. They had a nifty cheesecake burrito thingy that was scrumptious. We then had our complimentary hand treatment at LUSH and then decided to get some dessert before we needed to get on line again at 10 to actually get our books at 12:01. Finale was having special Harry Potter products such as “Dark Lord Decadence” and “Magical Molten something”. Unfortunately the waitress wasn’t so in to this theme and called them by their regular names. They were wonderful and rich and fantastic, and yummy…. At 9:40pm we figured we should head over to prepare to get on line.

By the time we went from Finale to the Coop, the line was already from the Coop’s main entrance down to the Body Shop. I kept saying, “at least we haven’t turned around too many corners. It’s almost a straight shot!” We did make friends with those behind us, Joanna and Emily. Very nice girls and we had fun doing the HP puzzles and what not. Crimson had arrived around 11:30ish – maybe a little later – with her beau. He’s not a huge HP fan so he wanted out as soon as possible. He wandered around by Curious George and other book stores and then called Crimson and said “I think the news stand is selling them”. We all laughed it off.

12:01 struck and there were 4 count-downs because no one has the correct time! The line moved a little bit as fans rushed in to buy their books. At 12:10 (maybe) the Beau appeared with 2 tote bags containing 2 books each! He had gotten them from the new stand!!!!!!

Marian and I, although excited, were also quite frustrated. We had stood on line for 5 hours!! And they had been at the news stand! What?! But we had our books, so we were happy as well. It was quite a confusing time. We left our new friends and Beau drove us home where we both promptly began reading.

I feel asleep about 30 or so pages in. At 8:00 am I felt awake enough to continue the 759 page book. I finished at 1pm. Marian finished at about 8pm. Both of us having been drained from reading so much headed to IHOP for some grub and then hit the sack as soon we got home.

I know you are asking was it worth it? I have to say, I might never do it again, but the experience was 100% worth it. There is nothing else like it. Seeing people so dedicated to something they love so much. Yes. It was worth it.

And the book was great!

hungry, so hungry.

2007-07-20T09:43:00.001-04:00

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.

We have been re-studying the Sermon on the Mount in bible study. Every week, we get in to heated, intellectual discussions revolving around how we interpret different verses. Usually, they are hard to interpret. We have all these discussions about what does poor in spirit mean? or does meek mean weak or quite, docile? Do you have to be all these things? or are they some type of check list in life... something we hope to achieve before we enter through the gates.

For me, some of these verses, seem almost too simple to question or interpret. I have a hard time speaking up in group because I don't always feel comfortable, or confident in my response. However, when it comes to this specific verse, I am 100% confident in how I feel.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.

In my head and heart, I define righteousness as a synonym for justice. Other definitions include bring in accordance with virtue or morality, adhering to moral principles, the quality or state of being just or rightful, morally upright; without guilt or sin, etc....

This verse to me is almost the backbone of who I am. I believe that those of us, who seek for righteousness, who seek justice in a world that seems upside, in heaven, will be satisfied, will be fulfilled because the wrongs will be righted. Everyone will be on one playing field.

What is strange to me, is that this idea of being hungry, starving even for righteousness or justice is foreign to most people. Daily, I hunger for food, but never do I hunger for food as much I hunger for "the right thing" to be done today. I seek the good every day and am defeated by the bad, by the unjust, the immoral.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.

We were asked at the end of study, what areas in our character do we long to be more righteous and what areas of society to we long to see righteousness - and how do we achieve those? For me, I wanted to answer that in my character, I lack the faith side of righteousness. I seek social justice always. I want to fix the worlds injustices, I want to right the wrongs.

And I have always wanted to do that. It's just who I am. And to my knowledge, its how most people I know are. Or so I thought. I was shocked to hear one member of the group say that his initial reaction to most things, is to think of himself, how it affects him (will it benefit him? what would he get out of it). I was blown away that a group dedicated to working on the Common, forming relationships with those who are most poor in the city, we had members who thought this way. I could not, and still can not wrap my head around it.

I think that's when I realized how different I was. I realized that I see things completely different from most people out there. My initial response to almost anything is how can I fix it? What can I give to make it better for this person, cause, problem, etc...? How there are people who don't feel that on a constant basis is so foreign to me, so "out there". Why is compassion not their first response? Why do they not feel always compelled to do things for other, and place themselves second? What makes me do that?

Despite my lacking in faithful righteousness, I feel as though my works filled with selflessness, love and compassion perhaps make up for that. At times I feel less of a Christian because when I do things for others, I am not doing it because I am a Christian. Instead, I am one who does, and happens to be faithful. My faith does not bring me to do this - or does it?

Our pastor commented on being faithfully righteous. Because we are Christians, because we believe, we are already "right" with God. I am assured, through Christ, that in Heaven, I will be satisfied from the emptiness, defeat and hunger I feel now. And until then, I will continue to hunger and thirst for the earthly righteousness deserved by all, because in my heart of hearts, that is what we are called to do.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.

I've been down and out...

2007-07-19T10:00:00.000-04:00

I've been having a lot of trouble lately staying afloat. Job searches, Chem tests, boys and life have been dragging me down like a cement block. As much as i try to put a positive spin on most things, i still have this creeping darkness that over comes whatever silver lining i seem to find. In the end it will be ok, and I know that to some degree. Everyone keeps saying, just think when you find that job, it will be one of the most perfect jobs for you (the same thing applies for those silly boys).

I guess what i need is patience. I can't seem to be satisfied with the things infront of me. I should be happy that i have a wonderful temp job at Oxfam - its an organization i highly respect and love (and the people here are wonderful).

I should be content with my singleness. It means not figuring out who will pay for dinner and what thing we're going to on Saturday and whose house we'll stay at. It's the ultimate freedom. And yet, i am still seeking. I made the decision to stay single after a date, and really, i am good with that decision. It's just hard to see people out and about with their loved ones. Just because i choose to be single right now doesn't mean i don't desire relationships. If that makes any sense.

My classes are going well, but is that going to be enough to actually get me in to grad school? Will i succeed and do the thing i really want, become a nurse, or are the struggles to get there going to wear me down to the point where i can not go on?

Its sounds so lame when i write it here, but i don't care, because this is me, and where I'm at. So what if I'm a little lame (or a lot lame). You'll all still be my friends? Right?

Jesus loves bikers too....

2007-07-02T13:32:00.000-04:00

Saturday, i went to Ali's family's house to help out with a party. Ali's dad last year had gotten in to a motorcycle accident, and was in bad shape. Thanks to the medical team and friends and family, he pulled though, and is back on the bike. The party was to thank everyone for all the support given over the past year. A lot of people from their church and his christian biker group came over to partake in the festivities.

Ali and I also had wedding cupcakes to drop off. So we piled in the car, with 100 cupcakes, and a large flaming sheet cake in tow. Our neighbor commented on how we always go to parties, and that we must be cool. Ali and I laughed at that, if he only knew we thought.

We headed out on 93 to Hanson. On our way, we saw a Jeep get in to an accident. His tire blew, and he was only about 100 feet behind us. Thankfully we were far enough away and he controlled his vehicle as best as possible, no other cars were involved.

We arrived in Hanson about 10:30. Ali's mom said she had been waiting since 8am for us to get there. We expected there to be a TON of work to do, but in reality, a few veggies needed to be cut, and a few of the snacks needed to be put out on the tables, along with tablecloths and cutlery. Once we were done with that, Ali and I played on the trampolined for a good 30 minutes. It's really fun and not something i ever had growing up. I feared falling off like so many of those "funny home videos" i've seen.

Water balloons were our next task. We filled up about 70. It was hard work surprisingly. Guests began to arrive shortly there after. Ali and i were eventually assigned to food duty, her on the bbq, and me making sure everything was stocked. The food was fantastic and plentiful. Ali can make me a hot dog any old day. We eventually brought out the first batch of water balloons which went fairly quickly and Ali and i were back to making more. The second fight was quite excellent, barely anyone left dry!

We cleaned up, did a little more trampoline and wiffle ball and then i was taken out on the bike with Ali's dad. I LOVED IT. I was nervous at first, but once we got on the road, i thought it was so much fun. The faster he went the more i smiled! It was fantastic.

The ride sadly ended, Ali and i dropped off the cupcakes at Stinch's and we headed home where we slept forever. It was a great Saturday.

PS - please pray for Stinch's little sister who is at Children's hospital for an inflamed liver and gallbladder including gallstones. She is young and scared. Guide the medical staff to do their job thoroughly and swiftly.

cup-cake-mania amoung other things...

2007-07-02T13:24:00.000-04:00

Sometimes at "work", I have time to do unnecessary on-line research about random things, like cupcakes. I have found them to be my new hobby and want to make many, many cupcakes, all different styles and decors.

My dear Marian was having a rough week, so i decided to try to calm her down with a relaxing Friday at home. This included her all time favorite chicken parmigiana calzone and special snack of scallops as well as freshly made cupcakes by moi. And then a movie, Best of Show.

The calzone and scallops were easy, all i had to do was call a number and they would come! I got to work on the cupcakes right away. I was making s'more cupcakes. This included a graham cracker bottom, a hershey kiss in the middle of the vanilla/graham cracker cake topped with marshmallow frosting with sprinkled graham crackers. There were a few issues. The graham cracker bottom didn't stick very well, sadly. It makes a mess every time you eat it. I feel as though there is not enough chocolate (i am thinking of substituting the vanilla cake for chocolate next time). And lastly, the marshmallow frosting is a bit too much sugar. I think i could've gotten away with less sugar added. Otherwise, they are delightful!

Marian, John and I ate our food and watched Best of Show to which John kept falling asleep and finally left and went to bed. Marian and i tried to watch a second movie, but both fell asleep. When i woke up, i had believed it was unbelievably late, when in actuality, it was only 10:30. I went to bed anyway. 'Cause I'm cool like that.

it's not you, it's me - for real.

2007-06-27T09:55:00.000-04:00

It's me. It's seriously all me.

Most of you know that this hippie has been whining all to much about being lonely, and single, and sad, and blah blah blah. So I put an ad on Craigslist. For those of you who don't know much about Craigslist, it is a meca of all things needed - apartments, furniture, jobs, pets, erotic excitement, auditions for a cappella groups, and of course, relationships.

Part of me thought hesitantly about position for fear that despite my desire to move on, maybe my heart really wasn't ready. I figured though the best thing was to move on to someone else, and forget about the past. Forget about what I used to have, and go out there and get something new.

I put an ad up and got some delightful responses (some i must admit were r-a-u-n-c-h-y). So i responded to the polite ads. A guy "named" Opie responded. Opie was so very friendly via e-mail, quick witted on im, and beyond belief pleasant during text messages. I thought, great! This will be good. We set up a time and place to meet, and I got cold feet. I didn't want to go through with it. Wasn't sure why, i just felt uncomfortable. I attributed it to nerves and continued with the plan. As yesterday evening approached, i felt more awful and uncomfortable about the whole situation, but i attempted to put on a great face.

I planted myself at Starbucks, and arrived early enough to begin working on my lab. Opie arrived and was SO nice. We had an hour of awkward, first time conversation spanning from how terrible chemistry class is to Ann Margaret rolling around in baked beans in the movie version of Tommy. There were pleasentries exchanged, and all in all it went ok, minus the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew something was wrong, something was off, and it wans't him at all. It was me.

Opie left with optimism in his eyes. As soon as he walked out the door, i knew that i had done wrong. I had pushed it too far. Feelings were invovled and i needed to stop now. On my way home I cried, and sobbed. I was filled with frustration, sadness, and anger. And not at anyone but myself. I realized I can't be with someone else, i can't give my heart to someone, i can't even pretend to give my heart when i know deep down I am not ready for that.

I received the sweetest email from Opie this morning.

I had a great time tonight meeting with you. You didn't come off as nervous at all, in fact I thought you were really cute. I was wondering if you wanted to goto the movie at the Boston Harbor Hotel this Friday?

I responded explaining first that i had to help Ali with cupcakes on Friday night. Then i went into my saga of life hoping he might thing i was being honest and not just an asshole.

So I stand alone (like the cheese in the song). And for the first time, ever. I'm ok with that decision. I am honest with myself. I am not able to move on, and i know that. If I am honest with myself, things can change. I am admitting an issue, I will be taking steps to change. And it looks like, for now, it's just me, and that's just fine.

update: i got another email from Opie. Could the guy be any nicer? (the email is edited of course)

First off, you are not an ass, not by a long shot...It’s still a little tough to think about it but I feel I’m ready to move on and meet some new people. I know you are not ready right now to go out with other people now, but if and when you are ready let me know. So what do we do now? I do like talking with you and like I said it was good meeting you last night, but I don’t want to make this any harder on you.

To-do list of sorts...

2007-06-26T13:22:00.001-04:00

I've got some free time, now that I'm temping here at MIT. Today, I was on boston.com looking at their summer suggestions for under $25. That for me is perfect. I was thinking of a few things i wanted to do, and thought i would share them with you. This is also an open invitation to do these with me. We can set up a time and go forth!!

1. Made by Me Pottery in Harvard Square. Rumor has it you choose the piece you want to work on ($3.00 - $40.00) and than paint ($4.00 per half hour). They with throw it and when it's done it is dishwasher and microwave safe!

2. Boston Nature Conservatory. I've heard good things about this place, escpecially for picture taking. A $2.00 donation is asked.

3. South Street Diner. I've been before with Marian and John, but would like to go back. You know, for an actual midnight meal. It could be fun, especially since they have carafes of sangria.

4. Kayaking on the Charles. Seems quite exciting. They also have canoeing. A single kayak for one hour is $14, and for the whole day is $56. I think next year a season pass might be worth the $265.

5. Coolidge Theatre. I love this theatre. I feel as though i should invest more in local business. No more AMC, but more Coolidge and Somerville Theatres.

6. Shopping in the South End. Perhaps i don't need to shop, but I would like to spend more time in the South End. It's such a pretty area, and i hear there are good markets.

7. Boston Harbor Islands. Let's go camping! Or for a picnic, frisbee, hiking, etc... The boat ride (round trip) is only $10.

8. B-side lounge. They have fondue. Let's go. Now.

9. ICA has free Thursday night entry. Who says i can't skip bible study for a little culture right?

10. Free Friday Night Flicks at the Hatch Shell. Here's what is playing:

June 22 : Night at the Museum
July 6: Shrek (2) i believe.
July 13 : Over the Hedge (one of my personal favorite movies thanks to Patterson)
July 20: Harry Potter - no clue which one. Hopefully NOT the one with the spiders
July 27: Ice Age 2 (another one of Patterson & my favorites!)
August 3 : Back to the Future!
August 10: “The King of Rock and Roll” falls in love in the entertainment
capitol of the world (no clue what movie that is)
August 17: The Wizard of Oz
August 24: Happy Feet (REALLY want to see this!)
August 31: Charlotte's Web

11. Movies by Moonlight at the Boston Harbor Hotel. Here's what's playing:

June 22:Roman Holiday
June 29: Goodbye Mr. Chips
July 6:Vertigo
July 13: To Kill A Mockingbird
July20: The Philadelphia Story
July 27: Inherit The Wind
August 3rd: A Man For All Seasons
August 10: Invasion Of The Body Snatchers
August 17: The Best Years Of Our Lives
August 24: Citizen Kane
August 31:The Thin Man

12. Free Concert's in Copley Square. Really, i'm interested in just one. Matt Nathanson, whom i love is coming on August 16th. The only issue is that it's a Thursday. Boo!

13. Sam Adams Tour. Tours and tastings occur on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays from noon to 3 p.m., Fridays from noon to 5:30 p.m., and Saturdays between 11 a.m. and 3 p.m., starting every half hour. Similarly, Harpoon Brewery hosts tastings Tuesday through Thursday at 4 p.m., Friday from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., and on Saturdays at noon, 2 p.m., and 4 p.m.

Umm... what?

2007-06-25T13:18:00.000-04:00

So, I started a temp job at MIT. It's with the Nobel Prize winning man, Dr. Phillip Sharp.

Dr. Phillip A. Sharp, currently Institute Professor, joined the Center for Cancer Research at MIT in 1974 and served as its Director for six years, from 1985 to 1991, before taking over as Head of the Department of Biology, a position he held for the next eight years. More recently, he was Founding Director of the McGovern Institute, a position he held from 2000 to 2004. Dr. Sharp’s research interests have centered on the molecular biology of gene expression relevant to cancer and the mechanisms of RNA splicing. His landmark work (1977) provided one of the first indications of the startling phenomenon of “discontinuous genes” in mammalian cells. This discovery, which fundamentally changed scientists' understanding of the structure of genes, earned Dr. Sharp the 1993 Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine. His lab has now turned its attention to understanding how RNA molecules act as switches to turn genes on and off (RNA interference). These newly discovered processes have revolutionized cell biology and could potentially generate a new class of therapeutics. Dr. Sharp has authored over 350 scientific papers. His work has earned him numerous cancer research awards and presidential and national scientific board appointments. He is elected member of the National Academy of Sciences, the Institute of Medicine, the American Philosophical Society, and the American Academy of Arts and Sciences. He is also the recipient of the National Medal of Science and the Inaugural Double Helix Medal for Scientific Research from Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory. Dr. Sharp earned a B.A. degree from Union College, KY, and a PhD in chemistry from the University of Illinois. In 1978 he co-founded Biogen (now Biogen Idec), in 2002, he co-founded Alnylam Pharmaceuticals, an early-stage therapeutics company, and in 2006, he co-founded Magen Biosciences Inc., a biotechnology company developing agents to promote the health of human skin. He serves on the boards of all three companies.

All around me, in the hall are different labs. I see students running around with dry ice, and different chemicals... occasionally wearing full gear (robe, gloves, and mask). It's all quite entertaining and interesting to me.

The best however, occurred moments ago. Everyone is off at their lab luncheon. A man in a white lab coat, wearing goggles, and gloves came in to my office and said "i am supposed to pick up the radioactive material, could you tell me where it is in here?"

I looked quite stunned apparently because he then said, "this is an office, not a lab, huh?" He called down to his supervisor and indeed there was a typo on his pick-up sheet. It was supposed to be e-17-528, not e-17-529.

duh.

Howzyamomma'an'dem?

2007-06-19T14:06:00.000-04:00

You Might be from New Orleans If ...

- You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"

- Every so often, you have waterfront property.

- When giving directions you use words like "uptown," "downtown," "backatown," "riverside," "lakeside," "other side of the bayou" or "other side of the levee."

- When you refer to a geographical location "way up North," you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold."

- You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it. (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya)

- You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.

- You know the definition of "dressed."

- The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab, and King Cake.

- You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

- You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.

- Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.

- You describe a color as "K&B Purple."

- You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.

S&M and Cuddling?

2007-06-15T11:32:00.000-04:00

So, after only 4 weeks of training, I took my final, and aced it. Yes, folks, I am now a Certified Nursing Assistant. Next week i have to take the state licensing test which rumor has it can be difficult - but i am confident in myself and friends that we will practice and pass. Speaking of which, any one free on Wednesday and wants to be my actor? Maybe i'll get you lunch (doubtfully though since i have no money!).

We went out after bible study, as usually, but with a little celebration. Crimson was telling us a story about a student she tutors. The girl is taking human sexuality and the article that was being discussed was about S & M and explanations of why different types of people enjoy it. Things along the line of gay men feel extreme masculinity or something along those lines. Apparently, there was also a pie chart with different S&M activities. Some of those listed included fisting, rimming, and water sports. The poor girl was utterly mortified and confused. Dear Crimson had to explain what each activity was and how they were applicable to the topic of conversation. As we're all discussing this in UNO's (myself, Crimson, Marian and Sean), Sean's face seems a bit in shock and he blurts out "Does no one cuddle anymore!?". We thought it was the most hilarious statements and i felt that i wanted to share.

Just so you know, Sean, the cuddling comes after the water sports. {wink}

I LOVE BEING A CNA!!!!!!!

2007-06-11T21:03:00.000-04:00

This morning i was nervous. More nervous then i have been for an audition, for a job interview, for anything. Today was my first day of clinical. The life of some cute elderly lady was going to be in my hands. I thought for a bit, perhaps this was a mistake, maybe i can't do it...

I met Amy at Dunkin' and we headed to Central Square to meet up with Mere, who would be driving us. Before we left Mere's house, her adorable son says "mommy, you forgot something". We all wait and see what it is and he runs in to the kitchen and grabs her stethoscope and wishes us a good day! Perhaps he had wished us the luck we needed.

We arrived at the Nursing Home and had our tour. I have to stay i am quite disappointed in the nursing home status. There were supplies missing, the floors were very dirty and don't even get me started on the shower room, ew. We made do.

Mere and i were given assignments first. We were going to work in the same room with different residents. We were so thankful to at least have each other just a curtain away! We started collecting whatever supplies we could. My resident is a talker, and i think that is why Maris gave her to me. She is very sweet. She is pretty independent. Years ago she had a cerebral vascular accident, cva (aka, a stroke) so she is paralyzed on her right side. Maris knows the one thing i can't remember is how to dress a person with a weak side. I believe i have to put on the weak side first, take off the strong side first. I gave her a bed bath, got her dressed and to the bathroom and ready to go down to see her friends. I was so proud of myself. I for sure thought I wouldn't be able to do it. But i did, and i think i did it well.

The rest of the day consisted of helping other folks getting their resident's up and ready since mine is fairly independent and making lots of beds. I had one tiny mishap where i miss judged how far i pulled down my residents briefs and we then had to change her again, but that was my fault.

I am so happy because i know this what i am supposed to do. It fits, completely. All other things in my life may be swirling around in chaos, but this, this is right.

what is this i'm feeling?

2007-06-09T00:34:00.001-04:00

I am sometimes surprised by my emotions. Maybe tonight i'm tired. Maybe i'm pmsing and so i am extra emotional, but whatever it is... i am emotional and confused and sad.

As some of you may know, Patterson is out in Colorado with a program called Training Ground. He has been searching for years to figure out who he was, which for me is hard to believe because i have always loved who he is/was, even when he was ripping my heart out and i felt as though i was being broken in to a million pieces. I came out of it, still loving that dumb kid. I am not sure that i will ever stop, and that's just how it is.

So, he's in Colorado, and most of men in this program are writing blogs. He started to write one, and i commented, adding a quick little joke. Everyone else has written since then, except him. Part of me is worried that i might have interfered where i shouldn't have. And now he won't post.

The other part of me is worried. I miss talking to him and hearing how things are going and it sucks to not be able to call him up and say "how is your day today? did you climb to the top of some mountain?". Instead, i hear random things from the other guys blogs.

I think what annoys me most is how my heart is reacting. I thought I had moved on. I thought i had made amends and gotten on, but I seem to still be stuck in the same place. Still yearning to be close to him, to be his friend and to be involved. I am praying for him, and i am sure he knows that, but i seek more and its hard because, its not going to happen.

How is it that someone who entered and exited your life 5 years ago can still effect you today? Why is love such a difficult emotion, and yet something we seek to find everywhere?

ok. just needed to get that out.

sidenote: i bought scrubs today and start clinical on Monday. I am very excited. I will be positing pictures of me in my scrubs soon!

times'a'changin...

2007-05-28T10:27:00.000-04:00

I've recently starting a program that will certify me to be a nursing assistant and/or a home health aide. Its been a week in the class so far, and i love every minute of it, and it makes me realize that i have finally found what makes me happy. As much as i enjoyed journalism, i never sat in a class (except photojournalism) and was completely focused and enamoured by the material. I come home so excited about what i have learned. Sure i forgot how to make my bed, and i was a little bummed about that, but in the long run, i know how to correctly wash my hands and i know how to stop bleeding and clean a bed with someone in it, and it's only been a week.
My mood has changed a lot. I am motivated to get in to a job. I am applying to positions in hospitals all over the city of Boston. I have also gotten on top of grad school applications and will soon be making visits to all those schools. I need to get in gear as far as the GREs go however. But, thats ok. I am doing pre-reqs at Bunker Hill and I hope they are good enough for schools. As far as I can tell, everyone that i have spoken to has said its fine.
Despite these wonderful things, and the momentum towards greatness, for me, i still feel as though i am lacking a few very important pieces in life. I sometimes desperately seek family and although i have pseudo family in NY, they are in NY not here. I miss them often. I also miss people that i have known for years. Boston friends are great! Please don't get me wrong, but there is something about a person you've known since you were 12. But we've all grown, and we are all in different places and have different lives. There is a human need for close companionship and i just don't know how to get it. Sometimes i feel as though i had it, its just everywhere else.
Also an observation I have discovered in the past few days, once you say you're interested in grad school, the next question asked is are you married or seeing someone? I am sick of this question. Because i am none of the above. The one i thought i would marry is out playing lumber jack (ok, actually sub-contractor) in Colorado. Patterson is doing a program that I pray to God will help him find what he has been seeking for the past 4 years. If you are so interested, as i am so interested, you can check out his blog, and the blog of his fellow brothers. I encourage prays for him and all those participating in the program. Its a hard 3 months and each man is seeking something unearthly.
All in all, i am doing well. Things are well. I will pull through the darkness and come out alright on the other side.

the day i played girl...

2007-05-18T17:27:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday, our friend, Stinch, had a fundraiser for the AVON's 3-day Breast Cancer Walk. Called the "Think Pink Fiesta", everything was decked out in pinkness. For me, i had gotten a dress, my eye brows waxed (and kept up!) and some cute, peep-toe brown shoes.
May 12th also happens to be the day i was adopted 20-something-years ago. Marian, being the wonderful roommate she is, treated me to a pedicure. Mind you, this is not something i do. Yes, i wash (ok, i actually scrub) the hippie dirt off my feet. And yes, i paint my toes every so often. Not all the time, but often enough that they look decent (at least in my opinion).
So, we started the morning off with going to the Square Nail Studio. It was a really nice place. They use copper pots for the tin where you soak your feet and lime oil for the massage. I have to say, i did enjoy myself.
We next had breakfast at Johnny D's. This place is one of my favorite breakfast places in the city. The Wentworth boy and i went a few weeks ago and he sang the praises of their omelets - which is what i had that morning. A lovely spinach and cheese omelet. And it was good. Marian had a waffle i believe with what i recall to be banana's and strawberries. It looked quite yummy.
Harvard Square was next on our list so that i could get a breast cancer ribbon pin and a gold nose ring. When ever you are looking for something, it seems to be the case that it is never around. Not one breast cancer pin in all of Harvard Square. I did have good luck with the nose ring - so that was good.
Home was last where Marian tried her hardest to get my hair to curl and stay curled. Sadly - it didn't.
Make up on, dress on, shoes on, hair done - and here is the end result. The first 2, i played with the background in photoshop, the last one i thought the ladies on their side of my looked amazing so i kept them in :) It's hard to be friends with such beautiful people.

Breast Cancer walk...

2007-05-15T09:19:00.000-04:00

I know a lot of people have been doing some pleas for fundraisers lately- i figured i'd jump on the bandwagon - but not for myself. One of my closest friends and her family are walking the Avon Breast Cancer Walk in honor of her pastor's wife who in the past year has been diagnosed. They are all so close to reaching their goals to walk - but its hard to have to reach a minimum to walk - so i am doing a little PR here and asking you to check out her page :

Avon Walk for Breast Cancer - Jenn F .

At this point - any little bit helps! Thank you :)

grey skies are gonna clear up....

2007-05-10T11:21:00.000-04:00

the past few days have been truly wonderful. it is true, i have been severely struggling with life. the loss of the job really threw me, a lot further then i thought. i caught up on watching all of Friends, but i missed out on catching up with my real friends. my bed and pillows became my newest pals and ice cream my comforter. i kept trying to get ahead, getting into programs and then missing it by something or having financial issues.

After weighing in last week and realizing that i gained 7lbs i had a wake up call. Ali and i went for a few walks and i became much much more active. i stopped eating ice cream every day and cookies are now a treat and not part of every meal. so i lost 4.6lbs as of Wednesday.

i received a phone call Wednesday night and was told that the woman who fired me, was fired. as terrible as this may sound, i was ecstatic. Karma, my friends, is a bitch. Don't treat people like shit because it WILL come back. so i am gloating in that a bit.

this morning i went to the red cross and took the assessment test for the Certified Nursing Assistant/Home Health Aide. The class beings May 21st.

YAY. I am happy. I am healthy. I will have a long life. (a woman from the common used to say this to us...)

Falling in love is like what?

2007-04-25T12:18:00.000-04:00

Falling in love is like owning a dog
an epithalamion by Taylor Mali
www.taylormali.com

First of all, it's a big responsibility,
especially in a city like New York.
So think long and hard before deciding on love.
On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:
when you're walking down the street late at night
and you have a leash on love
ain't no one going to mess with you.
Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.
Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm.
It lies between you and lives and breathes
and makes funny noises.
Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.
It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn't like being left alone for long.
But come home and love is always happy to see you.
It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,
but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!
Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes.
Love leaves you little surprises here and there.
Love needs lots of cleaning up after.
Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.
Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper
and swat love on the nose,
not so much to cause pain,
just to let love know Don't you ever do that again!

Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk.
Because love loves exercise.
It runs you around the block and leaves you panting.
It pulls you in several different directions at once,
or winds around and around you
until you're all wound up and can't move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.
People who have nothing in common but love
stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,
again, and again, and again.
But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.
And in return, love loves you and never stops.

questions from Girl...

2007-04-22T10:49:00.000-04:00

A few of us bloggers have been jumping on the band wagon of asking each other questions. Here are mine, posed by Girl:

1) The Wentworth boy...is he a former romantic interest? Any possibility of this going anywhere in the future?

the wentworth boy was a former romantic interest. Long story to say the least. It will not go any where in the future. I have finally come to realize what he's known for a year, we are phenomenal friends and i couldn't deal with myself if i jeopardized that in anyway. I care about him way tooo much. I did say however, if there was a guarantee that nothing would/could go wrong during the relationship or in the end, that yes, I would be interested. However, we all live in the real world and know that a guarantee like that is impossible. So right now, the wentworth boy is and probably will forever be, one of my best friends, not going any where else.

2) What is your happiest memory from third grade?

Third grade, let's see. Mr. Rice was my teacher... we grew butterflies in class and Mr. Rice hung this kid Justin on the basketball hoop. I think my happiest memory was being placed in advanced reading class. Made me feel good about myself. Third grade was a pretty rough year. Also, i think i got married that year to a kid named Andrew in the gym.

3) If you bought a house today, what would the top 5 priorities be for you?

1. Closets in all the bedrooms.
2. decent counter space and shelving in the kitchen.
3. a porch/deck/yard
4. a shower/tub, none of this one or the other crapola
5. lots of windows.

4) If you could pick a field to be a nurse in, which would you prefer?

Community Health, no doubt. Is that a field? I am not so sure... it's a focus area in school. I would focus on the low income side of medicine. Because i am a hippie. Community Health encompasses all fields of nursing to a degree, almost like diagnostic medicine, where you need to learn as much as you can about everything. I think because of my passion for correcting the wrongs of the world, i need to be in a field where i am working with the under privileged, who need to see me.

5) If you could eat a crayon, what color would it by and why?

The new crayola came out with Mac & Cheese, so clearly i would eat that. Perhaps it's color would remind me of the taste of real Mac & Cheese and i could get through the disgusting waxy taste it would actually be. :)

Today we are all...

2007-04-20T12:23:00.000-04:00

Hokies.

and today we are Columbine.

Remember.

back in starbucks and it's still raining.

2007-04-17T15:10:00.000-04:00

I'm studying again. We've got a big test on Wednesday on respiration and photosynthesis.... I have no clue how I'm going to do, but I'm trying.

In other news, Marian and I had an interesting conversation about the recent events at VTech. Events like these, at least for me, make one stop and think about their overall safety. In a world where we go out about our business as though we are impenetrable, reality can smack you hard in the face. Imagine sitting in class and being shot or watching classmates go through agony. The thing that affects me most is that its not just school any more. Its buses in Dorchester, buildings in NYC, subway stations... It's true that you can't live you're life in a hypothetical bubble, trying to hide from the danger we call this world, but I think people need to start becoming more aware of their surroundings.

How did a foreign national get 2 guns in the first place? I don't think I would know the first place to go to get a gun. How does a person go through life so miserable that their only alternative is to shoot up people? My biology professor noticed i was depressed and said something, do i just have a more aware professor, someone willing to step out of his role as educator and make sure his student was doing alright. Clearly there is no way to pinpoint one reason for this tragedy, but i do think the trail is interesting and something that each of us can look at in our daily lives.

How do you know that kid that sits next to you in class, the quiet one, isn't some crazy kid, and all that needs to happen to stop anything is for you to say Hi. Share a little respect to the homeless guy on the street, give him eye contact and maybe a smile and go on your separate ways. It won't hurt you, it might in fact start to make you a better person. We're not asking for giant things here, but the cliche, if everyone does a little bit - we can change a lot. Step back and think about it next time you pass judgement, next time you get uncomfortable, next time you feel sorry for someone, start to think about what you can do differently. Maybe by the time we have children, these shootings, these terrible events will be something in the history books. I once thought that way when I learned about Kent State, but then Columbine happened, and my world crashed, but it shaped me.

I know, the hippie in me has escaped and is running rampant. Peace and Love and all that bull shit. Just do it ok. The world could be a better place if you tried.

On a side note, i am on season 10 of friends. I am almost done, and will need something new to move onto, any suggestions? Also, could folks keeps their ears open for a cappella group opportunities, i am really antsy to get back in to one.

just an fyi

2007-04-16T14:26:00.000-04:00

I didn't make the group, which really bummed me out. I was so excited about the possibility of singing again. It lifted my spirits, which was great. I felt like me again, which I haven't felt like in a while. I was happy, i was motivated. I had the potential for greatness, and what's crazy is how quickly i lost it. I've made some appointments to meet with folks about maybe talking about what is going on with me and getting through this darkness. After this weekend, i know that I am in there some where, i can find me again. I am going to continue looking for a cappella groups, i will keep studying and trying to complete my dream of nursing.

a quick update...

2007-04-13T13:57:00.000-04:00

1. I've been spending a lot of time with the Ramifications. Partly because i have been depressed and they have always been able to lift my spirits. I'm trying to convince them to hire me as their manager and pay me to be as fabulous as i am as a volunteer. We'll see how that goes.

2. I am auditioning for an a cappella group Saturday. I haven't been in tip-top vocal shape in a bit, so i am concerned, but we'll see what happens. Apparently i know one of the guys who is auditioning people so maybe that will work in my favor, but truthfully, it's all up to my voice.

3. I am going to do the CNA program with the Red Cross. To do this, i need to pass an assessment test and get 800 dollars. I talked to PSC about helping me pay for it. Apparently they can't pay for it because it's considered "voluntary poverty" which is completely understandable. There is a possible alternative of them paying for rent and bills for a month and then when i get a job and a real pay check they'll stop. Also, my unemployment checks should be starting soon, which will also be helping.

4. I had to buy a blood pressure monitor. I am allowed to start working out again. My heart is ok, just has a low pressure. As long as the pressure is above 100, i can work out. Makes me happy!

5. I am on season 9 of Friends. To all of you who are sick of hearing me talk in Friends speak, I promise, I'm ALMOST done!!

I think that's it for now. Except for this cute picture.

The end.

How not to act on or after a date....

2007-04-09T23:10:00.000-04:00

Tonight I went on a quick coffee date. I have emailed and chatted with Craig for a little while, and I finally felt comfortable to meet up with him. I was planning on studying in Starbucks tonight, so i suggested that we meet there. It was a public area so if for whatever reason he was sketchy, I had somewhere to go and people around me. I didn't think that he'd be a serial killer or anything because we had gotten to a comfortable place, and i was ready.

So, i was at Starbucks, with the computer and my biology homework. I looked cute, wearing my skinny jeans and my vest with cute white shirt. My hair was silky and shiny and i even was wearing some make up (shocking i know!). I ran into 2 friends while waiting for Craig to show up. It was nice to catch up and while i was chatting, Craig came in and introduced himself. My friends went home and we were left to talk.

I was really awkward. I totally had no clue what to say or how to act. I felt so uncomfortable, which made me feel even more self conscious and awkward. Our discussions were odd and there was a lot of uncomfortable silence. The end came and I was asked on another date, and i reluctantly agreed. I'm not good at purposely hurting someone. Then the goodbye was strange, with a lingering hug and hands on backs, and i just didn't know what to do.

Craig left, and then texted me saying "it wasn't so bad was it". I responded with "i'm still too nervous". I then went to text the wentworth boy, "i just had a horrible date. aah...", however, at the same time Craig was texting me.

Since all Gods are against me the text to the wentworth boy went to Craig. Oh yes folks. I could make the date even worse. Craig, being the bigger person, responded saying "it wasn't that bad was it..." and whatnot.

I talked to Ali and the wentworth boy and both had their nice little laughs, and told me that like a band-aid, i just needed to pull it off, quick and some what painless. So, after coming to terms with how much of an awful person I am, I sent an e-mail that hopefully conveyed how i feel in a i'm-not-a-complete-bitch way, though i am.

Lesson: don't act stupid and send a text to the wrong person.

bunny!

2007-04-08T11:26:00.000-04:00

Happy Easter!!!

My dreams are funky.

2007-04-06T10:31:00.000-04:00

So, i feel as though i took hallucinogens before i went to bed last night. I had a dream about a guy who's superhero name was the Rabbinator. He was a Rabbi who had super powers to do something like saving people from eating non-kosher food or something along those lines. It was quite ridiculous. The best part however was that every time he went to save someone Fall Out Boy's song "This Ain't a Scene, this is an Arms Race" played.

I have no clue what it was about. But I think I can dissect it a little bit.

1. At UNO's last night, we tried to name someone the Rhubarbinator.

2. We talked a little bit about Kosher meals the other night, and after watching the Hebrew Hammer, i think its just been in my head.

3. I have recently falled in love with Fall Out Boy. I heard an a cappella song done by them and then the wentworth boy poked fun that there was an a cappella group doing their stuff. I started to listen more to their music, and I'm hooked (as well as the wentworth boy is too). You should check it out.

Alright. I'm off. Might be more in a bit.

2007-04-02T13:18:00.000-04:00

we found this car yesterday on our walk to Davis Square. the owner of the car was taking pictures when we can up to it. he said he has great friends. Happy April Fools - a day late.

what makes a good hotel room?

2007-04-01T12:10:00.000-04:00

About 2 weeks ago i was in NYC with the wentworth boy. His students picked the Bedford Hotel, located near Grand Central Station. The website looks pretty nice and I was excited because i've never stayed downtown before.

The wentworth boy and i brought our stuff to room 807, where we learned what a truly horrible hotel stay can be like. Sure, there are worse places... but for 3 days, this was hell.

1. Our bed: it was really wide, yet short. I'm serious, short. It was the hardest bed you've ever felt, yet had a nice bounce (i could do ab exercises and the wentworth boy had fun jumping on it). The sheets were also short, and came up to our chest. Out of 5 pillows, 2 had actual shape to them, the other 3 were bags filled with air and a feather or two. It was the worse sleep ever, oh wait, we didn't sleep. At 3:30am on Thursday, we were both up and ready to go because we had not slept at all. IT WAS TERRIBLE. The headboard was not connected to the bed, but screwed partially in to the wall. When ever you moved, it moved and hit the wall and made noise. It was very possible to get your fingers pinched in it too.

2. Climate Control: When we walked into the room we put on the AC. The wentworth boy and i like cold rooms, so it was a good plan. When we went to sleep we turned off the AC, so we wouldn't get too cold... the room then became ridiculously hot, couldn't even keep the basic flat sheet on. The room was dry, so all through the night i was drinking water to try to keep myself some what hydrated.

3. Water: was so cloudy because it was so filled with bubbles. It was gross, but had that wonderful metallic taste that apparently makes NYC pizza so yummy.

4. Coffee: seemed like a great idea. the wentworth boy and i were obviously tired, and thirsty, coffee would do the trick! the wentworth boy started the coffee, and i asked if there was cream and sugar in the kitchenette (oh yes, we had a kitchenette!). We looked for cream and sugar, but, low and behold... it was actually already IN the coffee. Oh yes, already in the grounds that were being brewed. Yeah... yummy.

5. Alarm Clocks: Eventually the wentworth boy and i were able get to sleep. I think our bodies were SO exhausted that they could do nothing but sleep. About 2 hours in to that much needed rest, the alarm clock that was NOT set, went off, twice.

6. Bathtub: the wentworth boy forbade me to take a bath in the tub. It was quite gross. The shower it self wasn't so bad, but the tub was dirty.

7. Technology: failed us. The internet went in and out, and the television had horrible channels and they were fuzzy. The volume of the channels were all different and when you turned up the volume for one, the next station would be obnoxiously loud.

8. Paper thin walls: enabled us however, to hear the TV from the room next to us, as well as coughing man.

Lastly, there was no bible in the entire room, there were broken hangers, and we only got one key card until asking for another one. Wow, that hotel was a blast. the wentworth boy and i talked about the possibility of bed bugs, which was not a fun thought at all. The room did have a decent view, it wasn't wonderful, but we could see the Chrystler Building from it.

I doubt I stay again there. I like it when i can sleep in a hotel, and when my coffee comes with separate cream and sugar. I like it when i have lots of television channels and having the option of reading the Gideon bible.

death in the family.

2007-03-20T09:15:00.000-04:00

Fineaus, the fish, is no more. He lived a long month in the bowl on the wall but departed us. It is believed it was a long, difficult death and that he passed on Friday. He is survived by his roommates; Hippie, Marian and Ali. Services will not be held, but donations made be made out to Suzi.

The Hospital.

2007-03-19T10:21:00.000-04:00

If you've been following the blog, you know that I just got back from New York City. On Friday, March 16th, i wound up in the hospital, and i didn't want to make a huge blog even longer.

Friday morning, i left darling room 807 (to be blogged about later) and the wentworth boy and headed to Grand Central to get on the train to Flushing Queens. I never grabbed breakfast, but had an apple and figured i'd eat it on the way or grab something when we got back in to the city. The weather was disgusting. That sleet and "wintery mix" did not make for fun walking. I got on the train and headed out to Queens to meet up with friends and drop off my suitcase. The stop was at the end of the line. I walked out of the station and i thought for a moment that i had gotten out at the wrong place because it looked so much like Chinatown. I found the car, dropped off the suit case and we were on our way. Of course we stopped for a bubble tea and this doughy-dumpling-esque thing, then got on the train.

Marian and i headed to the St. John's Insurance Library. The walk was disgusting. Major puddles and sleet hitting you in the face like rocks. Thankfully i was wearing my golashes, poor Marian was not. We left the library around 12 or so and headed towards Mid-town for lunch. We exited at 34th, right next to the Gap. As we walked up the stairs, the woman infront of me hit me with her umbrella and i smacked my knee on the steel step. It hurt like nothing i've felt before. I got my bearings, and began to walk. I turned to Marian and said, wow, this pain makes me nauseous and dizzy.

Then i syncopated. I fainted, right there in Times Square. Marian had to hold me. I don't remember much of this, most i know from what was told to me. A few folks here and there helped and then traffic cops, then NYPD and then the ambulance was called and there were EMTs. I remember the traffic cops wore orange and were friendly and kind. The NYPD guys were rough and kept asking if i did drugs and that they wouldn't yell if i did do them, they just needed to know and the EMT guys were excellent. It was eventually decided i would go to the hospital, not because i fainted, but because my knee could be severely injured.

The ambulance took the 4 of us to the hospital. Robert was able to turn on the heat because my clothes were soaked to the bone. We're talking, down to my underwear, soaking wet. It was Robert's highlight. On the way, the EMT noted that my heart rate was irregular and my blood pressure was low. I was put in the pediatric ER (for ages newborn to 25). I was given a johnny and told to leave it open in front for an ekg and given 3 blankets. They took my vitals, a glucose test and did an ekg. It all showed showed low blood pressure, low blood sugar and that yes, an irregular heartbeat. A CT scan was then ordered. When i finally saw my doctor (oh that's right, i had only seen a nurse up to now) we talked about the topomax (my new migraine medication) and my knee (finally took care of that, and ordered an x-ray).

I was taken to radiology for the x ray and then left in the hall for about 45 minutes then brought to CT Scan and left again in the hallway for about 30 minutes. When in the hall, i was put in front of the Department of Corrections. That wasn't the only experience with behaviorally challenged folks however. I was then returned to the ER. Once there, i was witness to a 10 year old who was having a breakdown, and had to be held down and sedated. He then had a cop assigned to him. Every 10 minutes or so another cop would come in, scream out a name and cuff someone to the bed.

Around 5pm i was "released" and i called Marian to come and meet me. I was told that the topomax dropped my blood pressure. When i hit my knee, my already low pressure, dropped even further causing what the body calls a positive reaction (things like insulin are a negative reaction). My CT scan however, was not so good. It had evidence of an empty sella. Empty sella syndrome is a condition in which the bones (sella turcica) that surround part of the pituitary gland shrink or become flattened. For more information go here. This is not life threatening, however, i need to seek out my doctor here in Boston for what to do from here. (Who i've been calling all day and doesn't seem concerned).

Continuing on, my doctor was insistent that i didn't go any where in wet clothes. So he called social work to get me clothes. In the mean time, Marian was on her way, or rather was trying to get to me. It took 2 hours for her to get from Midtown to Belleview, which isn't too far, i mean its not close, but, with the weather it took everyone 2 hours to get there. Thankfully, everyone arrived, with clean and dry clothes. And i left that damn hospital.

Then we ate mac and cheese.

NYC and beyond...

2007-03-18T18:05:00.000-04:00

I have just returned from a wonderful adventure in NYC. It has entailed a lot and so i am going to attempted to go by both subject and day. I encourage your comments and questions.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007.
Since i have no job, i clearly have a lot of free time on my hands. I was chatting with the wentworth boy about the free time. He asked me what i was up to and asked me if wanted to join him in NYC while he was at a conference for a few days. I was going down to NYC on Thursday night, so i jumped at the chance to not only go down to NYC a few days early, but to spend some time with the wentworth boy who I hadn't seen in a while. I then bought a ticket on Amtrak for the 137 train at 1:45 pm train leaving from Back Bay to Penn Station. I was quite excited.
I went out for drinks with Eddie from Ohio at the Joshua Tree, and for the second night he got me a bit tipsy. Thankfully, i didn't leave Patterson a stupid message like i had done the previous night. I need to be banned from Sam Adams and MySpace. At least i have stopped leaving "retorts", right?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007.
Marian and i chatted most of the morning and I had to repack about 3 times because weather.com told me that the weather was ever changing and i needed completely different clothes for the trip. I finally was prepared to leave and i did. I got to Back Bay and the wentworth boy greeted me.
It was so nice to see him again. I really have missed him. I am proud to say that after all that last year I really have moved on and see him as one of great guys who i am deeply thankful to have in my life. He treats me like every girl who should be treated by a guy. Anyways the wentworth boy told me that Amtrak's ticketing was down and there was a bit of drama. As goes with me, drama, always follows. When i reserved my ticket, they never charged it, so it was just a reservation. When we tried to charge it, the credit card was denied and the zip code confirmation was wrong. I called Amtrak, then Bank of America, then Amtrak, then Bank of America - then the wentworth boy came to the rescue. Bought my ticket and we were on our way to NYC with 14 students in tow.
The train ride was quite pleasant. The wentworth boy brought movies, and we watched those (even though, they weren't the greatest. The Illusionist did not intrigue me, until the wentworth boy fast forwarded to the last 10 minutes and then it looked quite entertaining. Elizabethtown is one of my favorites, however, most of the movie is slow paced. It isn't until the end of the movie that it really gets exciting and quite cute. Once i've seen the end, i forget how much I dislike the beginning!). We arrived in NYC around 6 and headed out of Penn Station. We had to go from Penn Station which is at 34th between 7 and 8th to the Bedford Hotel which is at 118th and 40th. One of the wentworth boy's students knew his way around, so he navigated through the Metro and got us to the hotel. The wentworth boy and i checked in to room 807 (Remember This!). We had all looked at the pictures on the website. The hotel looked nice enough, the rooms were pretty and all.
We settled in and then all met up to register at the conference and get some dinner because we were famished. Unfortunately, registration was closed, which made no sense because it was 7:15pm and registration closed at 7:30pm. We headed to Times Square and ate at the TGI Friday's. It was 4 stories and not the greatest looking restaurant ever. The wentworth boy and I ate on the second floor and the rest of the students were on the 1st, 3rd and 4th. We got a cobb salad and a bacon cheesey burger thing, to drink: water, sangria and a Sam Adams. The salad and the burger came out within about 15 minutes, the drinks however, came when we had finished eating. Also, the salad was about 15 dollars, the burger, about 18. WHAT! Seriously folks... We paid and then headed back to the hotel for some R & R. I will be writing another blog on room 807. Yes, room 807 deserves its own entry.

Thursday, March 15, 2007.
The wentworth boy had his chaperonly duties to take care of, so most of the morning was taking care of that. Around noon, we grabbed lunch at a great pizza place downtown. It was cheese and white pizza and it was AMAZING. We then headed from Times Square to 5th Ave, past Rockefeller Center, Saks, FAO Schwartz, the Mac Store and Central Park. The wentworth boy had never been to NYC and despite asking what he wanted to see, there were not real answers other than pizza and a hot dog. So... i figured i show him around by telling him we'd end up in central park and he could eat a hot dog, so the walking was to get an end result of a hot dog. It started to rain after FAO Schwartz and so we headed back to the Hotel. On the way, we got a hot dog and a pretzel. Back in room 807, I took a nap, the wentworth boy watched one of his shows. Then we headed out to dinner with some of his students at the Hard Rock Cafe. I was much cheaper then Friday's. Then back to room 807.

Friday, March 16, 2007.
I left room 807 by 9:15am to get to Flushing to drop my bag off and then head back in to the City with Marian and friends. I didn't grab breakfast, but we bought biscuits on the side of the street and ate them on the train in. Once we got to the city, Marian and I went to the St. John's Insurance Library. Marian says they have a lot of the information that her library does not. So we went on a tour. We then headed back in to the city to meet up with our other friends. Marian and i got off the train at 54th and Broadway and a bit of adventure began. I wound up hitting my knee on the stairs and then passing out and going to Belleview Hospital. I will be writing a separate blog about this as well as room 807.
After being released we went to S'mac for dinner because i hadn't really gotten much to eat. We ordered 5 different mac and cheeses and they were delightful!!! We then trudged through the terrible sleet and snow and awfulness only to get in a cab anyways to Rice to Riches, one my new favorite places. I had cheesecake and raspberry rice pudding. After our yummyness, we headed home for the night, where i slept in a bed that was not in room 807.

Saturday, March 17, 2007.
Saturday was centered on relaxing. Dim Sum in Queens for breakfast/lunch - It was amazing minus the shrimp i ate and had to get some benedryll. Also we past about 10 McDonald's on the way to the restaurant, at which i reminded everyone that McDonald's had shamrock shakes. It was St. Patrick's Day after all. After Dim Sum we had cotton candy and went to the Korean Super Market. We came home to play the bowl game and watch a movie where i believe most of us napped. Dinner was amazing fried chicken and salad. We watched a little tv and then crashed.

Sunday, March 18, 2007.
This morning, we had crepes for breakfast and then headed out! First stop was for emponanda's and boy were they amazing (if you haven't guessed, not only am i on sabbatical from work, but from weight watchers!!). We drove for a while, then stopped to gas up and tried to get a Shamrock Shake at McDonald's. I had already been told on Saturday that NY doesn't have them anymore, so we though CT might be different. No luck. We drove on, i began to feel a little ill. Fell asleep and woke up to a discussion about Shamrock Shakes. There was some research done on the Internet phone about others who also seek out the delicious green wonders. I suggest googling "shamrock shakes" to learn more or check out our favorite site here. We took exit 67 on 84 and behold, found a McDonald's with the beautiful green shakes. I was a happy camper. We arrived home, complete with full stomachs and smiles on our faces.

Look forward to more blogs on the hospital and room 807.

a new hope...

2007-03-12T11:01:00.000-04:00

Something to convince me
To renew hope!
A new day,
Bright enough
To help me find my way!
-jekyll/hyde the musical.

Its been almost a week since i have felt the security of a job. Thankfully a few things financially have fallen in to place and i will be ok for a bit. I have spent the days relaxing a bit, and eating ice cream. My roommate Marian likes to refer to it as my sabbatical. I'm ok with that. I have plans to do a lot more studying and focusing on life as it is.

I received an email from Community Servings. I applied for their volunteer recruiter position on Tuesday before i really sat down and thought about it. I love CS and would love to be part of their organization. But i am having severe reservations about the possibility of making a commitment to an organization only to leave them for nursing. Nursing is what i want to do, i want to focus on that. So maybe that means what i was thinking. Temping and becoming an EMT? Or from friends, thinking about working at hospitals, and then try to get them to pay for nursing school. It seems to make more sense to do those things then to say to CS, yes, I'll be your employee, and fall in love all over again and only break my heart and yours when i leave.

Most importantly, i am scared that perhaps the reason i am jobless, is because i really do suck at my job. I never thought it possible. I always thought of myself as hardworking, and determined. I was dedicated and passionate. Yes, i am young, and not exactly the most professionally trained person, but doesn't that mean room for growth and molding? I ask questions, and that is not a bad attribute is it? The thing that hurts the most is how much this situation has shattered my foundation. It has taken what i believe to be true, that i am a good employee, a hard worker, that i am smart, and creative, and deserving, and it has crumpled all of that up and tossed them. I am not trying desperately to find each of these, and more, and smooth them out and display them for someone else. But can i do it? Do i want to do it?

I've been thinking that this is just what i needed though to shake me to the core and get me to figure out exactly what i want in life and to focus maybe a little bit more on me, which is certainly something i don't do very often. Why must life be so difficult? Can't we go back to the days when the worst thing that happened was that Sally didn't pick you to be on her dodge ball team??

life will go on.....

2007-03-09T09:45:00.000-05:00

So. I want to first off say thank you to everyone for asking what they could do and offering words of support. It is much appreciated. Almost as appreciated as the gallon of wine someone got me for my birthday. It was almost as if we were planning for destruction.

It had been known that my boss and I have been having difficulties. However, she has been known to have problems with most persons at work and most of us just vent and get it over with. I thought for me, that was the same.

Tuesday I walked in after being out all Monday because of a doctor’s appointment. I just started new medication and had just finished explained to my boss that the medication made me feel quite disoriented and I was unable to tell what color the sky was. It was almost like on cue that she started asking questions at rapid speed and I never had answers for them. Finally she got to a project and said, “oh that doesn’t matter any more, I gave that project to so-and-so because you obviously aren’t going to get it done.” And that is when it started. I asked her if she had any faith in my abilities what so ever, and without any pause or hesitation she said no. I said that is a big problem and she said yes, it is. And I then said, ok, so then what are our next steps to correct this so we can get on the same page, and she says, “you either give 2 or 4 weeks notice, that’s all there is left.”

The rest of the day, I holed up in my office and did research in my office. I emailed people spoke to my roommate and decided not to write a resignation letter. I was proud of my job and myself and I didn’t want to leave. I wrote an email to my executive director expressing that and she was incredibly apologetic that things have gone down as they had and perhaps “it was best for everyone”.

Wednesday I came I without a written letter and was approached to write a letter when I expressed that I wasn’t going to resign and asked why not, I expressed my stand on how proud I was of my work and what I had done. I told my boss how much I loved my volunteers and the staff here and I wasn’t about to leave all that. She then responded saying that I “better expect them to contest any unemployment claim” and I responded with asking them to consider unemployment because this came so unexpectedly and without any warning. I may have some money in savings, but nowhere near enough and it will be hard to find a job. So if you’re going to take a job that I love away, at least make it easier when I go home.

It was decided that I would be resigned forcefully, but not technically fired, but that I would be able to collect unemployment. The conditions were that I would need to leave immediately. So, that was Wednesday.

Yesterday, I called unemployment and I have to wait to apply so that will come. Right now I am just coming to terms with things. I have applied for a job and obviously waiting to hear about that. I am trying to figure out if a full time job is the smartest idea. Perhaps I will look for jobs at hospitals that will pay for nursing schools or EMT programs and part time jobs. Not totally sure yet.

Right now I am just looking for support from friends because I am in shock. I have never been told that I am a bad employee. I have always been the good girl, the hard worker, the over achiever, so this whole experience has been just mind-boggling. So thank you for all being you.

ehhhh

2007-03-02T09:03:00.000-05:00

last night, as always, the crew and i went to UNO's for a beer and conversation. I started to feel my headache coming on stronger, and after sitting under the light that was made to feel like i was part of an investigation, i moved to another chair and curled myself in to it. The walk home i felt like crap. I was colder than normal and really was in pain. We got to the house, and as soon as i stepped inside, the most serious dizzy spell i've ever had just knocked in to me. I wasn't sure if i should move, or stand, or what. I finally sat down and Marian was wonderful trying to take care of me. Marian asked if i wanted to go to the hospital and i started crying because i just didn't know what to do, i was scared and tired and in pain and a wreck obviously. Eventually i changed in to pjs and got in to bed where Marian decided officially it had to be a migraine, and that i wasn't allowed to do anything today until i saw the doctor. Thank God for that girl.

I have an appointment at 11 this morning and we'll see how that goes. Hopefully well. I have no clue. I just want this all to be over.

the retreat...

2007-02-26T09:21:00.000-05:00

It is the Monday after a retreat. Usually, i'm in a wonderful mood. I feel spiritually refreshed and renewed and am totally wanting to begin my life over in a new light. For some reason, i am not, at all. If anything, i am a bit darker then before i left. I am a bit more depressed and a bit more frustrated. But who knows for what reason...

Friday night around 6:30pm, Nanny and MIT guy and i met up and headed up to NH to Camp Brookwoods. We made it there around 9:15 or so, arriving about the same time as Marian, which was funny because she was concerned by us leaving so late. It took her car about 5 hours to get there. We arrived, unpacked and joined everyone in the lodge for worship and dramatic poetry readings by the Lux Drama team (Marian and my favorite thing - NOT). Then everyone went downstairs to hang out and play games. After i lost miserably in fussball, i went to bed.

Let's just talk about how amazing my bed was for a moment. I had a wonderful sleeping bag (its mummy and its warm). I put my comforter and my fleece blanket inside the sleeping bag and made a nice little cocoon and it was really lovely. I did not want to get out of it either morning.

Anyways. Saturday morning was started with great breakfast, followed up by personal time, which i don't do so well with, so i hung out in Marians room. Then we headed to Large Group for some more worship then we broke up in to our small groups. There are 23 people in our small group and 2 of us were actually at the retreat (there were more people there from our group, but they were with their other small groups). Nanny and i had a decent time. We weren't very pleased by our track which i believe is what really fouled the weekend for me. The questions about Esther and Mordecai, although interesting, left something for us to desire. We did talk about our group and how to foster hospitality and community and reinvent the motivation the group had in the beginning. At 12:30 we had lunch and then did a game called "the machine game". The point is for a group of people to act as a machine, putting all pieces together to be as one (the whole is greater then the sum of its parts, etc). My group wasn't too into it. We did a vending machine and i was Suzy Q's (hostess cupcakes). It was a clever skit and we actually went on to the next round. After that, a group of us went tubing (with a tube, i am not sure the correct spelling). It was SO much fun. Really. One of the greatest times i've had in a while. We felt like we were kids again. I then went for a walk with Marian and came inside to eat peanut butter m&ms by the fire. Nice. Dinner was next, and was quite tasty, and then was the last small group of the day. Nanny and i joined back up to discuss more and get even more frustrated with the study. By this point, i felt like a kid and was totally not in to the retreat at all. I had no more desire to be there and honestly, would've been content to have left then. But i stayed and Nanny and i hashed out more group things and personal things. Then we had large group meeting, where the Vending Machine won the entire competition! It was crazy and we were all laughing and quite proud of ourselves. That was nice. A few of us did some more tubing, at night no less and then came inside and played a few more games and headed to bed.

Sunday, i was tired and cranky (sorry!). I felt like i had wasted a weekend. I wasn't in to the retreat, i wasn't in to the tracks. I felt as though there was no reason for 2 people to try to solve the issues of the large group. It is something we should all be doing! We left around 1:30 and got back to my apartment around 3:50.

Then the adventures really began. I texted Marian to find out when she'd be home. I was thinking about ordering dinner and figured i'd find out what she would like. She texted back : we're 11 miles away. I started to unpack and clean a little bit, when Marian called back to ask if i could rent a zip car because her ride's exhaust pipe fell and was dragging and they were waiting for AAA and there were people that needed to be driven home. The hippie saved the day with a zip car, delivering people home and then taking the very stressed driver and Marian out for dinner. Of course, the driver paid because she felt she had too. Silly girl. Finally, we made it back to the house where i cleaned, mainly unpacked and prepared for today.

I've been to the gym and now i'm at work and its snowing. Supposedly only a inch is supposed to fall, but i don't believe only an inch. It totally looks like more. Who knows. I am hoping to leave here around 6 so i can do homework for the rest of the night because of course i forgot my biology book at home this weekend. Sigh. Such is the life of a showering hippie.

just a what?

2007-02-25T20:33:00.000-05:00

Doctor says, its just a headache. Not a migraine. Not a tumor. Nothing. Just a headache.

PS. I still have this plain ol' headache. Its been 5 days. WONDERFUL.

Health Update

2007-02-23T12:07:00.000-05:00

Just a quick heads up as well as a request for prayers. I've been having serious, debilitating headaches now for a few weeks, and i have had one for the past 3 days. The doctor feels it is serious enough that i have an "emergency" appointment at 3. I have no clue what they'll be doing or what it could be.

It sucks because the retreat is this weekend, and i'd really like to still go, but that may not happen. I also don't understand why i am always sick, getting strange things, or feeling off. I am angry about it, which isn't so great since i work in an HIV/AIDS organization dealing with sick people all day.

Anyways. Pray for healing, knowledge for the doctors, and whatever else you may think i need.

my CVS expirience

2007-02-22T12:28:00.000-05:00

I have been having serious stomach issues. Feeling really ill and not having much of an appetite. Today, i went in to work to get files on my laptop so i could do work in the comfort or my own home, just in case.

On my way back to Porter, I first ran in to my close friend Crimson who is sadly, severely stricken with the flu. I asked if she wanted anything from CVS and she showed me her own bag of sickly goodies including cough syrup, tissues and other wonderful feel good medications. I said my good-byes and headed in to CVS.

After locating the ginerale and the saltines, i headed to the register where i was greeted by a larger woman who had pigtails (sticking out from the sides of her head, not in like a classy way). She first asked me to hold on for a moment so she could hear the latest gossip from the women at the next register.

Then she scanned the gingerale and crackers and said, "oh, are you pregnant? How wonderful." Yes, wonderful i thought. 6 months on weight watchers and people still think i'm pregnant. GREAT. I responded "no, i'm just not feeling well."

As soon as i said that, the woman put as much anti-bacterial soap on her hand as would possibly soak in to her skin and then wouldn't touch my credit card. I grabbed my stuff and ran out.

Oh yeah. Great day.

By the way, just finished the Wal*Mart movie. It is amazing. You should watch it and learn how the "great American store" is destroying our great America.

tell me....

2007-02-20T17:01:00.001-05:00

is this an inappropriate inter-office email?

Just a quick update on ASB Groups. The from FSU had to change plans because they didn’t raise enough to travel to Boston. Cornell has not gotten back to me with dates and neither has Northwestern. I am trying to get in touch with them. But we know how college students are ;).